Cherry- H.S

River Of Tears.

A/N: By the chapter title you can already tell how this is going to go... I apologize in advance.

    I wake up, and just lay with him. I don't move, I don't make it known that I'm awake. I don't want to. I hate that this is how I am in this. Insecurity is something I've dealt with my entire life, but this is by far the worst it's been. The aspect of someone new in my life being weighed down by everything in my past... I hate the thought. I hate that he's seen me this way multiple times now and I hate the way that it's even happening in the first place. I'm having nightmares about Harry now. I'm having vivid nightmares about losing him...

    "You're awake..." He mumbles, and I close my eyes again.

    "I am.." I reply.  "How'd you know?" I ask.

    "Your breathing changed..."

    "How long have you been awake listening to me breathe?" I ask, and he starts moving his hand up and down my back once more.

    "Since you went back to sleep." He tells me, and I sit up instantly. "Don't give me that face..." He tilts his head, and I cover my face, sighing deeply.

    "Did you stay awake because you wanted to for me, or because you couldn't sleep?" I ask softly, and he shrugs.

    "A little bit of both. I don't like seeing you like that... It hurts." He mumbles, and reaches for me, but I sit back, falling to my butt, and looking at him from where I sit.

    "You shouldn't lose sleep over me..." I cross my arms over my chest, and look at him.

    "You lose sleep over me... Those nightmares and all. I think it's only fair I do the same." He tries to make this light hearted, but I shake my head in response. This is all so fucked. "Cherry... Why do you care so much about me seeing you? Seeing this... It's a part of you, it's how you are, and-"

    "It shouldn't be... It shouldn't be how I am... Harry this is all so much, and it almost feels like it's some joke, like all of this is just a joke." I shake my head, and he tilts his.

    "What do you mean?" He asks, leaning forward.

    "I loved him, he hurt me, he died, I spent a year of my life trying to understand all of this, and right when I think I've figured this out. I think I've figured everything about me out-"

    "What exactly had you figured out?" He asks.

    "I was just a sad person. I was someone who didn't attract people because I couldn't. I wasn't anything to take a second look at. I would never find anyone who could treat me like Dean did, or care for me like Dean did, and now I realize how fucking crazy those thoughts were. Dean didn't give a fuck about me, he didn't care about what I cared about, he didn't care about me. He didn't care for me either, he wouldn't hardly speak to me at all when he was away... I'm not sad, I'm angry now, I'm just angry... Everything I had thought was completely altered." I shake my head, almost as if the realization is hitting me again.

    "Self discovery happens a lot when you meet new people." He tells me, and I want to tell him that meeting him and being like this with him isn't about self discovery, it's about fearing feelings for someone who can't reciprocate. "Can you just talk to me?" He asks, and it's almost laughable, so that's what I do.. I laugh at his words, and he shakes his head, confused at my actions.

    "That's all I ever do... I always tell you everything..." I speak truthfully. "I'm fine... I promise I'm fine, I just don't like the thought of you having to see me like that." I admit.

    "That's how things like this go... See you at your worst, and see you at your best too.. You don't get to pick and choose, but what you can do is tell me what you want to do about it.." He mumbles, and I shake my head, just trying to think. "You know what I've noticed always helps you?" He asks, and I shrug. "You talk to the cat, and then you get a smoothie... Or you write some music..." I nod, knowing that's always true, it does help me. "But you do it best without distraction." He mumbles.