Light of my Life (STONY)

6 Days

Tony's POV - trigger warning - self harm, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide - just be warned, day 6 is where he almost commits, I just wanna let you know when.

Day 4 in the lab with almost no human contact. I'd ordered Steve a pizza to say sorry but I still didn't let him in. I couldn't. He couldn't see me like this.

It was the worst I'd ever been. Drinking every night, cutting a lot, wanting to die. It was an endless cycle, really. I'd even locked Bruce out, which he was pissed about but when I told him it would be too dangerous for him and he could turn into someone else, he let me be. I'd been sleeping on the couch, I hadn't eaten a real meal in weeks. Steve tried to come in every 6 hours or so, but he began getting the same response from JARVIS every time and slipped a note under the door that said 'I love you, Tony. I just wanna make sure you're okay, if you need me let me know. Steve xx'. That was yesterday.

I was rewatching the tapes for the second time today. It pissed me off, really. I saw a man who made no effort with me, but tried with everyone else. First impressions mattered for everyone but me, apparently. I just wanted to hear him say he loved me. Just once. Did I ever get it? No, of course not.

Day 5 of sleeping in the lab - Bruce tried to come back and I just didn't let him in, Steve slipped me another note because he was worried I was dead (at that I sent him a text to say I was fine and politely asked him to leave me be) and Nick Fury even turned up, banging on the door, telling me if I didn't open it he would blast it open. I knew he wouldn't. I ignored it.

Day 6 of living in the lab was the worst day I'd ever witnessed. Although I was working on some improvements for the suit, I found a bunch of pills. It was enough to kill me, I knew I shouldn't do it. But then again, who would miss me? I mean, Steve, I'd hope. The rest of the team. But it doesn't make a huge difference to the rest of the world if I'm there. I grabbed them and placed them down on the table in front of me. I should only take 1 every 6 hours. My hands shaking, I tipped them all in my palm and counted them. There was 17 total. I poured myself a glass of water and sat down again, the pills layed out in front of me, taunting me. I picked up 6 and rolled them around in my hand. Was I really gonna do this? Yes. Yes, I was. My eyes began to water a little.

"Steve, I'm so sorry," I whispered. I went to place 3 in my mouth when the door burst open to show Bruce looking alarmed, shouting for Steve, who ran in almost milliseconds later.

"Tony, put them down," he said gently. When I didn't, he took them from my slacked grip and pulled me into a hug. "I love you so much, you know? God, if JARVIS hadn't said anything..." I felt weak. Stupid. Vulnerable. And I wanted to push away from Steve, tell him to get out, but my mouth was glued shut and his touch was so warm that I didn't want to be left alone. There were tears streaming down my face but I was silent.

"I'm so sorry." He shushed me and told me it was okay, told me he understood, told me I didn't have anything to apologise for. He picked me up (Bruce had left when Steve came in) and took me back to our room. I hadn't slept, hadn't eaten, hadn't showered. I needed to shave, I wanted to sit on Steve's lap and hug him, tell him I was sorry for ever wanting to do anything like that. Steve ordered pizza and made us take a bath.

The water was warm and bubbly, and I sat between his legs, my back resting on his chest. It was comfortable.

"I love you," he muttered. He kissed the top of head and ran his fingers through my hair.

"I love you too, Capsicle," I whispered. I was exhausted, almost falling asleep.

"You can sleep, it's okay. I don't mind," he said quietly. I leant my head back on his shoulder and kissed his jaw.