Hidden Feelings and Hesitations

[5] Frankie

Harrison, Brady, and I were sitting on the bottom row with a bunch of other seniors, waiting for the JV game to start. Jules and Annie were with us, but I was assuming Carolina was coming to the game with her boyfriend. I had no idea where Logan or Haylie were, and I told myself that I didn't care, but it wasn't true.

There was less than five minutes left until it started when the two of them walked into the gym together. I rolled my eyes when I saw that they were holding hands and started watching the team warm up to avoid looking at either one of them. They'd apparently decided not to sit together the entire time because Haylie sat in an empty space between Annie and me and Logan sat on the other side of B. Maybe they'd realized that no one wanted to watch them cling to each other all night or something. Whatever the reason was, I was glad that it had led to this.

Haylie and I didn't say anything to each other once she sat down. I hadn't spoken to her in over a week, except for two days ago when my sister and her friends congratulated me on playing a good game. It wasn't exactly like that had been a lengthy conversation, considering I was exhausted and not in the mood to talk.

Annie saved things from getting too awkward when she pointed out who Justin Stephens was. She was still so caught up on him, even though he was about as big of a dick as Isaiah. Harrison nudged my side, pulling my attention away from the girls.

"Your jealousy is showing," he whispered, but I could tell he wasn't making fun of me. "Get a grip, Frankie. She's with him and he's our friend. Our good friend. He's not going to fuck around with her. She's safe with him."

I clenched my jaw tighter than it already was. "I'm not talking about this in here," I murmured back. "Let's go in the hallway."

The two of us got up and he asked if anyone wanted anything from the concession stand, which I was grateful for because I never would've thought to use it as an excuse. Jules held out the ten dollars Dad had given us and asked for a pretzel with cheese. I grabbed it out of her hand without a word, causing her to send me a look that said we'd talk about this later. Briefly, I wondered how likely that was with the party tonight. I figured she'd be the one in the bad mood tomorrow and hoped I was safe.

He'd barely waited until we'd left the gym to ask me about my terrible mood. "What the hell is your problem? She's going to know something's up if you won't even look at her for half a second. Come on, why are you letting her get to you so much? This isn't like you."

"I don't fucking know," I snapped under my breath. There were dozens of people with little kids around and I was well known throughout the community, considering I wasn't shy about my sexuality and I'd been on varsity since freshman year for my sports. "I just can't stop thinking about her. It's like everything goes back to her, everything is so she'll notice me, everything revolves around her. I'm fucked, Harrison." I could feel myself getting worked up and angry as I wished I could get her out of my mind.

He could tell I was getting anxious about the situation, so we moved to an empty hall with the lights half off. No one was supposed to be down here during basketball games. "She's just a straight girl. That's all is she is and you've fallen for how many of those before? What's so different about her? What makes her so special?"

"I don't know. There's just something that's making this so difficult. There's this constant feeling telling me that I have to know her, but I can't. I can't know her, I can't even talk to her." My feet carried me back and forth across the hall. Harrison's eyes were on me the entire time, making sure I didn't do anything stupid.

"You didn't tell her how you feel, so that's probably not helping. You still need to be honest with her." He crossed his arms and shrugged, which I recognized as his personal version of telling me that this is how it is.