Nagising ako nang makaramdam ako ng lamig sa katawan. Medyo madilim kaya napakapit ako sa kamay ni Van. My blanket was still covered over my body and I feel happy na mapapagkatiwalaan si Van.
I turned the lampshade beside me and heard my tummy roaring inside. Killing me instantly kasi wala akong kain sa buong araw and I cant blame Van because he doesnt know. Alam kong magagalit siya kapag nalaman niya na wala akong kinakain today.
Matapos kong buksan ang lampshade, the room goes gold as the sun. But it's cold. I am freezing and maybe because my sweat has already run dry and I am still not wearing anything in my top.
I should really get dressed up. Wear my hoodie again.
But one thing I've noticed, I feel totally fine now. Like everything seems light. I wonder kung mainit pa ba ang temperatura ko.
I saw Van moved.
Nakatulog kami habang nakaupo pa sa kama.
Naramdaman ko ring medyo sumasakit na yung leeg ko. But Van was steady... for me.
He woke up. And that caught me off guard because I was staring at him.
Napansin niya ang ilaw.
Napansin niya din na nakahawak ako sa mga kamay niya.
I took my hands off but he pulled it and held it again.
"I wanna talk." He said as soon as he woke up. And that made me realize that he really does prioritize this right now. To talk to me. Kakagising niya pa lang and this is what he wanted first thing.
"Okay." I said.
"I want to say I am sorry. And I would like to ask for a chance for you to trust me."
"You don't trust yourself, too." I said.
And he stopped.
"I cant trust you if you don't trust yourself, Van." I said.
He took a deep breathe and looked at me intently.
"I— have been working on that for the past 5 years, Angel. That was all in 5 years. So long ago and here I am. In front you, I was trying to prove if I can finally trust someone after I finally trusted myself and you're worth the wait." He said. His eyes are drawing me in and his breathe it is heavy and I am loving the sound of it. His husky voice soothes me especially at night. Why do I feel like I am floating?
"Naintindihan mo ba ako?" Sabi niya. "Gusto kong sabihin sayo lahat ng nangyayari noon. When I met you, I cant get hold of my self to not fall inlove with you but the more I try to avoid you, the more I cant stop my feelings. Mahirap, Angel. Kasi hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin sayo ang lahat at hindi man lang ako sigurado kung matatanggap mo ba ako."
My heart sank.
"Gusto kong magsumbong. Gusto kong ilabas lahat at gusto ko sayo ko iyon sasabihin kasi gusto kong malaman mo lahat ng mga bagay na sobrang sama, sobrang panget, at sobrang mali." Hindi nawala sa aming dalawa ang titigan and I saw how his tears build up and flowed over his rosy cheeks. I feel like crying as well.
Watching him cry is like watching myself cry too.
"Pero takot ako, Angel. After you reacted like that, that was the moment I knew how horrible i really was. Ang sama kong tao. I'm a fucking bastard."
Hinawakan ko pa nang napakahigpit ang kamay ni Van kahit masakit.
Napayuko siya habang umiiyak.
I gave him time to cry and I was already crying too. Parehos kaming umiiyak at yung dibdib ko parang sasabog na sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko.
I feel everything.
Yung past ni Van, naramdaman ko na maling-mali siya at pinagsisihan niya iyon.
Yung takot niya sa reaction ko and worst, it reminded him how painful it was for him before.
And I cant believe we are hurting right now.
How to stop the fight?
How to stop the bleeding?
How to make everything right and back to normal again?
I want us both to be happy.
What's the point of drowning in darkness when we always have a choice to choose the bright side. Right?
Mas lumapit pa si Van sa akin at saka nagkaharap ang mga mukha naming dalawa.
"Angel..." He said as he leaned his forehead to mine. "I am a failure. I am someone who is embarassing. I am someone who doesnt deserve someone like you."
Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko.
"I love you." I said.
"I love you, too. But..." Napatigil ako. He wiped my tears away instead of wiping his. "Can you honestly love a failure? Can you honestly love someone like me? Can you honestly—"
He was in the middle of overthinking and I decided to trust him... again.
Van needs you now.
I captured Van's perfect lips and his hands hugged me. Without breaking the kiss, Van took his shirt off and kisses passionately.
He had his moment on my lips and felt the sensation caved over us.
I want him.
That's all I know.
BINABASA MO ANG
Van Mentius Lim: My Pain (Completed)
Storie d'amore"My Pain is you, Van Mentius." - Angel Horfelia The story of "My Pain" revolves around Van Mentius Lim and his journey to finding love and acceptance. Van, tired of playing games and having ill-fated relationships, finally meets a girl who changes...
