Xandra with an X

Too Far

My sobs have grown quiet as I sit on the toilet lid, Xandra brushing wet my hair. She works so delicately as if she believes I'll break if she tugs too hard. My heart is beating out of my chest so hard it hurts. I've covered myself in fresh cloths but even after a shower I still feel dirty.

Xandra let me be while I showered, even brought me the fresh jammies for when I finished. I think she even sat outside the bathroom door for the whole hour while I stood under scolding water, attempting to get myself to feel clean again. I just about scrubbed my chest, stomach, and private raw, trying to rid myself of the bits and pieces of the scene that I remember. I don't want to think about him or tonight ever again.

She's been silent since she came into the bathroom and everything that can go wrong runs through my head. She's going to kick me out. She's going to hate me. She's never gonna want to touch me or look at me again... I wouldn't.

"I swear to god, don't you dare ever do that again, Vita. I was scared out of my fucking mind." She finally breaks the silence. I look up to find her reflection in the large mirror and I swear my heart completely stops. I've never seen Xandra cry before.

The tears return to my eyes, run down my cheeks, and I whisper a small, "I'm sorry." Tucking one knee onto the toilet seat, I bury my face in my arms

"That's it?" She puts the brush down and kneels before me. "You said you were hanging out with Boris-"

"I was!"

"I called you a dozen times, Vita. I got home early and when you weren't answering I thought the worst." I shake my head and look away, unable to look her in the eyes. "Las Vegas is a dangerous place, Vita. Look at me." She grabs my chin and forces me to look at her. "Did someone hurt you?"

"No." My voice is shaky so I look to where I threw Boris' shirt and my pants before getting in the shower.

I don't even remember when I put my shorts back on before coming home. Now that I think about it, the whole night is this puzzle with a million pieces missing. This isn't the first time this kind of thing happened, just the first time it happened because I was fucked up on pills. Mix that with that fucked up hour with Josh... I'll be finding pieces and putting the puzzle together for months, reliving it everyday.

"Where are your clothes, baby?" I can hear the knot in her throat rising and her cries intensify. "Who did this to you?" One hand on my cheek, the other moves to push my shoulder through the neckline of my shirt to expose the many dark marks on my chest. "I didn't, so who did?"

When I don't answer, just continue to avoid eye contact, she mumbles something about me getting too cold and plugs in the hairdryer. I keep my eyes closed and lean into the touch of her running her fingers through my thick, damp curls. The warm air hitting my cheeks and the lull of the dryer is so relaxing. My head slowly falls to the side before I jerk it back up, my eyes snapping back open.

"Almost done, sweetheart." Xandra softly runs the backside of her fingers against my cheek before running them through my hair again.

Once she's satisfied, she puts the dryer away, and ties back my hair with a black elastic. By the time I manage to get myself onto my feet she's holding my toothbrush out to me, a generous glob of the minty paste on top.

Dirty. My mouth is dirty.

A puzzle piece clicks into place and my mouth suddenly tastes awful. His chapped lips. His tongue had forced it's way into my mouth and I had pushed him away. "No kissing." I had told him.

I scrub my teeth vigorously, careful not to miss a single spot. My gums start to feel inflamed, but I have to get the foul taste out of my mouth. Once I'm satisfied, I spit into the sink revealing blue suds of paste mixed with a bit of blood. Choosing to ignore it, I rinse, and follow Xandra to my room. She was waiting patiently in the doorway, Popper now under her feet.

"Fuck sakes, Popper." Her voice is exhausted. Popper ignores her warning and hops onto the bed as I climb in. He rests at the foot, his head leaning on my ankle.

My head hits the pillow and I already feel sleep consuming me again. Xandra's touch is soothing as she brings the blanket up to my chest, but is gone all too quickly. My eyes go wide, tears returning the moment I notice her absence.

"Xandra." I choke, sitting up reaching, but grab empty space. "Don't leave me." I unwilling let out a high pitch sob, reaching for her like a child.

"Okay, baby." She hushes me and climbs in next to me. Without a second thought, she takes me into her arms and I hide my face in her neck. "I'm here." Her fingers alternate between playing with my hair and tracing small designs on my back. "I'm right here."

I hiccup, holding her tighter. Don't let go of me. Xandra don't let go of me. Please never let go of me. I strayed from her and this is what happened. I wanted so badly to prove to myself that she doesn't have a hold on me, that I can have control.

Her lips press a soft kiss on top of my head and my body relaxes. I refuse to fight it, exhaustion take hold of my body.

"Where the north wind meets the sea."

For a moment I think she's asking a question, but hesitantly she continues, the soft melody shining through her nerves.

"There's a river full of memory
Sleep, my darling, safe and sound
For in this river all is found

In her waters, deep and true
Lay the answers and a path for you
Dive down deep into her sound
But not too far or you'll be drowned"

I want to thank her for the song, but once she's done I'm already being pulling into my dreams.

I went too far this time and I've already started to drown.

~~~~~~~
Soft Xandra is a necessity, but we're still in for a wild ride kids. I hope you liked it!