Hidden Feelings and Hesitations

[12] Haylie

I felt like I was in a trance as I slipped my black dress over my head and reached back to zip it up. I hadn't gone to school all week, my mind was too foggy. I really didn't know how I was going to make it through today, either.

The viewing yesterday had been rough. I'd had to shut myself in the back room to recompose myself multiple times and I could barely look at my grandma for more than ten seconds. The only good part about any of this was seeing my cousins again. I hadn't been around them since Christmas and there were a couple I was pretty close in age with.

At least today, my friends would be here. Quinn had come up late last night with her parents and stayed with me, so she was my main source of support and strength right now, but I knew Annie, Jules, and Carolina would be here for me just as much when they got to the church.

Quinn tried to keep me occupied while we were waiting for the service to start. She dragged me around with her as we explored various rooms we probably shouldn't have been in. It didn't do much good, though. The only thing I could think about was what I was going to say when it was my turn to speak.

My mom came looking for us a few minutes before we needed to be upstairs, letting out a relieved sigh when she found us in a Sunday school room. "There you are. Haylie, there are some girls here asking for you." She turned to leave before I had the chance to respond, so we followed her up without a word.

My eyes brushed over the first three girls, quickly taking in their dark dresses, but came to rest on the fourth that I hadn't expected to be there. A crisp light grey dress shirt hung off of her, accompanied by a navy vest, tie, and pair of pants. She seemed frozen when she saw me, too, her hand pausing halfway through its run over the top of her head.

Annie broke my stare when she surged forward and hugged me. The other two followed a split-second later, but Frankie hung back, awkwardly glancing around, as if she wasn't sure if it was okay to touch me.

"Is everything going okay?" Carolina asked, her voice muffled by what I had to guess was someone's arm.

"As okay as it can be," I replied, but my heart wasn't in it and it was obvious. They let go of me and another few beats passed before the girl I really wanted to hold me closed the space between us. A reaction went off in me that I knew I shouldn't be having.

"Whatever you need, I'm here," she murmured, her lips right next to my ear. The tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach intensified.

"Thanks," I whispered back between attempts at talking myself into pulling away from her. I couldn't seem to do it, but she managed to save both of us. I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. "Um, Quinn, this is Annie, Jules, Carolina, and Frankie. Guys, this is Quinn, she's one of my friends from Omaha."

The girl beside me gave a tight smile to them, like she didn't want to seem too happy to meet them because of the circumstances. "Thanks for being here for her when I couldn't be," she told them and I could tell she genuinely meant it. I noticed she regarded Frankie for an extra second and figured she must have remembered what I'd told her over Christmas break. She didn't have time to say anything, though, because my parents came past and quietly told us the service was starting.

My best friend went with the other girls after I reassured her that I would be all right. I knew she'd get along with them, so I wasn't worried about leaving them alone with each other. Not that my mind could really concentrate on that.

As I took my seat in the front row next to my parents, I took a deep breath. Things just felt... empty now. It was like there was no meaning. There was no happiness or anything to look forward to. Life felt heavy on my shoulders and crushed my chest.