The Bittersweet

chapter eleven - macaron

It's been two whole days since I've seen him. I started to want to know what he looked like; had his hair grown out or did he keep it short? Did he grow taller? Had he gotten any new tattoos like he's said he wanted. I couldn't stop thinking about it. What if Ethan hadn't pulled me away. Would I have been able to look at him?

After the incident, we drove to Rom's flat and waited for Wes and Rom there. I sat in silence as Ethan drove through the night following directions with Google Maps. I held on to the cupcakes knowing that there was a 50/50 chance of Ethan being picky about me eating in his car.

Riley and Dakota sat in the back sending each other text messages, in fear of talking and breaking the silence. As soon as Wes and Rom showed up and took us to his apartment suite, we all settled down in his living room and drank and ate quietly but in a way that felt as if nothing had really happened, well Rom had certainly made it feel that way.

Rom and Wes hated getting other people involved in the dramatics of Damien, the more people knew the more people talked. They would be coming over today, most probably to talk about what happened and what's to happen in the coming week. 

Dakota got to mine first claiming she had no homework when I knew she definitely did have piles of them she'd leave to the last minute again. Wes and Rom were on their way, insisting that we go get food after they get to mine. I had no idea why, we wouldn't be in the mood to eat after anyway.

"Can we watch High School Musical tonight? I'm in the mood to binge."

"Which ones?" I ask looking up at her from the floor of my room,

She smiles mischievously not taking her eyes off the screen in front of her, "All of them."

I shake my head knowing she'd have a hard time convincing the boys to stay and watch all three. I pull at the fluffy black rug beneath my legs, scrolling through my Instagram feed to kill time.

"Hello my babies, long time no see."

I glance up a the sound of Rom's voice and move to get up and greet him with a hug. Wes walked in immediately after him, closing the door behind him, I moved to hug him next. Dakota said her hi's to them and we got settled throughout my room in our individual spots.

We waited for Wes to break the silence, we waited for him to address what needed to be addressed.

"I really have to admire how well Ethan acted with the entire situation. Glad he was there to move you out of it before it got too hectic."

I nodded agreeing to Wes. I didn't want the questions to flood into my mind but they did anyway. I wanted them to tell me how he looked, how he acted, was he okay, did he look okay? Instead they looked at me wearily, expecting a reaction I couldn't give them.

"Maya," Rom started, moving my study chair closer to where I sat, "are you sure you're ready to do this?"

I look at him directly in his deep brown eyes seeing nothing but genuine concern in his eyes. You could tell a lot by his eyes, it was his most sincere readable feature.

"I- I don't know" I replied honestly. I want to be able to say yes. I want to be able to get over this and have them stop treading so lightly around me about him. I want to overcome. 

"What do you guys think? Can I do it?" Did he look as broken as I felt?

Dakota looked away avoiding my desperate gaze, Rom looked down unsure of how he felt, my heart dropped and I swallowed.

Wes exhales loudly leaning back into the bean bag, "Maya. You can do anything. Whether you're ready or not you can do this."

I didn't know what to say, "Can you tell me how he is?" I said softly almost mumbling.

Rom gets up and sits beside me on my bed, "He's the same Maya. He's the same as he always has been."

Wes realises that that's not what I want and gets up to sit at the study chair, Dakota feeling left out moves closer as well.

"He has some new tattoos," Wes starts sighing, "He looked a little sickly but that's probably because he saw all the people he fucked over at the same place."

"He's a little taller." Dakota continues cutting off Wes, "His hair was a little longer than I last remember, I think he tanned so Italy or wherever must've treated him well. Might've gotten a little hotter- Ow! We're talking observations here!" 

Wes narrows his eyes at her and shakes his head in disapproval.

"He still looks like Damien. Maya. It's still Damien." Rom assures softly, 

"He tried to go after you but I think the fact that Ethan was the one who pulled you away shocked him enough to not continue."

I bite my lip reminding myself I had to thank Ethan again for that,

"He talked to us. After you all left. While we waited for our orders and bought the cupcakes. He talked to me mostly, which was smart as I had no idea how Wes was able to keep his fists from swinging."

Wes cracked a small sad smile, "I had no idea whether I wanted to hug him or hit him. He was there in front of my eyes for the first time in a year. I missed him."

"I did too."

I couldn't blame them. What we had as a group was amazing.  We spent days and holidays together, vacations and road trips with countless sleep overs and traditions. It got complicated when we started dating; knew it would end complicated, but we didn't know it would end like this. We were a little tight knit family, our families also like each others family.

"I threw a macaron at him." Dakota states out of the blue. I looked at her smiling at her incredulity, "I threw it. And it missed. The bitch didn't even flinch."

It's almost like he knew she had shit aim, we all shook our heads at her, 

"I wanted to run to him and jump in his arms. Seeing him there, alive, not gone. It made me want to."

She looked at me almost as if she was sorry she wanted to, "He was there Maya. I wanted to but then I turned to see Ethan push you out the door, Riley looking frozen in place, Wes and Rom the most still I had ever seen. I remembered what we went through. What you went through. And I didn't"

We looked down feeling the sudden weight of heart break resting on our shoulders. 

"I'm not saying you can't do it. I don't know what I'm saying. I just- he was like my brother and it made me weak seeing him. He was more to you than he was to us and if it made me do that, consider that, I don't know how it'd be like for you."

She was right. They were right. Just the thought of seeing him, for a split second if I had had that chance, would send me spiralling. 

"But you're right Maya. You do need to talk to him. You do need to get this sorted." Rom says running his fingers in comfort through my hair as I hug a pillow tighter into my chest.

"We'll be right here Maya. We can come when you go; before, during, after." Wes suggests, 

I take comfort in it, think about it. "I need to do this myself. After, whichever way it goes, you guys can decide whether you want to talk to him as well." I say after a while.

They nod in agreement, their eyes trained elsewhere, their minds even further away.

"We got this." I say finally, "We got this guys."

Author's Note:

Can I get guesses for what Damien's done?