Where Are You?

CHAPTER EIGHT ~

Assalamu aleikum :) This chapter is dedicated to Zainubroxs. Thank you for being an inspiration to me sis.

      The sudden gust of cold and harsh wind made my abaya and jilbab stick to my body like a second skin. Ugh! Why wind?! Why? Ya Allah please make it stop. I really hate when this happens to me and the grocery bags I was carrying made things ten times worse. Just keep walking; keep moving. Ya Allah, it feels like everyone is watching me. Or maybe I'm being paranoid. Lowering my head so that my niqab doesn't blow off, I started walking faster.

Alhamdulillah, I did not fret when mom told me to go to the market today. Of course the women there made crude remarks about me but it didn't bother me. Ok maybe it did. A little. But it made them more angry when they saw how unresponsive I was to their taunting and abuse. Allah was granting me the patience I so needed to deal with the idiotic people of this town.

"Ahlam!" I was cut off my thoughts by a sweet voice I haven't heard in a while. Looking up, I stared at the lovely veiled woman infront of me. Her eyes was shining with happiness and before I could greet her she engulfed me in a hug. Awkwardly still, since I was still carrying the bags, she started kissing my cheeks, well my covered cheeks.

" Ahlam! How have you been dear? How are your parents? Especially your mother, tell her I've missed her alot. We should definitely have lunch together In'shaa'Allah. Oh Ahlam, I've missed you so much!" She finished her mini speech by kissing me on the head. She's just like Muna sometimes or maybe it's the other way round.

"I have missed you too mum." I said said sincerely. "And alhamdulillah everyone is fine at home." She nodded in approval mumbling an 'alhamdulillah'

" Well, let me not take any more of your time I see you're running an errand for for your mother. I best be going too, I'm going to see Muna. She invited me for lunch." I could tell she was ecstatic to see her daughter. "You know, we can go to your house to drop off the groceries that way I can see your mother then we can go to Muna's."

Oh my Allah, how badly I wanted to see my best friend and Bushra. It has been two months since we talked. And by talk, I mean me calling her and her not picking up. I don't know how or why, but I feel like with each passing day we drift even further apart. We were slowly becoming strangers.

And I hated it.

But will she be happy when I show up at her doorstep unannounced? Does she even want to see me? No. The answer would be no. Besides, I'd be intruding on their mother-daughter luncheon. She clearly wants to spend some quality time with her mom.

Plastering a fake smile under my niqab, I politely declined her offer. With another round of hugs and kisses and a promise to visit each other, we parted ways.

I reached home safely alhamdulillah and after putting away the groceries I noticed that mom wasn't home. I know I'm not a child anymore but whenever mom goes out I internally freak out. If it was socially acceptable I would've bawled my eyes dry. Just like when I was younger.

"Assalamu aleikum." It was Yusuf. He graduated high school last month and all he does is sleep. He said he was going to 'recompensate' all the sleepless night he endured during finals. But he's been sick for the past three days.

"Waaleikum salaam." I replied curtly. Yusuf's and I relationship has changed also. For the worse. We don't tell each other anything anymore, we don't confide in each other. But it's all my fault. I pushed him away during my depression phase. I was mean to him and now I know I can't take back all the hurtful things I said to him. Subhanallah, there's even a time I made him cry. Well he didn't exactly cry infront me but after our argument mom saw him cry. Then after a week, mom told me and I felt so bad that I started crying too. I'll never forget what she said. "...Yusuf cried because aside from being his sister you're also his best friend. Ahlam do you know that one time you visited your aunt for the weekend Yusuf cried like a baby and he demanded we take him there. But your father talked him out of it. Honey  you were just gone for the weekend. But it was enough to break Yusuf. He's adored you his entire life. And you've been an amazing sister to him. But all this fighting should cease. You should apologize to your brother because I'm sure if I go somewhere right now Yusuf won't even shed a single tear. Think about it, Ahlam." That was two years ago.Yep, Yusuf was fifteen but he cried when he couldn't find me.

I remember that day when my aunt came to visit and stayed with us for a few days. She lived three towns over where her and mom grew up in. However, when she was going back she took me with her saying something about having a girl in the house for a change; all her kids are boys. Yusuf was already at school because he had an exam first thing in the morning and I was told instead I should go and pack. I never said goodbye to Yusuf. And I recall as I sat at the back of my aunt's car a few tears slipped because I knew was going to miss my favorite person in the world. 

My brother.

It was Yusuf coughing that brought me back from memory lane. He walked across the kitchen and I couldn't help but notice how pale he looked. Poor Yusuf. I'm an awful person who deserves all the pain and misery in the world. He's been sick and I haven't done anything to help or show him that I cared. But it's like the more I want to apologize the more stubborn I get. Lowering my head in shame and guilt I rose and left the kitchen. I'm so sorry bro. I thought.

It was almost dhuhr, so I made wudhu and prayed in my room. After reciting Surah Yaseen, I love this chapter, I felt much better. I made dua'a to Allah to make me a better person and also give shifaa' to Yusuf In shaa Allah and most importantly, to have mercy on us and guide the entire muslim ummah to the straight path. May He be pleased with our deeds on the day of judgment and may He grant us Jannah.

Putting the Quran away I removed the abaya and hijab I was wearing and curled up in a foetal position on the wooden floor. I have done some stupid things in my life. Made some mistakes and wronged others. Whether intentionally or unintentional. I'm not perfect, in fact I'm far from it. But out of all the things I've done, one takes the prize. Yes, my idea of love.

I got obsessed with someone I hadn't met yet. Obsessing over his likes and dislikes. Whether he thought of me ( Well his future wife) like I thought of him. He was constantly on my mind, consuming my every waking thought. I dreamt of our lives together. From being young and in love to growing old and frail together. I started toying with the idea of wearing niqab when I was twelve but but when I reached fourteen I took it more seriously. Wearing it to school and anytime I went outside. My mother was proud of me, what with her being a niqabi herself. Subhanallah, You know how we should do things with the intentions of pleasing our Creator?  Well this was not one of it. The sole reason I started covering was to 'save myself for my husband.' Ya Allah forgive me. I'm begging you for You're Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem. Subhanallah!  The stupid things I've done.

Thinking of how much time I wasted thinking about him is astonishing. The amount of time I spent daydreaming and visualizing about 'our' life is just plain pathetic. While I wasted time  pining over someone who was nonexistent, I forgot about something really vital. I was there  making my plans and Allah had His plans. And He is the best of planners. I lived like I had guarantee things would go my way. I didn't think about death. About Allah's plan for me. No one knows when they're going to leave this world. And I wasted glorious time thinking about nothing but the temporary amuse of this dunya.

But I was done. I sorted myself and got my priorities straight. I will seek Allah's forgiveness for as long as I live because I deeply regret what I did. I am done thinking about 'him' and starting to think about Him. I am humbly submitting myself to Allah.

They say time is of the essence and it was time I turned a new leaf.