Hidden Feelings and Hesitations

[13] Frankie

I headed downstairs early one morning before school with my keys in my hand. Logan and I had made plans to get breakfast before school so we could talk. I had no idea how he would react to anything I said. Our friendship had become so strained that I felt like I barely knew him anymore.

But I also knew that wasn't entirely true. I knew his birthday and his favorite color. I knew his sisters, his parents, the cousin he was closest to. I knew how to push his buttons and how to embarrass him and how to get him to open up. I knew why he found it easier to be honest with me than he found it to be with Harrison and B. I knew his favorite thing to do when all of us were together. I knew all of the reasons he liked soccer more than baseball. I knew his first crush, his first kiss, what he wanted to name his first kid. And more than that, I knew he knew all of those things about me, too.

Thirteen years of being around him had taught me all of that, but it felt like I'd just spent the last five months undoing everything. It felt like we were a fraction of what we used to be. All of that was because I was jealous that he got to be with Haylie.

I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep pretending my feelings didn't exist. I couldn't keep hiding, even if his girlfriend wasn't ready to do the same.

When I pulled into a parking space in front of the donut shop we'd chosen, I noticed his car wasn't there yet. I decided to go in to wait for him, since it was still cold outside in the mornings and I didn't want to waste my gas.

I glanced between the door and my phone every few seconds, growing more impatient by the second. Logan wasn't usually late to things, but he'd seemed to be making it a habit lately. There was only one reason why that seemed to stick in my mind, but I chose not to say anything when he finally rushed through the door. The little bell over the frame was still clanging when he dropped into the seat across from me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be late. My parents forgot and they were trying to tell me I had to take my sisters to school," he apologized, sounding slightly out of breath from the stress of the argument I was guessing he'd had and from making me wait. He really wasn't a fighter, which was what made this so hard.

"Nah, it's cool." I shrugged it off and slid my phone into my pocket. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, starving." Though he'd just sat down, we got to our feet and went up to the counter. Both of us peered through the glass case, trying to decide what we wanted.

After a minute or two of us just standing there, we finally made up our minds. "Can I have one of the chocolate cream-filled ones and a coffee, please?" I asked the girl behind the counter, who I noticed was very, very pretty. She also looked vaguely familiar, so I figured she must have graduated from our school a few years ago. Logan ordered his and went to give her some money but I pushed his hand out of the way and pulled a ten from my wallet. I didn't need to see his face to know he was about to ask why I'd just done that, so I kept my eyes on a chalkboard on the wall. "Trust me, after hearing what I have to say, this won't even remotely feel like progress."

"Progress towards what?" His eyebrows sunk lower on his face as he put his money away.

"You'll see," I said, not wanting to get into it while we were still waiting on our food. Lucky for him, donuts and coffee didn't take long to hand over and we were back at the table I'd picked within a minute.

Neither of us said anything while we dug into our breakfasts. It was only after I'd nearly given myself a third-degree burn from trying to drink my coffee too soon that any form of communication started to happen.

"Are you okay?" He leaned forward in his chair and handed me a water bottle from his book bag. "You seem kind of off."

I put the bottle to my mouth and let the cool liquid pass over my stinging tongue. "Are you saying you don't normally notice when I make a fool out of myself in public?" I joked, but was grateful that there weren't too many people in here. "It's a little hard to miss."