The Secret World of Maya Alexander

Chapter 14

As she returned to the her white hallway of her home, Maya was greeted by the pattering of the shower from upstairs and the happy sound of her husband humming some unfamiliar but content tune. She exhaled her unrest. There was a bottle of Prosecco upon the kitchen table, laid out with two crystal glasses. Perched up against the bottle was a note.

To my amazing wife. Happy Summer Solstice. Here's to days that are filled with more light than darkness.

A butterfly feeling tickled Maya's stomach at the depth of her husband's words. For a man who hated poetry she thought his use of metaphor was quite profound. Or perhaps he was just referring to the bright vibrant summer days ahead and his knowledge of his wife's love for the natural world. Maybe it was just a different way of saying sorry. Even so, it showed greater insight than she had thought him capable of in recent years. She lingered on a memory of when they first met. How relieved she felt that another being seemed to understand the emptiness that ached inside. Maybe her perceptions at the time had been deluded by an eagerness to fill her empty nothingness with a something.

'You look deep in thought.' Stephen's voice made her jump from inside her head and back into reality. Was the voice accusing, enquiring or just a way to initiate conversation? Her brain fired uncertainties. Why must she try to interpret the intentions behind his every word? Why did she suddenly feel on edge?

'I was reading your note and wondering what you meant.' Maya responded honestly but the words seemed to come out all wrong, like a criticism instead of a pleasant curiosity.

'What do you mean? What I meant? God Maya! Can't I even write my wife a thoughtful note without you analysing it?' Stephen recognised the increased agitation in his voice; the quickening of his pulse quicken, the rush of heat to his head. He stopped himself. He looked at his watch three times. 18.23. 18.23. 18.23. His foot obliged with its calming ritual, which on this occasion ended with Stephen breathing deeply in and then out. Maya watched him. She remained still.

'It meant I want you to be happy!' Stephen spoke softly. He brushed his finger along Maya's arm. 'You sometimes have this dark place you go to but you seem a lot calmer lately. I'm proud of you baby,' he reassured her as he pulled her into him and held her, inhaling her and when he was ready, releasing her.

Stephen looked cast a warm gaze upon his wife. Maya smiled back and returned the warmth with a stroke upon his arm. She could not help but want to give him the reassurance he needed that everything would be okay. 'That prosecco is getting warm!' She said playfully, reaching for the bottle and passing it to Stephen to open.

'Italian wine! Italian restaurant and an Italian surprise!' Stephen exclaimed as the cork flew into the air to release a bubbly waterfall flowing down the neck of the bottle.

'It's your birthday. You should be the one who has surprises!' Maya felt guilty at the magazine subscription she had bought for Stephen. It was his favourite magazine, but she used to get so much pleasure from buying him other little surprises. But that pleasure had passed. She felt guilty for feeling guilty. Why should she feel bad if her husband chose to get her a surprise? Perhaps she had been so involved with herself that she had stopped noticing all the moments of kindness Stephen tried hard to provide. She decided she would work harder to savour these moments and she would start by trying to be the wife Stephen needed her to be for their evening out.

It was a warm evening for the month of June. Maya noticed how the world seemed quite stagnant for this time of year as they strolled through the quiet market town they often visited when eating out. Though the sky was clear, the lights of the little town made an insignificance of the starlight overhead. The trees were deathly still and there were no sounds from the birds, or perhaps Maya just could not hear their delicate evening call that day.

Maya surprised herself at eating almost half of her prawn risotto. Although she had been suppressing thoughts about her eating habits, she was aware that she had been avoiding situations where she would have to eat lots of food. She did not like feeling full. The ache of an empty stomach somehow made her feel stronger. Maybe it was the prosecco that took away those feelings for a little while and allowed her to enjoy the tastes and smells and sights of her last meal out with her husband.

Stephen's face seemed to light up as he smiled at Maya from across the table. He looked happy. He did not tell her that she was drifting off sometimes and not paying him enough attention. Maya did not notice that he did not tell her this. He reached out and touched her hand and Maya was happy to feel his warmth.

She felt as though she was dreaming or in a parallel universe when Stephen presented her with the tickets for a trip to Italy, complete with Alpine train journey, for their anniversary in September. Stephen brimmed with pride. He had finally got a gift right. The smile on her face, the tear in her eye. He loved this woman with all his heart. He looked at his watch so he could remember the moment. 21.42. He resisted the urge to look again. Instead, he held Maya's hand and squeezed it three times.

Drunk on prosecco and a moment of love, Stephen led Maya to the bedroom as soon as they returned home. The window had been left open. He rushed to close out the sound of an owl te-wit te-wooing before returning to his wife. He began kissing her, she kissed him back. He undressed her slowly, tenderly caressing each part of her. Awakening her. It was the first time they had made love since he had found out she had been pregnant. He looked at her and told her he loved her. And in that moment Maya felt a surprising reconnection. Of knowing him. Of being known.

He held her in his arms and stroked her long auburn hair. Her breaths sounded peaceful. 'I love you,' she whispered, able to say the words with meaning rather than from habit.

'I love you too Maya Alexander!' Stephen pronounced. 'I know it has been hard for you to go through what you did, but I am so proud of you,' he continued sharing his appreciation of the moment. 'I think losing the baby was almost a blessing, because it meant you finally got the counselling you needed to help you...To help us... To be better.'

Stephen felt a sudden loss of warmth next to his naked skin as his wife pushed him away and left the bed. She did not say a word. 'Maya!' His voice ran after her. 'Don't spoil a wonderful evening by taking that the wrong way!' He felt agitated, still oblivious to the devastation and destruction his words had caused.

Knowing had been followed with not knowing at all. Being and togetherness had become emptiness and solitude.

Maya picked up her black dress from the floor. She re-dressed her naked skin. She stepped into her heeled shoes and grabbed her handbag. She walked out of the bedroom, through the white hallway, down the stairs and out of the door. She slammed the door closed as she left.