Where Are You?

CHAPTER SIX~

   It has been weeks since that awful revelation but I still feel crushed and every bit worthless when I think about it. I know this might sound a little bit dramatic but my heart was broken that day. And it still hurts and the normal reaction on my part would be to cry the pain away or atleast ease it but I can't even do that. I feel so drained inside that I can't even do a simple thing like crying when am hurting so bad. I have never felt so weak and broken before.

Maybe they are correct, maybe there's something really wrong with me. A whole town can't be wrong. Well, whatever it is, they are right.

I took my Quran and started reading it. It always calms me down and puts my shattered heart at ease. The Quran is truly a miracle. After reciting the Holy Book for a while I noticed it was time for Asr prayers. I went to the bathroom to make wudhu and get ready for the salah. After praying I continued reading the Quran. But after half an hour of reading I decided on visiting Muna. I haven't seen her in a while and I also wanted someone to talk too. She's my best friend,I can confide in her. I trust her.

Opening my closet I took my black abaya, actually all my abayas are black, and a matching hijab. I looked at my reflection in the attached mirror. My skin was really pale with dark circles under my eyes. My cheeks were hollow and my eyes were glazed. I looked tired and old.

Old.

Now I know why Aishah always says we are in the same age set. Why the young men vowed to never ask my hand in marriage. Why would someone young waste his time one an old thing like me. Everything was crystal clear, I was old and I just had to accept it.

Was I even eighteen?

Wearing my clothes I looked at myself again, atleast I put on a nikkab when out in public. No one has to see this horrifying face. Without another glance I left my room. I entered the living room only to see my mother still on her praying mat reading the Quran. She was so engrossed in her reading that she didn't notice me. I quickly took my nikkab that was on the couch and went to the kitchen. I was contemplating on how to pass my mother again unnoticed when she entered the kitchen.

"Assalamu Aleikum Ahlam." Uh oh. I was kind of avoiding my mum. I feel really guilty but what am I suppose to tell her? Mum, guess what, you are stuck with me for life 'cause no one wants to marry me.They even swore,hooray! But am kinda depressed. No. Besides she'll hate me if she knew the truth; if she knew am never going anywhere. The people of this town will see to it that my mother turns against me. It was just a matter of time.

"Wa'aleikum salaam mother." I answered. I need to get out of here before she starts interrogating me. I don't think I can take it if my sweet mother sees me as a burden. I would die. Literally. The now familiar ache in my heart intensified and my eyes teared up.

This is not good.

All my pent up sadness from all those weeks was threatening to make an appearance and it was going to be an ugly mess. My throat constricted and my mother started to get blurry. I lowered my head blinking the stupid tears away. Taking a deep breath I tried to regulate my breathing.

"Honey look at me." But I don't want her to see me like this. She'll definitely know something is up.

What if I run out of the house?

No, that is rude.

So I lifted my eyes towards her face. Ya Allah, how I've missed my mother so much. Staring at her caring and love filled eyes, I realized how much I really love her. I pushed her away when she has been nothing but loving to me. That was not fair on her.

"Honey please talk to me,what is wrong?" Well that right there was the problem. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the train-wreck that was my life.

"Mom, I'm not going to say am okay because I'm not. I don't want to talk about it but when am ready I'll tell you everything." I choked the words out and she seemed shocked. I think she wasn't expecting me to say that.

"Just know I'm always here for you. No matter what." She said. I just nodded not knowing what to say. I was grateful she wasn't forcing me to tell her. Alhamdullilah.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"Actually, I wanted to visit Muna but I'm just going to call her." I was in no condition of going outside muchless to surprise my best friend.

"Alright honey." Mother smiled tenderly at me. I was about to leave the kitchen when she spoke again. "Ahlam, you are far more precious to me than all the diamonds in the world and am sure that whatever it is you're going through, is not worth your tears."

I couldn't control my tears after that. I flunged myself at my mother and cried my broken heart out. Every shattered piece. Her warm embrace made me cry even more. She was rubbing my back and whispering soothing words to me. I clunged to her to her even more because I felt really safe in her arms.

Like nothing could ever harm me or cause me pain.

The tears were increasing by the moment and there was nothing I could've done to stop it. I know my mom was taken aback by my behavior but she just held me closer with her hand moving in comforting circular motions on my back.

After a while the tears subsided but I didn't want to let go off my mom. Her close proximity made me feel better but the crying made me suddenly tired and sleepy. Yawning,I opened my swollen eyes only to realize mom was sitting on one of the dining chairs with me on her lap. I was about to stand up when she tightened her hold.

"Sit." She ordered.

The truth is I never wanted to leave this position forever. It was so comfortable so I sat back and placed my head on her shoulder. Yawning again I closed my eyes and enjoyed the comfortable silence between us. I was just listening to my mom's breathing which was like a lullaby, lolling me to sleep.

"Assalamu Ale…" A high pitched voice jolted me out of a much needed sleep. "Aw, is the baby sleepy? "

I turned only to find Yusuf grinning mischievously at me but then his expression turned serious again.

"Is everything okay?" He asked narrowing his eyes suspiciously."Hala, you okay?"

"Mind your own business." I snapped at him."And don't you ever call me that again."

Hala is Yusuf's nickname for me. Apparently he started calling me that when he was a baby and learning to talk and somehow that became my nickname.

Needless to say after saying that Yusuf seemed hurt and I felt guilty but instead of apologizing, I walked out of the kitchen glaring at him.