A Dance of Life

7

Today officially marks one month that I've been pregnant, and a week since I found out, and I still don't know how to act. I'm staring at my body in the mirror, looking for any changes, but it shows no evidence of the turmoil I'm facing inside.

My phone starts to ring and I groan. Different people have been trying to reach me to find out what happened at the auditions, but I'm not ready to talk about it, especially not with people who don't actually care. Speaking of caring, Pat has been treating me like a princess; attending to my every need, and I'm already sick of it. All I want is for everything to go back to normal.

It's too late for that.

I head out of the bedroom to grab something to eat, and I find Nathan and Patricia in the living room, talking in hushed voices. He's been coming over to try and talk to me, but I've been avoiding him. You spend one week with a guy, and suddenly he won't leave you alone. I slowly back up into the bedroom, but Pat catches me in the act.

"You're finally awake, how are you feeling?" She asks, signaling for me to sit beside her.

"I feel the same as yesterday, Pat," I reply from where I'm standing, "You've been asking me that for days now, and I'm confused about the answer you want."

"I know this whole thing is hard for you, and you're dealing with a big change, but can't we celebrate the small victories?" She says carefully.

"Did you find the guy?" I ask Nathan.

"No, but -"

"So I don't know what small victories you're talking about," I interrupt him, turning back to Patricia.

"Maybe the fact that you don't have any diseases?" She says slowly.

I sigh and look away. She's right; all the tests came back negative, but I've been so caught up in the undesirable aspects of my life that I've completely overlooked any good thing. "I'm sorry," I comment under my breath.

"You don't have to apologize, babe, just know that you can talk to me."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll remember that." I look at Nathan who has a hopeful look on his face, it reminds me of a puppy. "Sorry that I've been avoiding you, I just-"

"As Patricia said, you don't need to apologize. We know you're going through a lot, and we don't expect you to be peachy, but we don't want you to slide into a hole."

I give him a thumbs up and sit on the couch beside Pat. "So what were you guys talking about?"

They exchange a look and Nathan clears his throat. "Are you coming back to self-defense classes?"

Smooth, Nathan.

"Yeah, I'll come back on Wednesday, I think. How's Diana?" I ask him, "I've been meaning to call her back but..."

"She's good, just worried about you."

"Did you tell her what's wrong?"

"I didn't think it was my place. Anyways, I need to go," He tells us, standing up, "I'll be praying for you, Annelise. Don't forget that you're not alone."

***

"I don't know what I'm doing, Pat," I say as we're watching TV and eating lunch.

"Huh?" She turns the volume down and faces me.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I repeat, "I feel like my head's going to explode. I don't want this baby. How can I give birth to the baby of a rapist, a monster? What type of child would it be?"

"Well, it wouldn't have horns and a tail, if that's what you're thinking."

"You know that's not what I mean," I exhale, moving away from her. "Knowing how the child was conceived... I don't know how I'm going to get over that. Plus my life... my life has been thrown off track, and I'm lost."