The Sorrow that Happens

Step by Step

Clara's Pov

My heart is thundering so loud in my chest that I am sure Lee can hear the pounding. Stunned by the bluntness of his question, I gawk at his brazenness, not sure what to say. I lay my hand over my chest, hoping to try to put a blockade between my pounding heart and Lee. Closing my eyes, I try to get my bearings about me. Lee lets me sit this way, not pushing me to proceed before I am ready. For this, I am grateful because I am not sure how to have this conversation.

How does one have a conversation that they have only read in books? I have never had a discussion like this one before. I am not familiar with how to wield words about kissing and companionship. Main leads in books make it look so easy, but I am feeling anything but at ease at this moment.

Two things happened simultaneously: Lee grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and Bean moved from his place at my left side to my lap. Bean moves this way and that, trying to get comfort, finally settling on perching himself on my lap. Both these small movements bring reassurance to my racing heart and mind.

Taking a deep breath, forcing air into my lungs, releasing it slowly, I open my eyes, really looking at Lee. This man is handsome. He is not as tall as the other three, but I am always aware of his presence nonetheless. He is the only one in the group that wears glasses. Solid looking black frames rest upon his straight nose, blocking one's view of his delectable brown eyes. Every time I look into his eyes, I remember a warm chocolate cake -- so rich and sweet that you can't help getting seconds and can never have enough. His soft, light brown skin looks like silk. I want to move my hesitant hand up his check and caress it but I hold back. His black raven hair, much like my own, is unruly at this moment almost making me giggle. As I look into his face, I see his eyebrows are scrunched together in the middle. Not sure why but not liking it, I move my fingers to him, smoothing the area, trying to push the worry away. This time it was Lee who closes his eyes, moving his forehead into my hand. Adding more pressure into my touch. He grabs my wrist with his hand, pushing it aside, then he leaned into me, placing a soft kiss onto my forehead. Just as quickly as his lips are there, they are gone. Replaced with his forehead, resting it on my own. The only sound that can be heard, in the library, is Beans' constant purring, where he is still slumbering on my lap, not phased by the events that have transpired between Lee and me.

I'm not sure how long we sat this way, soaking each other in, I reluctantly leaned back into my seat, giving him a wide berth so I can find my composure.

Lifting my hands, I sign, 'I am not sure how to have this conversation. I never have.' Pointing between us, hoping he understands what I am trying to say and failing.

Taking pity on me, he asks, "How about I ask you some questions, and you just answer?"

I contemplate this for a moment. Not coming up with a better course of action, I nod my head yes, motioning for him to proceed.

"Okay, good," Lee says. Relief in his voice.

Maybe he is having as much of a hard time as I am but is better at containing and expressing it then I am. This thought brings me more relief. He then begins to move about the sofa, much like my newest friend did not too long ago. Moving more onto the couch, he slides back into it. He pivots his right knee up and in front of us, making his leg a triangle shape. Giving us more space

"So the first question is, are you okay with the fact that I kissed you? I didn't ask if it was okay before I did it. After I stepped out of the library, I kept thinking, 'what if she didn't want you to kiss her, you fool. You just pushed yourself on to her, never giving her a chance to say what she wanted.' I hope I didn't overstep or make you do something you didn't want to do. That was never my intention." Lee expressed his question that had so much worry and tribulation in his voice that I began to shake my head no halfway through it. As much as it warmed me to know that he wanted to make sure I was okay with his action towards me, I felt a little disheartened too. Did he regret our kiss? Not thinking, my hands moved without permission at the slight injustice I felt. 'Is that how you see our first kiss, my first kiss? Like you took advantage of a sad girl?' I didn't mean to let the fact that this was my first kiss slip. I was just going to keep that fact to myself until I died, but rational thoughts were not happening at this moment.