Must Have Done Something Right / Scorbus

Chapter 36 / You Break My Heart, I'll Break Yours

November became December, and the chill that had Hogwarts in its icy grip, had its claws all over Albus too.
He hadn't spoken to Scorpius since the day of the Quidditch match three weeks ago, and the agony of that reality alone was eating him from the inside—leaving Albus an empty shell. He had ruined everything that night—the memory of Scorpius' justified anger towards him had crushed his soul. He had felt like the lowest scum; he couldn't believe he had made Scorpius loathe the sight of him. It made it all the more worse because Albus had lied.
He wasn't sorry for kissing Scorpius.
He hadn't been thinking about Mel.
She was the furthest thing from his mind the instant his mouth was against Scorpius', because all he could think about was Scorpius, and Scorpius alone.
Albus closed his eyes as he remembered that perfect moment, when he had thought that, finally, everything was going to be okay; everything would turn out fine, because he had Scorpius in his arms, who loved him more than he deserved, and Albus wasn't willing to ever let him go.
And then he remembered pulling away from the kiss and opening his eyes. Scorpius had looked at him with all the love he felt, and complete trust in Albus that things were finally going to go the way he wanted it.
And Albus had panicked.
Never in his life had there been a question of his sexuality; he knew he was straight. Yet he had just shared the most amazing kiss with a boy, and Albus was terrified. He didn't know what it meant, and he wasn't ready to face the changes of liking the kiss would mean.
Everything would change if he admitted it, and so much had already been altered in his life in just a few short months, Albus didn't think he could handle another one. He had been a coward, he knew that now. He hadn't known what to say, and when Scorpius had opened his mouth to curse him, Albus knew he had failed both Scorpius and himself. He felt wretched.
Scorpius had remained true to his parting wish of never seeing Albus. Three excruciating weeks had passed, and Scorpius had managed to evade him since. Not that Albus hadn't tried. He had lost count of the number of letters he'd written and the amount of sorry's he'd said, but Scorpius never relented. He had had enough of Albus. And Albus knew it was all his fault.
To Albus' unreserved and complete horror, the past three weeks had served to not only drive a wedge between them, but to also draw Eamon and Scorpius closer. It sent him into a frenzy of jealousy and fury. He couldn't stomach the thought of the two of them together. Once he caught them in the middle of a kiss, and Albus had nearly screamed. He had to physically restrain himself from qualifying Eamon to enter the Headless Hunt. Eamon had no right kissing Scorpius!
Albus gripped his wand tightly as the bitter memory resurfaced.
So lost in thoughts of revenge as he was, he didn't realise the presence of two other people until they were sitting on either side of him.
"Hey."
He swivelled his head left and right to find his brother and sister perched, sandwiching him, as the three of them sat in a frosted Hogwarts courtyard, shivering slightly as the chilly wind blew through the sandstone arches and into their midst.
James spoke first. "You had to pick the coldest part of Hogwarts to indulge your freaky emo obsession?"
Over Albus' shoulder, Lily glared irritably at James in a stare their mother would be proud of, but she said nothing. If Albus wasn't feeling so morose, he would have probably laughed with James ... or punched him; one or the other.
When silence reigned, James took it as another invitation to speak.
"You look like hell."
Lily huffed angrily. "James! Shut up."
"What? It's the truth."
"If you can't say anything helpful, don't say anything," she huffed. She then turned to Albus, and held him by his arm. Peering cautiously, she asked, "Are you alright?"
"James is right," he said. "I do look like crap." He hadn't slept properly since Scorpius had broken their friendship, and Albus would bet his wand arm there were bags under his eyes right now. He hadn't shaved; Sybil kept telling him it made him look "hot", but he didn't get rid of it because he couldn't bothered to, not because of some attempt to boost his attractiveness. He had kept personal hygiene to a minimum, and his hair looked atrocious. Eating had also become a chore rather than enjoyable, simply because Albus hated going to the Great Hall. He had frequented the kitchens more in the last three weeks than in his entire life at Hogwarts. He sighed. "I feel like crap too."
"Scorpius hasn't talked to you yet?"
Red sparks shot impulsively out of Albus' wand, as he held it tightly in his hand. Lily jumped. "He has no reason to. He's pissed as hell at me, and as far as I'm concerned, he has every right to be."
"Have you apologised?"
Albus stared hard at Lily. "Have I apologised?" he repeated
incredulously. "Yes, I've bloody well apologised! I apologise every day! But the extent to which I've screwed things up is not capable of being forgiven by a stupid five-letter word!"
