Album 1: "The Emotional Monster"

9. "I want to be human"

Number 80 in my journal.

What am I to you?
What do you think of me?
What don't you stay away,
Like the distance, the others stay?
Why haven't you been scared yet?
How can humans care for a monster?
But since you came this far,
It's about time you get to know me.
I wouldn't let your efforts go to waste.

What have you heard about me?
Do the other kids talk about me?
Am I known school-wide?
There's always a price to pay.
No matter how bad we monsters may have it.
For insight,  many are deadly.
Especially in your short, human life. 
You'll come across one or some.

The way I sink my teeth in humans, the way I want to...
It makes me want to be human.
We're capable of so much on this land.
We don't know what we can do.
But in my life, I'm always holding back,
Trying to change,
Lowering my confidence.

I can't take the light anymore.
I must stay in the pitch dark.
I only have my energy,
On very dark, cloudy days,
And at nighttime.

I'm more focused, energized and efficient
Only at night.
The sunlight you humans must live on,
Zaps all my energy.
Which is probably why,
My grades are so low,
Because I cannot function.

I'm always calm at night.
But your brain will mentally fall apart,
Knowing my true mindset.
Know, I am not friends with humans.
Nobody can learn to deceive from my devil eyes.
Yes I look like a human,
Light - skinned, with medium length hair.
But my murderous, devil eyed look,
It makes everyone stay back.

My eyes also look pitch black,
Like the darkness within us,
While others see my eyes dark brown.
I may not be that type of monster,
Where I can levitate in my tiptoes,
But I can move on my own.
I need anyone to remove my ability, you human.
Meaning I don't want you to carry me.
I can do it myself.
I have no human emotion.

Monsters like me don't belong in the human world.
Do I exist?
With my head held down, and my eyes up,
Looking deep into your soul,
Oh I exist.
If you can see me, maybe you're a monster just like me.
Have caution.
Humans want to be just like me,
Some claim they are just like me,
However not all of them want to.
How can you want to,
When you have everything I don't?

We all have something to pay,
To all the monsters,
That can't live without humans.
What is the end result if I refuse?
Well...

They all wanna hide from humans.
Wanna wipe out the human race.
I wouldn't have existed,
If it wasn't for you.
But I think I'd rather be dead.
Because monsters can't live without humans,
In human form, they want you dead.
Because you made us alive!
Their impulsive brains will never get along,
With you or anyone.
Oh, you humans are so impulsive as well.
It's so sad.

But I don't always say no to humans,
Unless absolutely necessary.
That's just who I am.
But if I am out of line, ever,
They'll find me,
Slash my neck, my weakest spot.
As my black blood, runs down my neck and eyes.
A river of black venom,
Toxic to all humans.

Someone as special as you,
Doesn't need to encounter something like this.
You'll get, as you humans call it,
Traumatized.
Death, my death, my importance.
The blood saturates the ground.
Corners of uncleaned blood.
Red blood remains.
And you humans find it a threat,
As we call it life.
Bury you, kill you.
Something no monster can ever hold back.

I don't want to,
But mixed feelings of uncertainty,
It is only gonna make you plead for mercy.
And you're gonna make me snap soon,
Just steps away from death.
So I will ask you again...

But trust me, if you listen, you're gonna fall apart.
From us, monsters.
My soul will be sold,
Probably to something more evil than I.
All debts must be repaid.
In my human and monster form.

My eyes will turn black.
I'll stay still,
As noting is my nucleus, no more.
I might even end up disintegrating.
Since my body is on a lower level,
Compared to other monsters,
It's so unimportant.
My black blood of poison,
It will now evaporate into your "Lucifer" of Earth.
I might end up as a threat to you,
Later on in your life.
There is still a chance you know.
Stay away, they may be watching us.

What do you want?
Why're you still here?
You're still not scared of someone that'll traumatic, ruin, your life?
Why're you not responding to me?
Say something!
How do you still care?
Since you now know me, don't tell anyone.
This may get out of hand.
I'm not sure if they can see me.
But do you still want me?
It's up to you...

12.8.19.     .      4.23.20