The Secret World of Maya Alexander

Chapter 22

Maya felt a little uneasy as she drove home after her meeting with Marge. She had barely spoken to her husband over the last few months and now she had to contemplate a trip to Italy with him. What a waste, she thought, with a first pang of guilt creeping back to its familiar home in her mind. He had made such an effort with that gift. How could she continue to shut him out? It was cruel. Stephen's many cruel and angry words flashed before her as she contemplated her shame. The flashbacks ended with his genuine face smiling softly as he told her that losing their child was the best thing that had ever happened to them. Somehow, she had always been able to forgive the angry abuse that he had poured her way during their relationship. She had made her own excuses for both of them and accepted his apologies. Because she knew that he really did feel some kind of regret.

But she could never forgive his final heartfelt utterance from that burning night. She could not continue to try to meet someone in the middle when the middle comprised of a dark place where her soul could no longer breathe.

As Maya contemplated the holiday and whether she would tell anyone about her meeting at work, the sound of her ringtone summoned her from her thoughts. The car display flashed, Mum Mobile. Without properly considering whether or not she wished to take the call, Maya hit the accept button on the dashboard. Jackie had phoned without any particular routine or pattern at least once each week since her visit several months ago. It had been a significant increase from her previous quota of one call a month.

'Hi mum.' Maya called into the empty car, 'Is everything okay?' she had learned that asking questions created less need for her to have to think about sensible answers to her mother's concerned enquiries.

Maya had been avoiding as many calls as possible for the last few months. Especially those from her concerned sister Alice and loyal friend Charlie. It was as though accepting any concern and comfort offered to her in the real world might diminish the connection she had found faraway from people in her own secret place. She was not prepared to lose that sanctuary for the sake of a few fifteen minute connections. The sense of belonging, which she had found in her sacred hideaway, was far superior to any connection she had ever experienced whilst existing in the world which her physical form inhabited. A haven, where she did not have to shift and bend to fit. A world where she did not have to think about things that were hard to hear. A world where she could just be.

'Hi sweetheart' Jackie's slightly forced maternal voice echoed through the car. 'Things are fine, the consultancy work has got a little busy but that's my own fault,' she was more than happy to talk about easy and everyday things and had never felt comfortable prying into other people's emotions, or her own for that matter. 'Actually, I'm thinking of taking some time off. Maybe I could come visit?' The obligatory offer had appeared at least every month since the visit, and although it was genuine, Jackie always felt a relief when her offer was declined.

'Oh mum, that would be lovely!' the callers were both equally shocked at this response. Maya heard her voice continue. 'In fact, Stephen booked a trip to Italy in the next few weeks and he doesn't think he can get the time off now. Why don't you come?' The lie came quickly. Maya had not thought it through.

Equally taken aback, Jackie did not like to appear as though she were hesitating so took no time to consider the sudden invitation properly.  'That sounds lovely. We will have to sort out the dates. We have not been away together for a long time.'

They both recalled, with a certain amount of dread, the last family holiday to Spain when Maya had just finished her GCSE examinations. But it was too late now to undo the conversation. Maya had asked. Jackie had accepted.

The call ended a little abruptly and Maya began to feel overwhelmed by the tangled web of the day's events. Today was the first day in months she had allowed herself to engage with thinking about her state of mind. It had not served her well. She felt a sickness in her stomach as the air in the car tightened around her body and she struggled for breath. She pulled off the carriageway and found herself parked not far from home. close to the small woods which led to the river.