Love, Kookie

Letter # 14

Cheese,

Every letter has led up to this one. This is the last one. Well, kind of. You'll see what I mean. There's one after this, but I'll have to give that to you in person next week. Can you believe it? It'll only be a week longer after you get this letter. I'll keep this short then, because there's always so much to tell and I'll be able to hear your voice again, and tell you in person.

There are, however, some things I need to say. First, as always, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I miss you, of course. Second, I've kept our promise. No giving up. And third, please answer the question. Please.

Love, Kook"

This letter has always infuriated me. I never understood what he meant. Never got to see the real last letter. Never heard his songs for me. Never knew what he meant when he told me to answer the question.

And today, on April 17th, exactly one year after he left me, I throw the letter to the ground and begin to stomp on it. I'm so angry with the world that I yank the whole drawer out of the desk and dump all of his letters on the floor, stomping away. Once they're all crinkled, I fall to the floor and sob. Harder than I ever have before. Harder than I did on that day a year ago when Jimin had come to my house and found me on the verge of dehydration.

"Lana? Holy crap, what happened?" Jimin rushes into my room and holds me. In anger, I push him away.

"This." I hold up Jungkook's last letter. "I don't know what it means. And I never will. Why, Jimin? Why did he have to leave me?"

"Shhhh, shhhhh. Let me see."

I hand it over and he eyes it before handing me a different sheet of paper.

"What's this?" I ask.

"A letter. From J-Hope."

I spread it on the floor and begin reading.

"Hi Lana,

I'm so sorry about what happened. I wish I could've written as soon as I'd heard, but I couldn't access your address until I was discharged. I sent with this letter some of Jungkook's things, like the song he wrote for you about a week before we got drunk. It's really sad, but I thought you'd still want to have it. He started another song, too, that I helped him with. I sent you the lyrics to that as well. As for Jungkook's big plan with the letters, I'm as clueless as you are. He told me a little bit about it, and mentioned something about the final letter being a question? Or a question mark? I don't know, maybe you'll know what that means. I remember he was so excited when he put it in his pocket before he left. I know this can't be easy for you, but Jungkook told me that you're very strong, so I can only pray that he's right, and just remember that you can always write back to me if you need a friend.

Best wishes, J-Hope"

"W-where are the songs?" I ask through now silent tears.

Jimin pulls out a box and sets it in front of me. Inside are two sheets of paper and the picture of me he had taped to the ceiling of his bunk. I smooth out the top sheet. The song is titled "Paper Hearts"

I cry harder when I read the lyrics. This paper is wrinkled with his tears for sure. And now, mine. When Jimin tries again to comfort me, I don't have the strength to push him away.

"J-Jimin." I croak. "It's not f-fair. Why'd the universe have to take him from me? I- I can't breathe. I–"

"Lana, breathe with me." He says through his own tears. Why do I have to make him cry so much? He takes a deep breath and I try to do the same, but it comes out shaky and I start hyperventilating again.

"I can hear the sea from far away. Crossing the dream over the bush. Go to the place that becomes clear. Take my hands now. You are the cause of my euphoria" he starts reciting something.

"What?" I look up and see that he's reading the other paper. "What is that?"

He looks up, wet eyes and the saddest smile. "The happy song. Don't focus on the bad, Lana. He was so happy. You made him happy."

"What about the last letter?" I ask, hopeful.

"I'm sorry, Lana. I don't know."

I sigh and grab J-Hope's letter again. "He was so excited when he put it in his pocket before he left."

"Oh my god his pocket." I get up and go to the closet.

"Huh?"

"I have the jacket. The one he was wearing that day. I buried it back here because it smells like him and I kept crying." I find the jacket in the back, stuck behind my clothes. I check the pockets. "What? There's nothing in here. There's nothing–" I check the secret inside pocket, the one I had always forgotten about. My fingers tighten around a small folded paper. "Jimin, it's here."

"Do you want me to go?"

"No, stay. Please. I think I'm gonna need you." I say, sitting down to unfold the paper. It's hardly a letter.

"Dear Cheese

?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Love, Kookie"

"What?" Is all I can say as I stare at the puzzle in front of me.

"Lana..." Jimin starts cautiously as he picks up one of the letters scattered on the floor. "How many letters are there?"

"... fourteen." I watch as he starts to line them up in groups like Jungkook put them. "I don't... what is this?" I wonder out loud.

"Lana oh my god." Jimin covers his mouth, and places the last letter at the end.

"What? I don't–" then I see it. The first letter of every page spells something out. Slowly, I read what it says.

"W I L L Y O U M A R R Y M E ?"