My Habit from This Town

31) Two of us

Song for this chapter is Two Of Us by Louis Tomlinson (I know Louis actually wrote this song for Jay but I wanted to use this song and I didn't want Jay to die in this)

**Louis' P.O.V**

"Go away mum." I mumble as I hear someone knock on my door for the 4th time that morning. It's been 3 months since I lost the baby and I have spent all of it possible in bed. I feel depressed all the time. Laying in bed is the only way to stop me from hurting myself again, which is the last thing I want.

"It's not mum." I hear a familiar voice say from the doorway. Great. I've been expecting his visit but I just didn't know when it would be. His voice brings me some happiness but everything still hurts.

"Hey Niall." I respond. He sits at the end of my bed. I try and hide my sadness from him for some reason. It's pointless to do so because he knows exactly why I'm sad and he knows I've been in the same place for three months. He hugs me tight. He smells like baby powder. This makes me start to cry. It's stupid. I should be over this by now. I googled how long I was meant to feel like this. I was sure it wasn't meant to last this long.

"I think we need to talk Lou." Niall says softly. Fear ran over me. Was I too much to handle? Of course I was but I didn't think Niall would want to stop being friends over it. Maybe I was overreacting. I stop thinking to listen as he continued. "I understand that you must have so much pain. Rightly so. But your sadness doesn't seem to be going away. You are going to hate my next sentence but you have to promise to at least think about it." I nod. "I think you should see someone."

"Like a therapist? No way. I refuse." I say immediately. I'm not going to waste everyone's time by rambling to some stranger about my loss.

"You promised to think about it Louis." He states. I did. And I don't break promises. So I thought about it. Niall stayed with me all day. He tried to make me laugh but it didn't work. I wasn't in the mood.

When it finally came time for him to leave, I had made my decision. "Okay. I'll try it. I'll try seeing someone."

"Good choice Lou." He smiled as he walked out the door. So that was it. I was going to try a therapist.

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"Hi there. Louis right? I'm Pat." They introduced themselves. They actually seemed really nice. Maybe this wouldn't be terrible.

"Hi." I reply, faking a quick smile.

"So, would you like to tell me why you are here today?" Straight forward. Thank god. I can't deal with useless small talk.

"I feel sad all the time. I feel useless and I hate myself because I killed my child." I told him, with a slight attitude. I don't know where it came from. It just came out.

"You killed your child? You miscarried?" I nod. "Well then you didn't kill your child. That wasn't your fault Louis. Of course you won't believe that right now. How long ago was this?"

"Three months, a week and two days ago." I tell him. I don't understand why I'm telling him this. I just feel so safe around him. As safe as I feel with Harry, but in a completely different way. I tear up at the thought of Harry. We haven't spoken since I sent the message breaking up with him. I miss him so badly.

"You're keeping track of every day that passes? You should try and stop doing that. You can't change what happened, so looking back with such detail is just holding you back. How do you usually distract yourself from things?" He asks. He asks so many questions that it's kind of annoying. But that's his job I guess.

"Um, usually I would sing or something. But I don't feel like singing. Everything is too happy. And it hurts to think of joys without my baby." Why am I telling him this?

"Have you tried writing songs instead? If you don't feel like any can really show your pain, write one that does." That isn't a bad idea. I would try that night. Why didn't I think of it before?

I spend the rest of our time explaining to him my time at Princess Park and everything that happened between me and the boys. It felt relieving to let it all out. I didn't realise how much was weighing me down.

——————

Later that day, I was back in bed feeling depressed. Now seemed better time than any to try Pat's advice.

I grab a piece of paper and just start writing.
It's been a minute since I called you
Just to hear the answerphone
Yeah, I know that you won't get this
But I'll leave a message so I'm not alone
This morning I woke up still dreaming
With memories playing through my head
You'll never know how much I miss you
The day that they took you, I wish it was me instead
But you once told me, "Don't give up
You can do it day by day"
And diamonds, they don't turn to dust or fade away
So I will keep you day and night, here until the day I die
I'll be living one life for the two of us
I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me
I'll be living one life for the two of us
Even when I'm on my own, I know I won't be alone
Tattooed on my heart are the words of your favorite song
I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud
I'll be living one life for the two of us
I could feel your blood run through me
You're written in my DNA
Looking back in every mirror
I know you'll be waiting, I'll see you again
But you once told me, "Don't give up
You can do it day by day"
And diamonds, they don't turn to dust or fade away (fade away)
So I will keep you day and night, here until the day I die
I'll be living one life for the two of us
I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me
I'll be living one life for the two of us
Even when I'm on my own, I know I won't be alone
Tattooed on my heart are the words of your favorite song
I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud
I'll be living one life for the two of us
I promised you I'd do this
So all of this is all for you
Oh, I swear to God you're living
Through everything I'll ever do
So I will keep you day and night, here until the day I die
I'll be living one life for the two of us
I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me
I'll be living one life for the two of us
Even when I'm on my own, I know I won't be alone
Tattooed on my heart are the words of your favorite song
I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud
I'll be living one life for the two of us
One life for the two of us
I'll be living one life for the two of us
We'll end just like we started
Just you and me and no one else
I will hold you where my heart is
One life for the two of us

I read through it over and over again, but I liked it. I was proud of it. I made me feel so much better, letting these feelings out. Mixed with the therapy session, I was feeling okay. Better than I had over the last three months. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't as weighted.

I continued going to therapy and writing songs. It made me feel free. Slowly, I started feeling better. Maybe one day, I could be happy again.