The Starr In Her Darkness

Chapter 5

I don't remember falling asleep last night, the last thing I remember was curling in to a ball and wrapping myself in the quilt.
As I open my eyes I realise one of them is swollen and I'm so sore, everywhere is sore. Hot tears leak from my eyes as last night flashes in my mind. I lay crying for a while and then sit up slowly and look at the time 8:30am atleast Jerry will be at work. I can leave. I feel a little flutter of excitement in my stomach. I'm leaving today. I take myself to the shower and do my best to wash away last night. I wipe the stream from the mirror and look at myself, I hardly recognise myself. My left eye is swollen, black and blue, my lips split and swollen abit too. I have red marks and bruising near enough all over my face. I have bruising on my upper arms too.
Dressed and ready to get out of here I take my suit case and head downstairs when I get to kitchen I suck in a shocked breath, Jerry is still here and he's not in work clothes. He looks at me and for a second I thought I saw sadness in his eyes but then as quickly as it was there it was gone again. Hes in front of me within seconds and takes my case from me, leans close and says "you won't be needing this, I told you last night. Your not leaving" why ain't he at work he's meant to be at work, how can I leave now. What am i going to to. I walk to the coffee machine and go about making my coffee, before I've even finished he's by my side turns me to face him looks me up and down before saying "Ive booked some time off work so I'm around untill you get that stupid idea of you leaving and a divorce out of your head" dread is all I feel, dread and fear. He's going to kill me I know it. I have no way out. I just sink to the kitchen floor and state at the wall.

It's dinner time, today has been a blur I can't remember much of what I did all day, but he hasn't touched me which is a surprise. He's barely spoke to me even. We eat in silence again. I clean up and head to bed. I lay awake for hours just staring at the ceiling.
Jerry came to bed at around midnight. I finally drift of to sleep sometime after 4.

I wake to the feeling of hands on me. Oh no, not again. "shh it's OK I'll be gentle this time, if you don't fight me" he whispers in my ear while kissing up my neck. "Jerry I'm still sore from what you did to me before, I.... I can't" he bites my neck and I yelp in pain he's holding my arms above my head and leaning into me breathing heavy. He struggles against me to take my trousers off. "please Jerry I don't want this, your hurting me" he has my trousers off and he's ready at my opening I squeeze my eyes shut and brace myself for what's to come.

I'm in the shower just standing there under the stream of hot water  watching the blood wash away. He was rougher this time and it went on for so long. My throat is sore from screaming and crying. I slowly sink to the floor of the shower. Is this my life now, trapped here with him, just using me whenever he wants. I want to cry but nothing happens, I'm all cried out. I have nothing left.
I wake to banging and shouting, I'm still in the shower I must have fallen asleep. "Amethyst.... Amethyst don't make me kick this door in" I try and whinch when I clear my throat to call back "I'll be out in a minute"
A few minutes and I'm washed and ready to get out I wrap a towel around me, unlock the door and get ready to face the monster that is my husband. He's sat on the bed scrolling thru his phone. Not even looking up when I walk in the room. I find some clothes to put on then leave the room again.

I'm sat in the garden, it's dark. I don't know how long I was sat out here for. I haven't eaten all day. My stomach rumbles at me but I feel too sick to eat. Jerry calls me from in the kitchen "Amethyst... Fuck sake Amethyst... Why don't you answer me. Get in here now" I walk slowly to where he is and just stand there waiting for him to tell me what it is he wants. "why haven't you made any dinner, wheres my dinner? What have you been doing?" I walk around the counter to the freezer grab a pizza and throw it in the oven. "be ready in 15 minutes" and I drag myself up to bed. I change into some pyjamas and climb into bed. Hoping sleep takes me quickly.

By 1.12am I am still awake, I've just been laying here not even really thinking about much just laying here, every now and then tears would fall from my eyes. And i turn over but I can't sleep. I hear Jerry make his way up the stairs and into the room I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.
I hear him strip his clothes and then feel the bed dip with his weight.
He pulls me close to him and then after what feels like hours, his breathing evens out and I think he's asleep, so I slowly move out of his hold and as far away from him as I can without falling off the bed. He doesn't even stir, he's always been a heavy sleeper.
And then it dawns on me, I'll leave during the night. I can text Axel and see if he will still help me, I said I would be in touch soon with a time and day to meet but I haven't. So that's it then, tomorrow I will try and find a way to get the message to Axel and pack a small bag and hide it till tomorrow night. Feeling slightly anxious but with a glimmer of hope I feel myself getting tired I welcome sleep, anything to be away from this hell.