Van Mentius Lim: My Pain (Completed)

EPILOGUE

"Come home. Come home to me." Sabi ni Van. "Angel, please."

Van was holding my hands. So tight. So hard that I can feel the pain.

"You can't love me anymore, Van Mentius." I replied. I saw how his face stiffened. I feel guilty about everything. I should've stopped him in the beginning.

"Angel, please. You are everything I have right now." Sabi niya. "You bring me joy. You gave me hope. You gave me love. Don't leave like this."

My heart sank.

My tears fell.

My fist formed.

To hurt him is the only way for him to stop.

"I can't love you either, Van. No. I don't love you anymore. Let's stop hurting ourselves and Get out of my life."

His grip on my hand loosened up. His face were priceless. His eyes were bursting in tears and he cried in silence.

"I'm sorry." I said and walked away.

"Tell me why. What did I did for you to leave me?"

I froze and a second later I continued walking away.

White wall slapped the soul of me right after I turn my back from Van.

I woke up full of tears after a long nightmare about me leaving Van again.

But Van was right here beside me, watching me closely.

His face was filled with worries.

He cupped my cheeks.

"Angel, are you okay?" He asked.

I looked at him.

Stunned.

Van, I don't want and I won't leave you.

I immediately kiss his lips and after that he leaned his forehead over mine.

"Shhhh, what is it that you're dreaming?" He asked. "What's wrong?"

I sighed.

Napailing ako.

"I can't recall. All I know is that it won't happen ever. It doesn't matter." I said.

He smiled trying to calm me.

He hugged as he closed his eyes.

"I love you." He said with his eyes shut and his hands hugging me.

Habang kino-convince ko ang sarili ko na matulog na ulit ay napapaisip nalang ako.

Pain.

That is what I am most afraid of growing up.

I actually choose not to get attached to anyone during my teenage years and spent it more with my family. I wanna be in a small circle only. And I think I have achieved that. I don't want anything else. Somehow I realize na kung magmamahal ako nang tao ay doon lang ako naka-focus.

Hindi ko alam na kung magmamahal ako nang tao ay sobra sobra.

At sa pagmamahal  na iyon possible na sobra kang mapapasaya o kaya ay sobra kang masasaktan.

Endless Pain. 

That is when you are finally committing yourself to someone.

That someone is actually committing himself to you as well.

Yung magmamahal ka nang todo at handa kang gawin ang lahat para sa taong iyon.

Doon papasok ang Endless Pain. Because you are loving someone that much, you are willing to sacrifice your happiness, your heart, your patience at hanggang maubos ka gagawin mo lahat para sa kanya. Kahit masaktan ka nang paulit-ulit.

That is what Endless Pain is.

Pero pag nasobrahan ka na masaktan? There is what we call Chances.

Sa iniiisip ko, mas Malaki ang hakbang nang pag-asa na binigay ni Van para sa sarili niya. His past could actually kill him inside out. Yung chance na mabuhay. Yung chance na magbago. Yung chance na magmahal ulit. I am so happy for Van na nakaya niyang magtiwala ulit sa ibang tao at magtiwala ulit sa sarili niya.

Wala na akong ibang hinihingi pa kundi ang suklian ng lubos na pagmamahal si Van since ang dami-dami na niyang naranasan sa buhay.

And that is why I am also giving him a lot of Chances whenever something could go wrong.

Kasi lahat tayo ay mayroong kakayahan na magbago ulit.

At kung magkamali man ulit, magbago na na naman ulit.

I choose to live like that.

Acceptance.

Acceptance ay isang napakabigat proseso when it comes to loving someone.

Kasi kapag nagmamahal ka dapat buo. Dapat lahat, mahal mo. Pagkatao niya, nakaraan niya, personality niya, lahat mamahalin mo. Kasi you choose to love that person. So why not give it your all?

Napatingin ako kay Van ngayon na nakayakap sa akin habang natutulog.

Van Mentius Lim.

A playboy.

A fuckboy.

An ass.

May dark past ka man o wala, you are still you.

Loving, caring, tapos gwapo.

He promised to make me happy like I am his everything, he did and he is still doing it.

I have found his worst and his best.

I have found his weakness and his strength.

I have found him.

I cupped his cheeks.

Deserve mo rin maging masaya, Van.

Deserve mo ding tanggapin ng sobra-sobra.

Deserve mo rin mahalin, Van Mentius Lim.

Alam kong nakikita mo pa rin ang sarili mo bilang masamang tao, pero I can never change what I saw in you and in your eyes.

I know you are capable of loving someone.

I know you are capable of taking good care of someone.

I know that you can love me as much as I love you.

And that's all I want in this life.

And for the first time in my 24 years existence here in this harsh and crazy world, I choose to be with him.

His Pain from the past shapes him of who he is today.

He once told me, "I don't know what I'd become if it wasn't for you."

His Pain taught me to become a better person and I love him for that.

My pain shapes me of who I am today, too.

My pain is something like a blessing.

And My Pain is you, Van Mentius.