A Dance of Life

46

I look between Dr. Clarissa and her psychiatrist, or is it psychologist, friend beside her. When Dr. Clarissa suggested she bring her friend along for my appointment yesterday, everyone agreed, pleading with me to give it a chance. So, here I am. Giving it a chance.

"How long have you been a psychiatrist?"

"Psychologist," she tells me, a kind smile on her face.

"Right... and the difference is what exactly?"

She adjusts in her seat and places her palms flat on her lap as she reads my face. I stare back blankly in return.

"A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and would sooner give you pills than listen to you talk. They focus on the chemical imbalances going on in your brain. I, on the other hand, am here to treat your emotional and mental stability through communication."

I blink a couple of times and relax slightly, she's not trying to chuck me full of medication, good, cause I wouldn't take it.

"Okay, so how does this go?"

I catch Pat's eye, and we exchange nervous smiles. Because my family insisted on me seeing a psychologist, I insisted on shifting my check up to afternoon so Pat would be done with her morning shift.

How am I going to cope when I go back home?

"Well, you and Dr. Clarissa will continue as normal, and I'll be here to help you sort through any difficulties and fears," the psychologist, Mary, informs me. She turns her head to face Pat, then turns back to me. "You can sit beside your friend if it would make you feel better," she tells me, nodding slowly.

If I do it'll make the leaving harder; I need to reduce unnecessary dependency.

"No, thank you, I'm good here," I reply with a nod of my own and pursed lips.

"Alright then, Annelise, let me check you and the babies vitals," Dr. Clarissa says, standing and moving towards me.

After a few moments of her moving around me, hooking me up to this and that, and me staring up at the white ceiling, she's finally done with me, and she drags the ultrasound machinery closer to me.

She helps me lean my chair back and instructs me to raise my loose-fitting shirt. I distract myself by counting how many panels were using for the ceiling, my eyes crossing every now and then.

"Is everything alright, Annelise? Tell me what's on your mind." Mary's voice floats into my head, causing me to forget the number I was on.

I flinch from the cold gel Dr. Clarissa is applying to my abdomen before shifting my eyes momentarily to the psychologist and back up.

"Nothing is on my mind."

A lie. Too many things are on my mind, and I'm trying not to think about them.

"Okay," she says smoothly, not bothered to argue. "Tell me about your fears surrounding your pregnancy."

An unsteady thumping fills the room as my doctor moves the Doppler wand over and across my abdomen, distracting everyone in the room.

I frown, is it meant to sound like that?

The thumping evens out, and I release a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Sorry if that worried you," Dr. Clarrisa starts to say. "Their heartbeats were overlapping. Just ignore me, when I'm finished with everything I'll let you know."

"So, any fears Annelise?" Mary asks again.

"Besides wondering whether or not my rapist is going to try and get custody over my children," I grind out, wanting to get a reaction from her apart from the cool, calm, and collected one she's displaying.