Must Have Done Something Right / Scorbus

Chapter 38 / What Hurts the Most

Scorpius was indignant. His feelings were in a state of haywire. How dare Albus waltz right up and start yelling at him! The nerve of him! Just because things weren't going the way he wanted them to, didn't give him the right to barge in and start making stupid assumptions and accusations. Scorpius almost wanted to find him and start giving him a piece of his own mind. And Eamon too! Both of them needed to get off their high horses and start to see things from his perspective.
Shooing Albus away seemed to be the confidence boost Eamon was looking for, but Scorpius was having none of it, and offered the Ravenclaw his cold shoulder.
"Scorp, come on! Don't get mad at me because Potter's an arsehole—" Eamon complained ten minutes after Albus had left.
Scorpius whipped around and stared at him. "No, I'm mad at you because you're an arsehole!"
Eamon looked affronted. "What did I do?"
This incensed Scorpius. "It doesn't take Wandless Magic to know that I obviously am not as comfortable in this relationship as you are. You're fine with it! I'm new to it! So I would really, really, appreciate if you stopped rubbing it not only in my face, but in others' as well!" he exploded.
"You just don't want Albus to know we're together!" Eamon accused.
"Albus knows we're together. Everyone does! You made sure of that!"
"So what's the big deal?"
"Me!" Scorpius cried out. "Me, Eamon! I'm not comfortable with it; I'm not okay with it being made public. I don't want you to tell everyone. There are two of us in this relationship and you need to respect that I'm not as ready for it all as you are. And you telling Albus that I'm your boyfriend and that I want to be kissed by you, is not respecting me!"
"So you don't want to be kissed by me?"
"ARGH! I can't talk to you right now!"
Scorpius stormed out of the study hall, ignoring his massive Ravenclaw shadow all the way to the Slytherin Common Room, where he promptly slammed the door shut, telling Eamon he needed some time alone.
Time alone, however, was not what he found in his dormitory.
Albus was sitting on his bed with his Nova in his hand, angrily polishing the tip of the broom so that the end cleanly glinted in the hazy lighting of the sky at dusk pouring in the window. He looked up, stunned, when the door opened.
From one problem to the next, Scorpius mused tetchibly.
Clearly, neither of them was expecting the other to be there. Scorpius had thought Albus would be letting off steam elsewhere in the castle, probably the Quidditch pitch, but certainly not in their room. From the looks of it, he was taking out his frustrations on the handle of his broom, gripped tight as it was in his clenched fist.
Eventually, Albus broke their deadlock. "What are you doing here?" The question was genuine, not spiteful. But Scorpius noticed the small note of defensiveness in his voice that a casual observer wouldn't have.
He took his time in answering; all too aware that neither he nor Albus knew where they stood in relation to each other. They weren't friends, not anymore, but their past friendship was blaring loudly in the room with them, begging for the attention it had been starved of for three weeks. Scorpius wasn't willing to bring it up, though. He didn't think he was ready.
"Finished my study session with Eamon", was his brief answer that was totally devoid of any mention of Eamon. He knew that Albus knew it was a lie.
Scorpius wanted to leave the room; he didn't want to talk to Albus right now. His emotions were still as conflicting as ever—they hadn't ceased hounding him since the second he left their dormitory after their kiss. Unable to help himself, he glanced over to his bed and could almost picture the scene three weeks ago, when Albus had pressed his mouth against his. It had been euphoric but, try as he might, the memory wouldn't fade. He could still taste and feel Albus against him. Telling Albus he never wanted to see him again had been just as cruel to himself as Albus. But in order to forget Albus once and for all, it had to have been done.
Only, he hadn't forgotten.
And neither, it seemed, had Albus.
"I'm sorry for what I did in the study hall just then, but Merlin, Scorpius, when are we gonna talk?"
Scorpius stared at Albus. He had changed. He looked tired and unhappy. And his eyes weren't alive at all, but shadowed by the darkness that accompanied sleep deprivation. The lower half of his face was tinged darker by facial hair he hadn't been bothered to shave. His neck was hunched forward, sitting on top of a pair of exhausted and slack shoulders, as if a Dementor had sucked all the energy and life out of him.
