Suffocating Silence | Kiribaku

Numb / Bakugou

TW
Self Harm

Yesterday started on a high note, Kiri and I were out most of the day. He seemed to like the Jeep. I'm so glad someone has the chance to enjoy it as much as I did.

We spent the night sitting on the couch, Eijirou let me sit close beside him even though his Mom was in the room. At some point I think she asked if we were dating because I felt him tense up beside me, and then he laughed. Or at least I think he was laughing.

Everything seemed fine.. until the piercing quiet kept reminding me of the obvious. This was going to drive me crazy, I could already tell.

My eyes were trained on the floor almost the whole time. Until Kirishima adjusted himself to partially lie down.. meaning I was practically on top of him. I felt a blush burn on my cheeks.

After a while I decide to try close my eyes and drift off. Then it hits me.. it's one of those feelings like when your climbing to the top of a roller coaster and you know something bad is about to happen. Then the cart pulls over the top of the track, and the descent begins.. my heart is in my stomach and I feel empty inside.

I feel more than worthless at the moment, and I know one of my spells is going to start. I figured eventually, but already?! I don't want to tell anyone. Not my Mom, his Mom, not my Dad, not even the boy I love. Nobody needs to know what happens when I lock myself away.

Then we go to bed, meaning I go to his bedroom again. Everything feels so off. My mind wanders to every room in the house, leaving my body to feel lost in this one.

Perhaps Kirishima would notice, if only I hadn't gotten so good at faking my feelings. Although my love, or whatever is it, for him isn't fake. I know how to fake so many other emotions. Being alright, sitting at the top of that list.

We both get into the bed, and then under the covers. He catches my attention and signs. Goodnight, sleep well. Wake me up if you need anything at all.

Ok, goodnight.

With that I turn over and face the wall opposite of him. Something in my mind wants him to.. is it too soon? Eh, I already held him last night. But I'm not just going to ask.

I struggle to fall asleep for a while, but after I fidget enough times I feel an arm wrap gently around my waist. Kirishima pulls me closer to him, and I can't help but feel more secure.

Soon enough I'm able to fall asleep, and I know I'll stay that way. At least until 12.

The nightmare wasn't as bad this time. Kirishima wasn't dead when I found him, but instead he just stood up and walked away from me.

Don't leave me. Please.

After I woke up my mind was echoing terrible things within itself, the worthlessness resonating like an overplayed song.

Numb.

Numb.

Numb.

The quiet is driving me crazy. It makes me feel inhuman. I need some sort of proof of my humanity.

Then it hits me, and I remember one of my older coping mechanisms.

Blood.

I get out of the bed, not letting myself look at the boy I know is on the other side. Don't think about him. You already know what he would say.. or would he even care? Of course he would, but I can't bother to wake him. I know.. I know what he said.

I know where his spare razors are. I sneak down the hallway to the bathroom, and quietly enter. Gently closing the door behind me, while lying my back against the door. I slide down into the floor and lean over to the drawer on the right.

After I get the razor out I disassemble one of them, and them take one the blades into my trembling hand.

I trace line after line on my wrists. I don't care if it's obvious. I don't care. I don't care.

Then once I'm satisfied, I clean up and chuck the razor into the bin.

When I get back to Kiri's room, I look for the hoodie I wore the night before and slip it on.

Once I'm in the bed I don't even notice that his arm is back around me almost immediately.

Not dazed me might've realized that this meant he was probably awake, but he had no idea what I had just done. And I have no intention of snitching on myself.

A/N
I apologize if this is super triggering for anyone. I did put a warning, so I hope that that helped. Anyway, again, thank you so so much for reading. Ily guys, the support I get on this book is absolutely insane.