Hidden Feelings and Hesitations

[14] Haylie

I fucked up so bad and I knew it. I knew how horrible what I kept doing was. I knew it wasn't just destroying me anymore, it was tearing Frankie apart, too. And I knew I couldn't continue to let that happen. I cared about her way too much for that. So much so that I was starting to wonder if what I felt wasn't merely a crush, but something more.

It wasn't like the thought of love hadn't crossed my mind. I'd just been refusing to dwell on it long enough to really figure it out. But the way it hit me when she pushed her way out of the bathroom was different than anything I'd experienced with a boy. I hadn't felt anything close to that since I'd been around Quinn. Realizing that made me realize I needed to do what I'd been putting off since mere weeks after it began. It made me realize I needed to break up with Logan.

As soon as I left the bathroom, I found him and grabbed his arm, gently pulling him to the side of the room. There was no one around us, but half of our friends seemed to be watching us. Over my boyfriend's shoulder, I saw Harrison reach up to touch Frankie's jaw, but I snapped my eyes back to the person in front of me.

"What's going on? You missed Kyle and Cindy cutting the cake." He looked confused, but willing to listen and help me with whatever I needed to tell him about. I doubted that willingness would last much longer.

I let out a big breath of air that I'd been holding in, feeling my nerves dig a little deeper. "Um, I know this is probably not the best place to talk about this, but if I don't do this now, I don't think I'll ever do it. And I have to do it."

His eyebrows inched lower on his face. "Do what?"

"We have to break up, Logan," I quietly told him. "I can't, I can't do this with you anymore."

"Why?" He shifted on his feet, moving a little closer to me, but I stepped back from him.

"There's a lot I've been trying to figure out and it hasn't been easy, but I can't lie anymore. Whether that's to myself or my friends or people around me, I can't do it." My fingers started to twist themselves together in front of my stomach. I couldn't believe I was finally admitting this out loud, point-blank, one hundred percent. "I think I'm gay." A nervous laugh followed my confession before I could stop it. "I love spending time with you, but it's not the same as when I've spent time with a girl. Kissing you, hugging you, flirting with you, it's not the same. I'm so sorry I didn't just accept it sooner, but I thought if I gave it enough time, this relationship—us—could drown all of that out. But it couldn't. All I can be with you is friends, I don't feel anything for you beyond that."

Logan slowly stumbled back a couple feet and sank into a chair at an empty table. His hand rubbed against his forehead as he processed what I'd told him. I didn't move from the spot I currently occupied. "Which girl?"

I blinked several times, my head tilting a little as I tried to understand what he was asking about. "What?"

"You said it's not the same as being with a girl. So which one? If she's not out, you don't have to say who it is. That's not your secret to tell or mine to know."

"Oh." I nodded a single time and took a seat beside him so it would be easier to talk about this. "Well, there's two, really. Two that I can actually remember. I'm sure there was more when I was younger. That's not important, though. Quinn was sort of the first one who made me realize I might not be as straight as I thought. I don't feel that way about her anymore, but I used to really want to kiss her and spend all my time with her. The other is Frankie. She's much more current and she's the entire reason I'm even telling you any of this."

He sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "Fuck."

"Are you mad at me? You know, for not saying anything sooner?"