Hidden Feelings and Hesitations

[6] Haylie

As soon as Frankie and I got back downstairs, we found Harrison and Logan again. I pulled Logan to the side, but I couldn't look at him as I said, "I don't feel very well. I'm going to find Carolina and ask if she can take me home." It hadn't been a total lie. A sick feeling had settled into my stomach from what I'd done.

"Do you want me to come with you?" he asked, sounding worried, but I shook my head.

"No, stay. It's your last year coming to this party, so you might as well enjoy it. I just had too much to drink. I'm fine. Tell Harrison and Frankie goodbye for me?"

"Yeah, okay." He still sounded like he wasn't sure if he should let me walk around the house alone, but I knew my friend was still in the basement, so I headed down to find her.

She was on the couch with Annie, who was completely trashed. The two of them were watching Jules flirt with a guy I didn't know in the corner. Apparently, it was pretty funny because they wouldn't stop laughing.

I went over to them and put my hand on Carolina's shoulder to get her attention. She jumped and whipped her head around. "Jesus, Haylie. What the hell?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just want to go home."

"Now? Why?" She turned her whole body, shifting so her leg was folded up on the couch with her. Annie was still giggling behind her at her reaction from a few seconds ago. "Did something happen?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go." My throat closed up and I nearly started crying, but I forced myself to get a handle on my emotions. She saw right through it.

"Okay. Okay, honey, let's go. I'm going to see if Harrison can take them and then we'll leave." She motioned to our friends and we went back upstairs to find that the three of them hadn't moved from the kitchen. I stayed back, not wanting to give either Frankie or Logan the chance to say anything to me, while Carolina filled Harrison in on what was going on.

Luckily, he didn't have a problem with taking them home, so we were on our way to her car within the next couple of minutes. I couldn't stop the tears now as they fell to my cheeks. I felt like such a terrible person.

She started the car, but didn't go anywhere yet. I wasn't sure if it was because she was warming it up or because she wanted to know what happened. My question was answered when she said, "Haylie, I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, but you're scaring me a little bit. I just want to make sure you're okay."

I pulled myself together long enough to spit out a sentence, but it wasn't pretty. "He's going to hate me when he finds out."

"When who finds out? Finds out what?" She scooted closer to me and put her hand between my shoulder blades.

"Logan! He won't care that I didn't mean to do it, he won't care that I didn't mean anything by it, he'll hate me." I buried my face in my hands, no longer capable of meeting Carolina's eyes. She simply pulled me into a hug in an attempt to make me feel better.

"Okay, I'm only going to ask this one more time and I want you to tell me the truth, okay? I want you to be honest." My friend let go of me and sat back in her seat. Her hand found mine and grabbed it as I nodded, prompting her to continue with her question. "What happened, Haylie?"

"I-I, I kissed Frankie," I sobbed and let my free hand cover my mouth. Had I actually just told her? And if I had, then why?

"On purpose?" Her eyes narrowed, as if she was trying to make sure she had all of the facts straight. I couldn't do anything but nod.

"You can't tell anyone," I pleaded. "I don't feel that way about her. I swear to God I don't. I'm not gay, I don't like her, I don't like girls. I—"