#1 in awstenknight 4/26/2020 - 4/30/2020
~"I can tell we're gonna be good friends."~
Ryan is a twenty-one year old girl in the middle of college when she gets the call that she will be opening for a band (Waterparks) on their US tour.
She didn't mean it. She was drunk. She took it back the second she said it.
But she still said it.
I'm not going to say anything because if I'm being entirely honest, I don't think she'll even remember it in the morning.
But she said it.
~~~
I wake up to about a dozen I'm sorry texts from Ryan, apologizing for getting so drunk and then bothering me. I assure her that she wasn't bothering me and that I'm just glad she's safe.
She did get really drunk though. And no, I don't love the fact that she drinks but it's not my decision and I can't get mad at her for it. I'm not even with her right now so I guess it's fine.
I've written a couple songs about her since I left, maybe because I miss her. But most of it is because I'm feeling too much and I need to get it all out of me or else my head gets all foggy and weird and I can't think straight. Usually that'd bother me, but I don't mind not thinking straight, as long as it's because of her. I'm finishing up an acoustic song that I wrote, recording the background vocals so that I can hear it all put together. It kind of reminds me of Lucky People which kind of reminds me of my ex. Suddenly I feel sick. I scrap the song.
I don't want anything about me and Ryan to remind me of her. She lied to me, cheated, broke my heart. I cried every day for weeks, months, and I've worked too hard to get passed it to start going backwards again. And yeah, not all of the relationship was bad, but I find myself thinking, was it every really good? Or was I just letting myself believe it was?. When I start thinking that I usually know it's time to call my therapist.
Instead of doing that, I call Ryan. I want this to be different, I want everything to be open and honest. I quickly type her name into my phone and press call. She picks up after the first ring.
"Hello." She sounds tired, but even then I can hear the smile in her voice.
"Hey, I gotta talk to you about something. It's not bad, well, it kind of is, but not really." I ramble.
After a second, she responds, "Okay."
"I wrote this song." I start.
"What about?" She sounds a little worried.
"You. And I liked it, but it sounded like a song I wrote about my ex and I hated that so I scrapped it. I don't want you to remind me of her." I say. Why am I so nervous right now?
Another pause. "Okay, uh, thanks for letting me know." She doesn't sound mad, so that's good, right?
"Are you mad?" I question.
"What? No. I'm just tired, that's all." She laughs a little. "I appreciate you letting me know. I would've liked to hear it though." She's teasing me now.
"How about I write you another?"
"Hmm... yeah, I think that could work. Hold on, I'm gonna FaceTime you." She hangs up and calls me back immediately, but this time I can see her sitting on her bed, iced coffee in hand, hair messier than usual.
"Hi." I grin.
"Hello."
~~~
An hour and a half later, Ryan has to go to class. The minute she hangs up I open my phone and look for a florist close to her so that I can send her flowers. I find one that's ten minutes from her and buy pink tulips because I remember her telling me they were her favorite flower. I fill in her address and room number and close my phone to get to work on the new song.
I want it to be more vibrant than some of my others, because that's what she is. She's not just one color, she's all of them. Her smile is purple and so is her laugh, but her kisses are red and her touch is green. When she's sad she's a deep blue and when she's mad she's almost orange. It's like she refuses to be defined as just one thing.
It takes me maybe an hour to get the song down on paper. I want to show her now, but I'll wait. I don't want to do it over a call, I want to be able to see her, touch her, kiss her when it's done. I can wait a couple months.
~~~
The next day I'm sitting on the floor doing a random puzzle when I hear my phone ring from the other room. Reluctantly, I get up, but my spirits are lifted when I see that it's Ryan FaceTiming me.
"Thank you." She says immediately after I answer.
"For...?" I tease.
She laughs. God, I love her laugh. "You're annoying."
"Yeah, yeah. Do you like them?"
"They're gorgeous, Awsten, really. Thank you. You didn't have to do that." She says, sitting down.
"I know. That's why it's fun."
~~~
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@Ryan: cute
Comments @awstenknight: WHOEVER GOT YOU THOSE IS SO COOL
