The Secret World of Maya Alexander

Chapter 41

There were only a few people, perhaps those who were closest to Maya, who had noticed a distance in her once warm and animated eyes that winter. The flurry and frenzy of the highs and lows of Autumn had been replaced by the chill of Jack's frost. And there was a stillness, a coolness, and an emptiness, as Autumn gave way to winter's peak.

Charlie was one of those who noticed. It was during their weekly meetings, which he had given his friend little choice but to adhere to, that he began to see. There was something mechanical and guarded in Maya's being. Something which he had never before experienced during their many years of friendship. All the words that came from her mouth made perfect sense. Conversation flowed. She even smiled and seemed to make the noise of laughter in just the right places. Yet her eyes seemed more fixed at grey than ever before. The warmth that had always burned behind her emerald eyes, as she expressed both her passions and despair, had vanished.

It was their fourth meeting before Charlie broached the emptiness hidden behind Maya's words. Tired of hearing about her routines or the fact that she was embracing a new feeling of calm and indifference, Charlie became uncharacteristically frustrated with his best friend.

'Who is this woman I am drinking tea with?!' There was a jokey tone to his voice but it did not disguise the very serious concern beneath his words. 'This is not Maya! This is an imposter!' He was certain that the Maya he had known for almost twenty years would never accept being called an imposter, or at the very least may shed a tear at the thought of it. Not that he wanted to make her cry. He just wanted to make her feel.

They had sometimes had conversations about how Maya felt that she floated through most parts of her day, hiding a part of her being which she could not quite describe. Charlie had once made her promise that when she was with him she would always be unapologetically 'Maya', because he would never tolerate her imposters. At the time it had been a joke, to bring some cheer to her uncertain eyes. But it had also been a heartfelt statement with the intent of reassuring her that he liked all the colours in her rainbow and would never turn her away.

The loaded word did not seem to ignite even the smallest spark behind his companion's eyes that day, and instead of challenging the comment or showing despair, Maya answered with a stale and sterile voice. 'Oh, I had not realised I was being an imposter.' The distant memory of sitting with Charlie and discussing this topic in the past crept into her thoughts, but it had become a rather strange notion. A silly thing to spend your time thinking and talking about. Indulgent in fact. She felt a brief shame at her former self, but managed to hold it in.

Cold words came instead. 'Maybe I am changing for the better and you are just not used to it yet?' There was a flatness in her tone. 'I always ran to you whenever things were wobbling in my head. Maybe I am not who you always thought? Maybe I led you to believe I was someone else? Maybe this is me and that other girl was the imposter?'

As she sat before him, speaking clear sentences with her robotic eyes, Charlie suddenly felt an overwhelming sadness. The words she uttered had an essence of Maya, always questioning who she was and what was real. He had always believed that his Maya was the real one. The one that she believed that no one else could see. What if this woman sat before him was right? Maybe, like everyone else, he only saw a tiny piece of Maya. The most uncertain and needy part. The days when her unrest was at its highest. He searched his memory for different kinds of days. 'What about our snowman?What about baking cakes? What about dancing in the ocean?' He felt an unrest in his own voice now, as his words stretched across the table with an urgency.

They had never really talked about dancing in the ocean. It was years ago now, when Maya had spent a few weeks of the summer with Charlie just before getting married, after what had been a very long engagement. Maya had told Stephen she needed space. He had become angry and his anger had terrified her, so she had left anyway. But only for a brief reprieve, until her guilt and shame at the distress she had caused her fiance set in. Charlie had hoped she would not return to Stephen. Not for his sake but for her own. Maya had always suffered with her own unrest, but since she had been with Stephen, it was plain to Charlie that she seemed to be in a heightened state of alert, cautious of her own self. Muted. Maybe that was why he was struggling with the Maya that sat across from him in the quiet cafe. Maybe it was not his Maya, maybe it was Stephen's Maya and maybe that was the real Maya.