Wishing for Oblivion

You Knew - Chapter 8

Author's Note:

Double update as promised! 

Again, you guys don't have to but it'd be great if you could post reviews just so I can get a feel for if you guys are liking the story or not. It really makes me wanna post faster!

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After reassuring Monty that it wasn't his fault, I decided to take a walk to clear my head. I had to get some sleep. At the rate I was going, I was gonna start feeling delirious soon. Walking past an unfinished part of the wall I noticed a familiar figure standing on guard.

"Hey."

Bellamy turned around quickly with his knife at the ready. I slowly put my one hand up, the other still resting in a sling.

"It's just me."

I waited for him to visibly relax before I sat down against a tree next to him. Again I waited a few minutes, letting the silence surround us both, before speaking.

"I heard about what happened... with Charlotte-"

"It was my fault."

My eyes snapped to his. His usually stormy brown ones that challenged everyone. The ones that were usually just glaring. But they weren't glaring right now. No, they were swirling. Immediately any ounce of anger I had towards him dissipated. I remembered the look on his face when he comforted Charlotte after she'd woken up from the nightmare. And what he said afterwards, that she had reminded him of Octavia... and a little of himself. And now he was going through memories and scenarios in his head. It was a scene I was all too familiar with myself.

Right now he looked at me as if to dare me to say that it wasn't his fault. And I knew that, even though I believed that to be the truth, he wouldn't believe it. Instead, I looked away from him and swallowed the lump in my throat before speaking the words I thought I'd never say.

"When I was 15... I... killed someone."

My voice was surprisingly steady even though I had never spoken the words aloud.

"I lived alone. My mom died when I was born and my dad never came home from work one day. It was around the time that the maintenance breach happened in the first agriculture unit."

I looked up to the sky. The stars were much more faded, yet they looked so much more real than looking outside of a window in the Ark.

"I kept to myself. No one ever asked me about my parents, so I never told anyone either. I thought everyone just simply overlooked me. Then one day, a guard followed me back to my pod. Cornered me inside... and..."

I paused to push the memories from the surface, "He attacked me and tried to..."

I couldn't bring myself to say the word but Bellamy's slight intake of breath indicated that he knew what I meant.

"He said that no one would even miss me, which was true. But when he pushed me to the ground, all I could see was this knife that fell from his belt. Before I even knew it, I took it. And... I stabbed him. I remember thinking he deserved it. That he deserved to die. And when they found me, I was still holding onto the knife while he just laid there, bleeding out."

I pulled a blade of grass out of the ground and ran it through my fingers. I could feel the memory begin to creep to the surface but I continued.

"I was thrown in jail because even though he had attacked me, I had used lethal force. Really I think they were just embarrassed that one of their high ranking officers would do something like that so they put me in solitary. But when I turned 18 I found out they didn't want to kill me because my... condition... was valuable."