It was as if Albus had simply given up, and Scorpius decided he hated seeing him like that. It was wrong. It didn't suit him—proud, strong, capable Albus.
"Are you okay?" Scorpius asked, despite telling himself moments ago that he didn't want to start a conversation with him.
It was obvious Albus hadn't been expecting Scorpius to ask that, but he answered nevertheless, with a small cheerless grin on his sunken face. "Define okay."
"You look tired," Scorpius said by way of answer, observing the tiny red blood lines making tracks all over Albus' eyes.
As if conscious that he was under Scorpius' scrutiny, Albus reached up and rubbed his eyes harshly before sliding the hand back through his chaotic hair. "Haven't slept much."
Scorpius knew he shouldn't be prying much further into the issue that this, but he couldn't deny the part of him that longed to help Albus. He was still an arsehole, but a suffering one nonetheless, and if Scorpius dug deep enough into his soul, he would admit that Albus Potter still held a place in his heart, despite everything. "Why not?"
Albus gave him a look that said he already should know the answer. He had guessed it had to do with the kiss, but this just confirmed it. Why this made his heart beat faster, Scorpius was too scared to know.
"You should sleep, Albus. It's no use killing yourself over ..." Scorpius trailed off before realising that he had, inadvertently, brought up the very topic he had sworn to forget. Both of them knew his sentence should end in, 'the kiss.'
Albus snorted. "It would make a hell of a lot of people happier if I did," he murmured darkly, looking down at his broom and mindlessly running his hand over the polished wood, as if considering what the best way to off himself would be.
Scorpius crossed his eyebrows angrily—where was all this coming from? This was not Albus at all. The boy who was his friend would never, so casually, say something like that. Looking at him now, Scorpius couldn't understand how he had change in such a short time, and if he was frank, he was a little frightened. "What's going on with you?"
Albus laughed coarsely and the sound sent icy chills all over Scorpius. There was no joy in it; and he sounded utterly hopeless. "Why would you even care? Ten minutes ago, you didn't care."
This got a rise in Scorpius and he instantly felt angry at Albus again. Unable to stop his retort, he snapped, "Three weeks ago, neither did you!"
Albus shut his mouth and his face went blank, and Scorpius knew he made Albus feel bad. Well, good! Now that the topic floodgates were opened, Scorpius was determined to make sure Albus felt the guilt. It was possibly not the wisest can of worms to open, Scorpius could admit, but hearing Mel's name seconds after their kiss was akin to having his heart ripped out, and Albus had hell to pay. Three weeks wasn't enough time for his anger to abate, and Scorpius now was just waiting to hear what sorry excuse Albus had made up to defend himself.
But when Albus looked up, his eyes were wet; and when he spoke, there was no excuse.
"Three weeks ago I made a mistake."
The green in his eyes, shining with tears, affected Scorpius far more than it should have, and every frustrated response shrivelled in his throat. Albus had apologised to him over and over again, and Scorpius had always brushed his pathetic sorry's off. But the pain on his face right now spoke of the deepest and sincerest regret, and Scorpius was compelled to believe that Albus knew he had made a mistake.
"Then why'd you do it?" he implored, wanting an answer to question that had turned over too many times in his mind. Why had Albus said the name of the one person that could tear them apart?
Albus took an eternity to answer him, but Scorpius waited and watched, knowing that a million different things were crowding Albus' head. He may not know what Albus was thinking, but he knew he was striving to find an answer, and Scorpius intuitively knew that whatever would come out of Albus' mouth would be the truth. He trusted that Albus wouldn't lie.
Albus wiped his eyes harshly and sniffled. Dipping his eyebrows together, he averted his eyes and answered, "Because I was scared."
Scorpius opened his mouth to prod further, but Albus beat him to it. With his tears increasing suddenly, he continued in a shaky voice, "Because I knew you loved me, and because I had just kissed you, and because ... contrary to what I said ... I wasn't thinking of Mel at all."
Scorpius, finding it suddenly difficult to breathe, stared at Albus; at the tears that were unravelling him in a way that made Scorpius feel like he was looking at Albus for the first time. He didn't—or rather, wouldn't—try to guess where Albus was going with his train of thought, lest it break his heart once more, but that didn't stop his breath from hitching and his muscles to tense in anticipation of something unexpected.
