Breathe Again

Habit

I have this certain habit
Of admiring things from afar,
Of loving things beyond reach.
There's this kind of fascination
Of not getting what you want,
Of knowing you're almost there,
But not quite.

You know, it's true when they say
The less you knew, the better.
And the best feeling you'll ever know
Is that exact moment before it happens—
That moment before you sip your coffee,
That moment before the rain started to pour,
Or the moment before autumn turned to winter,
Even the moment before you tried that outfit
Because the moment it did, the magic disappeared.

Truth is, things don't always work out
the way you imagined it to be,
Or even the way you hoped it would be.
No matter how much you longed,
How much you wanted to feel something else,
The coffee will always burn your tongue,
You will always forget to bring your umbrella,
The winter will always ruin your warmth,
And that t shirt will never fit your style,
Because it was never meant to belong to you.

And that's why I loved waiting for you.
I loved being on the sidelines,
A mere spectator who anticipates your return.
I loved it when
I called and you never answered,
I waited and you never came,
I expected and you always disappoint.
Because it feels as if I'm wrapped inside my own bubble,
And the moment you answered the phone,
The bubble bursts,
And I'm left wondering what the hell am I doing.

It's a really bad habit
Of trying to reach for something,
But not really reaching for it
— A fiction.
Because waiting for you?
It is better than not waiting at all.

Up until now,
I anticipate the moment you return my call,
I longed for the bubble to burst,
Because the truth is,
The longer I wait,
The better I knew you,
The more I love you,
The less I really do.

——

March 4, 2020

8:09 pm