Behind the Mask

~Chapter 8~

Over the next week, I improved significantly at both dancing and rapping, and I impressed myself with the emotion my voice held when I sang, making Sensei really proud. He was like a second father to me, but not even making him happy could cheer me up.

I kept replaying Yoongi's words in my head, like a sad song on repeat: "You don't feel the same. You don't feel the same. You don't feel the same."

But the problem was, I so helplessly did. I knew that, deep down, I had fallen for him as well, beyond any possibility of recovery. And sometimes the acknowledgement of that fact tore me apart, making me wonder again and again if I had made the right decision by letting him go. But that too was what love felt like, wasn't it?

When loving somebody, you also longed for them in their absence. You gave them your heart and soul without any second thoughts, without wondering if it was the right thing to do, not only for yourself, but for everybody involved. Letting him go was right for me, although it felt nothing like it, but was it right for him? Or did it cause him pain, the same way it did to me? Did it make him suffer, did it make him regret ever confessing his feelings to me? I hoped not, or I wouldn't know how to live with myself.

I mostly wondered if I had been selfish turning him down, placing my hypothetical career above his real feelings, and mine. I just tried to do what was best for everybody, considering that, if the debut did go well, it wasn't likely we would have the time for a relationship unless a miracle of some sort occurred. But sometimes, even the right decision felt wrong. Sometimes, the right decision hurt so much that I almost didn't have the motivation to get up in the morning. What was the point of it, if he wasn't going to be there to text me at late hours of the night?

It was hard to think about the time before having met him, his presence seeming to have existed since the very beginning. He had a place of his own in my life, and now I missed him so much. Yet I knew at the same time that I had made the right call. Letting him under my skin too much would have destroyed my career before its very beginning. I didn't even fear our debut anymore, it seemed like nothing could compare to the intensity of what I felt right now. The longing. And a small-scale inner battle between regret and acceptance.

Trapped in a whirlwind of emotions, I witnessed the days pass one by one, and soon, the morning came. And with it, a text did, too.

Tiger: I know you're most likely not up for this right now, before such an important moment, but I just wanted to let you know that I'll still be there in the front row filming every single moment. I haven't given up on you, Jen. Please don't give up on me.
Oh and best of luck today, blow everybody's minds! 🌈

I felt my eyes growing watery as I read, imagining him on his bed this morning, still thinking about me and wishing me the best after I let him down. He hadn't given up on me. He was going to be there today, for me.

And I needed him.

                                                                   
~

The girls met me in the lobby soon after breakfast, and their expressions were as easy to read as an open book. They were nervous to death.

I was nervous too, mostly from seeing them so frightened, but knowing that Yoongi was going to be there supporting me and throwing around those smiles I cherished so much helped me to lose some pressure.

I felt guilty knowing my girls didn't have somebody like that to help them cope. But they still had me. I walked up to them and, without a word, pulled them in a tight group hug, trying to steal the anxiety from them. They did seem to relax a bit, and they all smiled at me. They knew I loved them, and I knew they loved me. After all, we were family.