"Mate, calm down," James said.
His wand vomited more red sparks as Albus exploded. "I can't calm down! I'm going insane! This whole situation is driving me mad. I've ruined everything. My best friend hates the sight of me; I'm too much of a coward to mention anything to my girlfriend, who's still trying to revive a relationship I pretty much think is next to dead; I'm battling things I've never dealt with before ... I just feel like everything is moving so quickly, and I can't make decisions fast enough to keep up!"
Unexpectedly, his face flushed warm and Albus was unable to stop the hot tears making his eyes glisten.
Lily put an arm around him. "Albus ..." she said, just as unsure as he was. "It's okay."
"No, it's actually not. I'm a wreck; I can't function like this ..." Tears began to fall, landing in big drops on the pinnacle of his bent knees. He gritted his teeth. "I just ... Merlin, I just miss him so much. I had no idea it would be like this; I had no idea it would hurt this much ..."
To his surprise, it was James that asked him the question he had been too scared to ask of himself. "Albus," he said, "do you have feelings for him?"
The question was blunt, as only James could make it, but sometimes straightforward was best. Albus should have been expecting it would all come to this question, but he wasn't ready. His breath caught. His answer determined the rest of his life.
"I can't answer that," he said truthfully in a broken voice. He still wasn't ready to admit anything. His head hung down, and he felt the cold slither beneath the collar of his shirt.
"Well ... do you love Mel?"
Albus brought his head back up as he thought about his answer. This, too, was a complicated issue. A blind person could see that their relationship was nothing like what it used to be. He used to be so in love with her—and her with him; but too much had happened since then, it made what they used to have an impossibility. They had both hurt each other, but for an incomprehensible reason, they had chosen to look beyond that and try to continue their shambles of a relationship.
In the last three weeks, Mel had tried harder to revive their love, because, Albus knew, he hadn't spent any time with Scorpius. She grasped her chance of Scorpius-free time tightly, and Albus felt suffocated.
"I don't think so; no," he said.
How could he, when every time he was with Mel, his mind was on Scorpius? Or every time she kissed him, his heart would remind him that nothing could ever compare to Scorpius' lips? Or, Albus shuddered, when she tried to coax him into having sex with her last week, he would tremble with fear and know in his heart or hearts that being intimate with her would feel incredibly wrong?
Scorpius had taken the forefront in his life. Everything fell short—even Mr Ipsworth's Quidditch offer had dimmed into the background. Scorpius was changing Albus, whether he could keep up with the speeding train that was his life, or not.
Lily gently said, "I know you're unsure of a few things right now, Albie. But if you're sure you no longer love Mel ... then don't you think there's something you need to do?"
Yes, he answered silently, already dreading that moment. He had no idea what Mel would do, or how she would react if he told he didn't love her anymore. I was right, he could imagine her saying, you really are a queer, just like him.
He didn't know that he was. Albus didn't like boys, he knew that for sure—he just had a strange affection and obsession with Scorpius. 'Gay' was not a label he was ready to wear. But he doubted anyone else would think that. As soon as he broke up with Mel, the Hogwarts rumour mill will proclaim him to be queer.
"Albus?" Lily prompted.
"If I break up with Mel, what will everyone think?" he said, speaking his thoughts aloud.
"Screw everyone," James said, sounding surprisingly vehement. "You don't love her, Al, you don't want to be with her. Even if you're not sure about Malfoy, that's no reason to keep Mel around as your weird pseudo-girlfriend."
Albus turned to look at James. "You don't like her much, do you?"
"No," was his frank answer. "Never have."
"Why haven't you said anything?"
James shrugged nonchalantly. "She made you happy, so I decided to keep my mouth shut. Difficult, though it was. And then she started to mess around with you and Malfoy this year, and I knew it wouldn't take you too long to catch on to the fact that your girlfriend's a bitch."
Albus made a snort-like sound in his throat. James never failed to leave him short on words.
"Honestly," Lily muttered. "I am trying to have a serious conversation here."
"Sorry, Lils," James said, not sounding it at all. "The truth just needed to be said."