Albus lowered his Nova on to the bed, leant his elbow on his knees and balanced his head onto his palms. Scorpius saw his fingers delve into his black hair and push hard against his skull so that all his arm muscles tightened, while his eyes squeezed shut. He looked like he was in immense pain; either that, or he was about to do or say something that was unprecedented. Scorpius subconsciously held his breath, and whether he had planned to or not, stepped closer.
Bent over on the edge of his bed, Albus' body shuddered visibly, before he finally stood up and faced Scorpius head on. His face was streaked in tears and his skin was flushed, but what robbed Scorpius of all breath was the look in Albus' eyes: even broken and torn apart, Albus was looking at him like Scorpius was his only lifeline and he was drowning. As if Scorpius alone could save him; his only redemption.
"I broke up with her."
Albus' words didn't fully register for a few seconds. When they did, time seemed to slow down and the air around them became thinner.
"What ...?" Scorpius whispered, his breath wavering in disbelief and shock. He blinked twice in an attempt to reign in the moment and understand the weight of Albus' words.
Albus never broke eye contact, even when the tears kept falling. "I don't love her anymore," he said.
When his mind caught up to speed of Albus' announcement, one by one, questions raced around in his head, making him feel extremely light-headed. When had this happened? Albus and Mel had just had three weeks of Scorpius-free bliss! When did Albus decide he no longer loved her? How did it happen? Why did he suddenly change his mind? Did Mel still love him?
Scorpius desperately wanted to pose each question, but his mouth wasn't cooperating. His heart, on the other hand, was thumping crazily in his chest.
Albus took a deep breath. "I know how it must have seemed to you ... three weeks ago when we ki—" He paused, and closed his eyes briefly. Scorpius saw a few more tears escape. "I know you think it was just some kind of experiment; that I was using you, but ... honest to god, Scorpius, I would never hurt you like that—"
"But you did."
Scorpius was torn. Half of him was filled with hope and happiness; the half that wanted to forget the past and rebuild what they had broken immediately. The other half was furious at Albus, because no matter what he said, he had been dating Mel when they kissed, and even though he was slightly drunk, Scorpius just knew that Albus treated the kiss as a test run for his own curiosity.
Albus swallowed. "Scorp, you know I didn't mean—"
"Do I? Albus, it doesn't matter which excuses you decide to tell me, or how much stupid alcohol you had drunk, or how good your intentions were. What matters is that there is nothing you can do to change what you did. Nothing can make it better." Scorpius gritted his teeth painfully. "You knew I loved you, Albus. So why would you kiss me when you didn't mean it?"
He couldn't bear to look at Albus' distraught face. In anger he turned and faced the door, willing himself to leave.
"I did mean it—"
Scorpius spun back around to face him. "No, don't say you meant it." He shook his head. "Don't lie to me."
Albus' mouth opened in astonishment. "I'm not lying! I wouldn't lie about this!" He exhaled a large breath suddenly and his eyes darted around the room rapidly. "You want to know why I said Mel's name? Because I was terrified, Scorpius. This is freaking me out. I'm sorry I said her name, but I'm not sorry I kissed you. I have no idea what's going on! I don't know what this is! And I'm hanging on by my fingertips hoping to god I haven't screwed things up forever." He grasped tightly onto his hair and stared at Scorpius wildly, not bothering to wipe his face. "I've just spent three weeks without you and that's about all I can take. I hate that I messed up; I hate that I drove you away. But you can't stay away from me, Scorpius; you can't hate me because I can't stand it! You—you drive me crazy, and I can't ... Merlin, I can't do this anymore ..."
Albus collapsed in shuddering sobs and dropped back down onto the bed, looking physically and emotionally exhausted beyond belief; as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders.
"I don't know what's happening," Albus whispered, his voice strained as he wept.
Scorpius didn't know either. But he knew he couldn't stay. After what Albus said and now watching Albus crumble under the enormity of his situation, he wasn't in the right frame of mind to reply. There were so many unanswered questions, but neither Scorpius nor Albus was ready for them.
"I need to go."
It was cowardly; he knew was running from confrontation, but he made his escape while Albus' head was buried in his hands, closing the door behind him.

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Next Chapter: Albus hits rock bottom. But now, the only way to go is up.