Weekend came and wala akong balita kay Van.
I need more time. Pero I wonder kung anong ginagawa niya.
"Knock, knock." Mom said by the door. He timidly smiled and I just beamed.
"Hey, Mom."
"Let me check on you. You have a fever last night. I was kind of worried." Sabi niya and tested my body temperature. "Hmm, you're doing fine na."
I smiled again.
Humiga ako nang mabuti at si Mommy naman ay tinulungan akong kumotan ang sarili ko.
"You know what, there's something wrong with your smile nowadays. I noticed." Sabi niya. Can I share my feelings with you, Mommy?
Namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko.
"No, I am fine. Totally." I lied kahit na obvious na ako masyado kasi yung mga mata ko sobrang basa na. Aagos na anytime pero pinipigilan ko lang.
Mommy throws a hug for me and my tears just slowly flow. This is breaking me so much.
Mas nakakaiyak kasi kapag someone is trying to comfort you.
Pero I never had friends. Hindi ko alam kung sino ako maglalabas ng galit. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako iiyak. Parang palagi ko nalang pinipigilan ang sarili ko na magbreakdown nang bongga. I wonder kung hanggang saan ang limit ko. I wonder kung saan ako mas iiyak pa.
"Is it about a boy?" Sabi ni Mommy.
I hesitated to answer but I needed someone right now. And Mommy knows best. She will talk to me about what is right and wrong.
I nodded.
Lumayo siya sa yakap.
"Van Mentius." Sabi niya.
Nagulat ako kasi alam niya.
"I've known for awhile now, I just waited for you to talk about it. Boyfriend mo pala siya." Sabi niya. "Varys told me about it. I knew it already nung birthday ko, baby."
I frowned.
"I'm sorry." Sabi ko kay Mommy.
"No, its fine. Thats why I didnt nag about it. I was just happy for you. Finally you got something to focus on." Sabi ni Mom. Napahalukipkip ako sa sarili ko. I hugged Mom again.
"I'm scared." Sabi ko. That's the only words that I wanted to talk about. I want advice about being not scared.
"To lose him?"
"No, to trust him." Sabi ko.
"Did he break your trust?" She asked.
Umiling ako.
"Then, what is it that bothers your trust for him?"
"His dark past." And that's it. Umiiyak na naman ako. My chest feels so tight na para akong papatayin anytime.
Mommy pats my back.
A long silence caved in.
I never thought I ever wanted a long hug and long silence. This is more comforting than talking. But words are still powerful to soothe someone else's feelings and emotions.
Lumayo na naman si Mommy sa yakap at hinawakan niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko.
"I know you're scared. To trust. Especially sa pagmahal, anak. Scared kasi hindi natin matanggap yung mga nakaraan sa buhay ng mahal natin. Scared tayo kasi baka iniisip mo hinding-hindi siya mapapagkatiwalaan. I dont know what Mentius's past is. But what I am certain is... past is past."
Nakinig lang ako kay Mommy. Every word she spill is like drawing me in.
"No matter how ugly the past is. I think that also shapes him to try and become a better person. Right?"
I nodded.
"Does he make you happy?" Sabi niya.
I nodded.
"Did you make him happy?"
Napatigil ako. "I think."
"I think it is best to talk about it more, honey. Life decisions are often difficult kapag may emotions na pumapagitna. Pero I think, what you need right now is time. And when you are ready. Talk to him. Again." Sabi ni Mom.
I will.
When I'm ready.
BINABASA MO ANG
Van Mentius Lim: My Pain (Completed)
Romance"My Pain is you, Van Mentius." - Angel Horfelia The story of "My Pain" revolves around Van Mentius Lim and his journey to finding love and acceptance. Van, tired of playing games and having ill-fated relationships, finally meets a girl who changes...
