M U T E

|| 26 ||

Saturday morning I wake up with the intention of picking up more pieces of my heart. They are scattered. My dad holds a piece. I wake up early in order to catch him before he leaves. I need that piece back.

"Dad," I say.

"What has you up so early, Princess?" Dad asks me. 

He stands by the coffee maker, brewing some for himself. I walk into the kitchen. 

"I miss you. All the time. I'm always missing you, Dad. I know you have a job with long hours in order to pay the bills and keep us all well. I just hate never seeing you. It hurts so much," I say, trying to hold back tears. 

He drops what he is doing, comes over, and hugs me, "Reyna."

I start crying into his shirt, wrapping my arms tightly around him, "I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry that I'm not stronger."

He pauses before he replies, his hands run up and down my back to soothe me. 

"I miss you too. I just sit in that office wishing that I could be at home with you and the boys. My dad worked all the time too, and I never saw him. I never wanted that for you kids, but that's where I ended up. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I want to be here for you," he stops for a moment, "I-I will be. I'll talk to my boss, and tell him I need shorter hours. I need to be what I've always wanted from my father. I need to be here for the people I love." 

"I don't want you to lose your job," I tell him.

"If I do, I'll get a new one. I'll get one that lets me have some time for family." 

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, Reyna. You don't ever have to apologize for not being strong enough. You are strong, Princess. It takes strength to tell me this." 

I wipe my tears away and hug my dad again. Another piece of my heart collected. Tiredness gets to me, so I go up to my room, and fall back asleep. My next holder wakes up way later.

* * * *

"Mom, I need to talk to you," I say. I just woke up again a few minutes ago. I went downstairs to see my mom in the kitchen. She has something I need back. Mom looks concerned as she follows me up to my room.

 "I've been closed up for a while now.." I sigh before continuing. This is hard for me to say, "I've locked up every single feeling, and kept it inside me. I've kept myself from smiling. I've kept myself from crying in front of you. I've kept myself from showing how I ever feel. I have a reason, and if I keep going with it locked up for the rest of my life, it will kill me.. I-I feel the need to hide every emotion because of you. I feel that I can't be happy and smiling when my mom is suffering. I feel that I need to stay strong for you, so I can't be afraid. I needed to prove to you that I can take care of myself. I can't, mom. I need you. I need you there holding me when I'm hurting and crying. I need you to comfort me with soft words. I need you telling me that it will be alright. I need to feel that I have someone who I can open up to. I've craved that mother-daughter relationship all my life, but I've restricted myself from it. I've restricted myself from it because I'm always worried that you won't survive an illness, and that I'd feel guilty. I'd feel selfish. I just kept worrying for you while pushing my own feelings inside. Mom, I need you. I really really need you," I'm out of breath by the end of my little speech. 

Mom is crying. I automatically feel guilty.

"I'm sorry, Reyna. I'm scared too. I see you in so much pain all the time, hiding it. I don't say a word because I felt you were strong enough to deal with it. Reyna, you don't need to pretend for me. I will always always be there when you cry for help. If you need me, I am right there. Don't be afraid anymore," she says.

We hug, then go on to talk for hours. Gosh, it was just amazing. It was exactly what I needed. Another piece of my heart is back. 

After talking, we decide to spend the whole night together to play catch-up on mother-daughter bonding. We do each other's hair, bake some cookies, listen to music, etc. I let myself free. I even danced along with my mom to the music. Eventually, the topic of Bryce came up.

"So, Bryce. You two just friends or something more? It's like one minute I can see it's strictly friends, and the next you're all cute and cuddling," Mom says.

"We're just friends, but-" I stop.

But what?

"But what?"

Did she read my thoughts? 

"Um..I don't know.." I bite my lip, looking down.

"Do you like him?" She asks.

"No!" I immediately answer, blushing.

She laughs, "it's okay to admit to me if you like him."

"Friends!" I say, crossing my arms. 

"Sure, honey."

"Mom."

"Yes?"

"Um, sometimes..I get these weird feelings. Like-like it makes my face all red and my heart race and my body feel all jittery and-and it's confusing!" My face starts turning red again at the admission. 

She laughs, "oh, honey. I think you need to figure those feelings out on your own."

I cross my arms. Great answer. The timer beeps to indicate that the cookies are done. That indicates the end to our discussion. I can't be mad at the cookies because well, they look delicious. 

As we let them cool, I decide to pick out a movie to watch. We were going for a romantic comedy, even though I'm not all for those kind of movies, it's- what mom wanted. I decide on Drive Me Crazy. It's a classic, and it seemed to good enough. 

Mom makes some popcorn for the two of us. I get a blanket, and settle in on the couch. She joins me with the popcorn minutes later. I play the movie.

Everything seemed to be going so good. My heart is becoming fuller. Seeing how great it feels to receive a piece of my heart drives me more to pick up the rest of the scattered pieces. Eventually, my heart will be full. It will still have its cracks and damage, but everyone has cracks. It's just when those cracks become too big that it all breaks. Then, you pick up the pieces. It breaks again, and you repeat. I guess that is just life. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, it only takes one time for a heart to break and become restored. I guess that you never really know.