It's been a long time since I wrote here and to be honest it's been a long time since I felt the need to write here.. my time is full even though we were all locked inside those last months..and this year has been a hard year and mostly cuz I couldn't express my feelings.. I wasn't allowed to.. I tried really hard to be where I am right now I cried I punched walls I went through panic attacks I even thought of taking my life but I overcame everything and I am proud of myself.. I didn't have the chance to live a normal childhood but still I am not sad about it .. maybe I missed some things but whatever I went through made a stronger person a more mature person.. it made me love myself even a little bit and it made me set goals and fight everyday to achieve them.. but at the same time in this journey I wasn't alone.. I met people I lost people with their willingness or not but I learned.. I learned that not everyone comes into your life to stay but to teach you a lesson.. and in those last two years I learned so many things about me about life about people.. although there are some people I popped out of the crowd.. and those people gave me strength made me realise my value taught me what patience and love means and I am so thankful I met them.. they both became my best friends despite I couldn't talk with both as often as I wanted .. but I am writing this actually for one of them.. I am not gonna share a name or anything but if that person reads that will understand.. so in fact not always things come easy or as planned but I learned that there is always a way out and when u want something bad enough there is nothing stopping you from getting it.. and that's what I did.. I wanted that person in my life and I still do.. cuz no matter our relationship or the struggles or anything that was keeping us from being there for each other I was still going to fight for us.. and please don't go straight to the whole relationship thing.. it's not about being with someone physically but being with someone mentally.. to me relationships need a lot more than just a physical connection a lot more than holding hands and kissing in the middle of the square.. I don't do relationships or feelings easy not anymore .. maybe I do create feelings easy but it takes me a lot to say that I am willing to give someone all of me and work for a future with that person.. I only did this once in my life and I didn't regret it but I understood that it takes a lot more than just for one person to want it.. there has to be two.. love can't be one sided cuz that's just painful and toxic.. and again I am not only talking about relationships but about friendships too.. u have to both want it as bad to make it work.. it needs patience.. a lot of it.. something I didn't really have since the start of the year.. I always wanted for things to go down easy and fast but as I said before it's not only about one person..sometimes in your life it comes a person with a whole different perspective of yours.. someone that makes you question things and mostly makes you question things about yourself.. it's scary isn't it ? Having someone cancelling every belief of yours .. and if u ask me yeah it's scary as fuck.. and usually it happens at the most unexpected times with people that were just strangers till then.. and u start wondering what's going on in your mind and why u change your behavior when it comes to gain their confidence or attention.. u start acting different feeling different.. it takes almost all your disadvantages and tries to turn them into advantages.. which is pretty weird and complicated but u mention that it just makes u a better person.. well not exactly but something pretty similar happened to me this year.. my impatience turned into patience, my indifference turned into hard work, my fear turned into willingness and most of all .. my desires turned into goals.. I never thought I would see this version of me.. I never thought there is this version of me.. main goal become a successful me .. a happy me.. a peaceful me.. but at the same time I took the risk.. I decided to try for someone I want in my life.. someone that scares me with the solid character and the determination but this shit excites me as well.. It makes me wanna fight not only for it but for me as well .. and maybe it fails and maybe I won't get to know how life is with this person but I have to try.. I am sure everyone's thinking that I am talking about relationship again but I am not really.. and that's cuz as I mentioned before I don't care about labels I care about people and to me being able to trust someone is a turn on and something extremely important in order to creat any type or relationship..so even tho I can't have what I want right now I am willing to risk everything to put it in my future life.. Also here I need to say that I have always been pessimistic in my life about everything and sometimes I used to be preoccupied too but life taught me that u are gonna lose a lot more if u stay inactive than if u just take the risk.. I don't consider myself a brave person but the only thing someone should be afraid of is themselves.. and I am saying all this because if some of you had the time or was bored enough to read this he might saw that in the beginning I said that this year I couldn't express my feelings that I wasn't allowed to.. what I really meant is that I didn't allow myself to express them.. cuz I couldn't stand the answer I couldn't stand the rejection.. so I preferred to let myself drown in my feelings in my misery than just to let it out.. And before u call me crazy it was because I kinda promised not to talk about it again before the struggle was over.. so i thought it would be inappropriate to mention something .. but as I said at the end of the day it was all me.. it takes just a little while to build a sense of trust with someone but it takes your whole life to start trusting yourself and your instincts.. which is why yourself can be your worst competitor but at the same time your best ally.. so just a small piece of advice from me .. try having yourself beside you no matter the situation than having him on the other side of the road cuz he is the only one to accompany you in health and illness for the rest of your life..
Thanks everyone who possibly spend some time reading this .. I love you all .. have a nice day, night whatever ❤️❤️