Funnily enough, that last sentence was what made Albus' mind up for him. As if a puzzle piece had finally slid into place, he slowly stood up. "You're right. You're both right. She needs to know the truth, and I need to tell her now," he said, hardly believing what he was saying, and wondering where his decisive attitude was coming from. Maybe it was because he had spent too long beating about the bush, and delaying the inevitable? Maybe it was because his siblings' Gryffindor bravery had rubbed off on him a little? He could never have a relationship with Mel, not as long as it kept Scorpius away. The past three weeks proved to him that he could barely breathe without Scorpius next to him; he couldn't imagine not having Scorpius in his life, and Mel, whether she hated it or not, would have to hear it.
"What? Now, now?" James asked, stunned.
Albus picked up his bag. "Yes, now. I can't keep up the pretense any more than I can stand Scorpius not speaking to me. I need to set things straight."
"Or not," James sniggered under his breath.
It took Albus and Lily a few seconds to catch on. Lily sent him a scolding look, but Albus simply smirked. "You're not gonna let that one die are you?"
James laughed. "No way. It's perfect!"
If it was anyone else, Albus would probably have socked their arm, but from James, it was just natural behaviour. James had always been the jokester in their family, and Albus, after a good piece of advice from their dad when he was eight, had long since outgrown becoming angry at him for every petty comment he made; now he just rolled his eyes and learned to laugh.
He turned to leave, but stopped. "Hey guys ... thanks ... for everything," he said, genuinely glad for his brother and sister; his thoughts felt like they were in at least an organised mess now, rather than the scramble it was in earlier.
Lily smiled warmly at him, while James stuck a finger in his open mouth, in a parody of disgust. Albus had just enough time to shake his head at his brother's antics, before James said, "Get out of here before I spew. That was far too sappy for my health."
Albus caught a glimpse of Lily slapping the back of James' head ("Ow, you crazy woman!") before he turned and walked towards the Gryffindor Common Room. In truth, he really had no idea where Mel would be right now; he supposed Gryffindor Tower would be a good place to start.
The Fat Lady was there to greet him when he arrived. She was as unpleasant and uninviting as ever, and Albus' nerves, which had been slowly building with every step closer to the Tower, got the better of him.
"Look, just let me in, you good for nothing portrait!"
She looked appalled. "Why you little Sly—"
"Yes, yes I know. I'm a Slytherin and therefore, the lowest form of life, but you could spare me the dramatics and let me into the bloody Common Room." Albus was fully aware than his behaviour was the quickest way to get booted out of the Common Room, but he was nervous and angry and about to make a life-changing decision, and some stupid painting was not about to stop him.
The Fat Lady glared at him like he was a parasite. "I have never heard such insolen—"
Her sentence broke off as her portrait
swung inward, and a small first-year
appeared in the doorway, her hands
laden with books. She took one look at
Albus, squeaked, and hurried away.
Albus didn't think twice and sprinted
for the entrance before The Fat Lady
swung close. Her angry shrill screams
followed him as he entered, but were
gratefully silenced as the entrance was blocked.
Silence greeted him as a room full of Gryffindor stared at him, all wondering why a crazy Slytherin was barging into their den, but Albus' eye immediately found Mel and he ignored everyone else.
"Albus?" she asked, perplexed. She quickly smiled at him. "What are you doing here?"
He crossed the crimson room toward her. "Can we talk?" he asked frantically, not bothering with a hello.
She looked confused. "Sure ... why don't we head up to my room?" She sent him a suggestive look. "There's no one there right now."
Albus' stomach jerked unpleasantly at her tone, but followed her up the staircase anyway. They needed to be alone for this; he didn't want everyone else to hear. His mind was desperately trying to conjure up different ways to begin their inevitable conversation, while his heart thumped loudly in his chest.
When they entered, she closed the door after them, giving them the privacy she promised.
"Mel ... we need to talk," Albus announced, still unsure how he would proceed past this point.
Mel smirked, and moved towards him; every step had Albus' muscles spasming in trepidation. "Surely we didn't come up all this way to talk, Albus," she said. Her voice sent unpleasant shivers through Albus. "Surely we're here to do ... other things."
Sweet Merlin, she wants sex.
Albus' eyes bulged as his mouth began to feel like someone had just poured Skele-Grow down his throat. Mel had begun to unbutton her shirt, right in front of Albus. His stomach flipped. Didn't she see that he was not turned on? "Mel, no, I'm serious. I'm here to talk."
She stopped and looked up at him. "Fine," she agreed. Then, with a predatory grin she asked, "Talk, then sex?"
Albus ignored her, closed his eyes, took a breath, and dived into the deep end.
"I want to break up with you."

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Next Chapter: Albus and Scorpius meet for the first time since the kiss. Oh, and Eamon happens to be there too.