Wandering Heart | YoonJinKook ✔️

12. Angry Truth

Seokjin's Pov:

I was surprised to find myself in bed when I woke up. Jungkook was sitting on the sofa looking at me.

"You are up?" as soon as I hear his voice, I close my eyes and lay back onto the bed, covering my face with the blanket.

"Seokjin?" he calls my name, but I ignored him. My head was feeling very heavy, but my body felt so emptying. I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everything from earlier kept flashing back in my head, his words, those hurtful words, he admitted it, he ruined us.

"Jin, how are you feeling? Do you want to go to the doctor?" I didn't know when he had moved from the sofa, but as soon as I felt his hand touched me, everything became still around me.

"Seokjin?" he calls my name again, but I try my best to tune him out. I didn't want him around me right now; I just wanted to be alone.

He pulls the blanket from me and sat up on the bed and glared at him, "why are you doing this to me? haven't you done enough?"

Jungkook chuckles and throws his head back, "real classic, so now you are going to blame this all on me? Can we for once be a normal couple and talk?"

"Please, for once, do me a favor and go. I don't want to talk about this, and I don't want to see you either." I put my head down onto the pillow and turn my back to him.

"Wow! Real mature, here you go again, avoiding things that should matter. But I guess that's what happens when you marry a child. Our daughter died; you ignored that. Now, it's out in the open that I cheated, and you want to ignore that too?"

I sat up on the bed and turned to face him, "you are an asshole, I hate you!" I screamed at him.

"Yes, finally! Tell me what you think, tell me things you harbor in your mind about me, about our marriage, for once, let's talk. Stop pretending with me, stop acting as if our fucking marriage is perfect because you know damn well it isn't. I bet you knew from the very first day I started cheating, but you ignored it-

"Shut up! I hate you; I hate you so fucking much! I regret the day I got married to you. I wish I never got pregnant for you; I shouldn't have told you. I lost my father because of you. I feel stuck, so fucking stuck. Every fucking time all you do is make excuses and excuses and fill my life with lies. It hurt me so much that we lost our daughter, but I think it was for the best, because what child should have a father like you! You are always crying about us losing her; you should be thankful."

My eyes widen in realization at what I had just spoken. Jungkook face was pale, and he stood still in front of me. "J-jungkook I-"

"N-never in a million years would I have expected to hear something like this from you. I guess it's good to know how you think after all these years finally." Jungkook wiped the tears that welled in his eyes and walked out of the room.

I wanted to run after him, but I couldn't move. I couldn't believe I had said that to him.

*****

Jungkook's Pov:

"I feel stuck, so fucking stuck."

"What child should have a father like you! You are always crying about us losing her; you should be thankful."

"I lost my father because of you."

"I hate you so fucking much."

"I wish I never got pregnant for you."

"I lost my father because of you."

As I sat in the bar and drank, these were everything that kept coming back to mind. Since the day I met Seokjin, he always had been calm, quiet, not someone who fusses or cared about what I had versus what I didn't.

The first time I saw him cry was when he found he was pregnant; he was confused, and so was I. We weren't exactly in a stable relationship, but I had grown to care about him. I knew I didn't want him aborting our child, so I did the right thing and told him I would be there for him.

We got married, he was young when we did, and I felt guilty for it as if I had taken away a part of his life from him. I gave him everything I could when our son was born; it was the happiest moment of my life. I felt like our life was complete. I had grown to love Jin; he was a fantastic person, inside and out. He took on parenting and being a husband well.

He never complained; he stayed home, kept up with things on his own; even when I would offer help, he would reject it. I learned early on that he was an introvert, but I was the opposite. That's something I knew before we got married, but I thought with me as his husband, he would open up, but he never did.

It wasn't a deal-breaker in our marriage until his father died, and two weeks later, he lost our daughter. He was five months pregnant. The doctor said it was due to him being too stress, which as unfortunate as it was I understood. He was going through a lot; I had never lost a parent, so I couldn't relate to the pain of his father, and I couldn't grieve with him on that because, as a parent, I was grieving over the loss of our daughter. But, it was hard to mourn her loss.

Jin and I had planned on having another child; it wasn't by accident; it was something we planned. I was looking forward to us having another child, and just like that, she was taken away from us.

Jin went into depression; he wouldn't talk or eat unless I forced him to. Our son became secondary. I had to step up and do everything, and I didn't mind because I wanted my husband back, I wanted to allow him time to heal from the passing of his father and our daughter. I found a grief counselor for us, but Jin refused, he kept telling me he was okay, yet every time I tried to get us to talk about our loss, he would shut down, or avoid the topic.

I started grief counseling on my own because I needed it, and it was there, I met John. We met in a group session, he was grieving the loss of his brother who had died of cancer, and we started talking about our pain, and before I know it, one thing led to another.

We kept on for two years on and off, until recently before Jin's and I anniversary, I ended things telling him I wanted to work on my marriage.

I have a lot of regrets for what I had done to Jin, but I was also angry with him, but not the angry that made me want to get a divorce because even after everything I love him and I knew somehow, we could make it work, until today, after today I am not sure if there is anything left between us.

*****

A/N: I can tell you when I was younger, I was known for holding things in, afraid to speak. Until it got too much, then I would explode, and one thing I can tell you it was never good when I exploded. I ended up hurting a lot of people even though I was hurt because of their actions towards me; I learned that if I had been honest and real with my emotions, I could've avoided causing unnecessary pain.

I stayed pretty much like that until I started college, and I had something transformational happen in my life, which brought me the courage to have a voice and be honest, open, and vulnerable with my feelings. I realize I gained more when I started being honest, and I also was able to get rid of people who weren't meant to be in my life. I started enjoying life more too. And honestly, I am thankful that I had such a moment to wake me up because I doubt I would have the life or  the people around me that I do now.

Now, as an adult, I speak my mind, honestly, and respectfully. I am aware of other people's emotions and feelings. I find it okay to be vulnerable, and have strong communication, especially with those whom you love, or you are close with. It strengthens your relationship, and it reinforces not only the love you have for that person but also the trust. Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit of personal stuff that correlates to this chapter. As I said, I will do a wrap up at the end of this book. I hope you are enjoying it, and it's challenging your thought process somewhat.