Behind the Mask

~Chapter 7~

After hearing the unanticipated news of the boys' concert's postponement, I headed off to the studio eager to practise our latest recorded track, in the hope that I would manage to enjoy myself, as well as get my mind off of certain other things. Singing was one thing I liked to believe I was truly good at, for my real talents were not that many. They could probably be counted on one hand. Constant, hard work, however, was what helped me improve the points where I was lacking, such as long-term endurance or breathing and core stability, bringing myself further and further every day.

In a few months, once our debut settled in and we had several tracks out on the market, I was planning on releasing 'Solo', a song I had been working on since my very first months as a trainee. I put the lyrics together after the rushed break-up with my first boyfriend, Ansel, since he took my departure to Korea as a sign that I wanted to find another life and, well, partner there. I still could not wrap my mind around how selfish and unwilling to understand me he had been. He would have rather had me purposelessly stuck by his side, without ever reaching my true potential, instead of accepting to let me pursue my passion. Of course, years later, I did find another boy who might just be really, really good for me, but there was no reason why Ansel should know that. His name quite literally meant 'protector', but instead of bringing security, his affection felt more like a cage.

I had shown the lyrics to the girls the minute I finished writing them all down (after intensive checks, rechecks and adjustments), and they were all excited about the energy of the song and the message it transmitted. I felt somewhat guilty for working on something on my own instead of focusing on group work, but they didn't seem to mind it at all, being surprisingly supportive. Sometimes, it seemed as if I didn't give them enough credit for the amount of things they did for me, for their constant, unwavering love. They truly were my closest friends. I had already spent years with them as a trainee and I hoped we would spend even more together as kpop artists. But as I arrived in front of the studio doors, I shook all other thoughts out of my mind in order to be able to perform at my best.

--

I spent the next two hours inside, practising with close to no breaks at all - after some insistence on my part, but when I finally walked out of the studio, or was rather lovingly kicked out by our producer, who had had enough of my performance for the day, I only felt worse than I had in the morning. I was aware that I had done far below my capacities, absentmindedly flowing through lyrics that didn't make sense, and slurring words together at parts where I usually encountered no difficulties.

The hopeless attempt to rap my part in 'Boombayah', our debut song, which wasn't that challenging in the first place, was also undoubtedly futile. I couldn't believe myself, what was I thinking about so intensely that I couldn't do what I loved the most? Because no matter how much I enjoyed to dance, rapping remained my favourite skill. And failing at it made me feel terribly disappointed with myself.

Maybe Sensei made a fair point after all, I had to leave this boy out of my mind for this final week. But the simple thought of that made my heart collapse. How could I let him go when he was the most effective source of confidence I had?

His opinion mattered so much!
And that was precisely why I had to let him go. I had to perform at my best so that he would be proud of me. The company members, who worked hard to get us this far, as well, but that felt more like a simple perk now. His impression, on the other hand, meant everything.

So I reluctantly decided I wouldn't reach out to him tonight. I headed to the commons for lunch, knowing that seeing the girls and talking with them about the silliest of things would take my mind off of him. And it did. For half an hour, I could enjoy their laughter and light gossip about the groups we looked up to - shipping members together was our favourite activity.