Xandra with an X

I Miss You

I've stopped going to class, but Xandra doesn't know that. When I leave in the mornings I go to Boris's house till she goes to work. After shes gone I return home, take a few of Larry's pills, and go to bed. On days when she works from home I go out and walk the city. Sometimes I just sit on a bench and watch the day pass, my head spinning from that day's mystery pill.

They aren't all the same, but I have no idea what I'm taking. I like the purple ones best, but the yellow ones are okay. I continue to steal from Larry's stash, but I've paid him rent. I take all the pills I want, knowing I'm stealing more money from him than he is me.

Not only do I have his, but I've found that the cabinet in the kitchen that Xandra yelled at me for opening the first morning I was here, is a small stash. Most of the bottles are regular medicine, but a few contain the real stuff. There were several bottles empty, others half full or less. I swiped them. Putting all the available pills into two bottles from the bathroom, I strategically placed all the now empty bottles in their original spaces. Xandra won't notice because she never uses them. She only goes in there for regular medicine, or occasionally just to steel a quick glance and the bottles Larry keeps there. I don't understand why he has two stashes, but I think he's completely forgotten about the one in the kitchen.  

"Vita." I don't open my eyes, but I know Xandra stands at the door. She's home early.

"Hm?" I feel like I'm on a boat that's gently rocking side to side.

"Why aren't you in class?" She's not happy, but she won't yell me. She has tiptoed around conversations, afraid of what happened to me that one night. Think, if she actually knew what happened she'd blow her top. No more sweet Xandra. No more cuddles or kisses. "Vita." Her voice is like a baby cub's roar, trying to be dominant, but failing miserably.

Laying on my stomach, I reach my arm out to summon her to the bed. With a heavy sigh she pulls back the covers and crawls in next to me. I pull her as close as I can and bury my face in her neck, breathing in her perfume. 

"Why haven't you been going to school, Vita?" I don't answer. "I got an email from Dean Chapman and he asked if everything was alright. You're failing your classes now, you know that right? Three weeks of hooky will do that to ya." 

I turn away from her and the haze I'm in makes it feel like my brain is rolling around in my head. What did I take today? A combination of things, but I don't remember what.  

"You haven't talked in a week." She pulls my body to hers. "Please tell me what I can do, sweetheart."

Get me more pills? Grab me something strong? Vodka, whiskey, something. 

"I miss you." She kisses my head and I fail to hold back a stream of tears. "I miss your smile, your rambling about Frozen 2,  your body, your smile, our silly game." She gently bites down on my earlobe. 

I hesitate to say Josh took something from me because I willingly gave it to him. I did something so low and I could've stopped it.  I just don't know how to forgive myself for that.

"I miss it too." My voice cracks, partially from not talking in a while, but also from choking down a sob. 

"Get up and help me make banana bread? Or how about cake pops, sweet girl?" She attempts . I shake my head and move till my cheek presses against her's. "Please, baby." She places a kiss beside my lips.

"Leave it alone, Xandra." I squeeze my eyes shut. 

"What are you just gonna lay around my house forever now?" 

"Fine, I'll move out already." I wiggle out of her arms, completely missing her playful tone. 

"No, come on." Xandra does her best to pull me out of the bed. "You need a shower." I let her drag me to through her room to the shower in the master bathroom. I can feel her stair on me when I turn my back to undress. "What are you doing?" She laughs.

Covering my bare body the best that I can, I step into the shower and close the glass door behind me. The glass is perfectly clean and clear except the wide clouded strip that hides little to nothing. If someone is in the doorway my ass would me covered, but close up you can just look above. What a stupid design. 

The water is cold at first, but warms up after a minute. Standing there, head tucked and arms still protecting my chest, I let the water run over my shivering body. I keep my eyes closed because if I see my body I swear I'll throw up. I want to completely cut my way out of my skin and find a new set. New set of cells, molecules, tissue that has never been touched before, never been looked upon, never been sold. 

"Here." I jump and hold myself tighter at the sound of Xandra's voice as she squeezes some shampoo into her palm. I hadn't noticed she came in after me.

"Jesus!" I gasp, backing away. 

"Silly girl." She laughs at how startled her sudden presence made me. "Why are you hiding from me?" She whispers.   

"I'm sorry." I sigh and walk into her open arms. 

"Don't be sorry, Vita." She kisses my head and I put my arms down so I can completely feel her naked body against mine. Xandra is warm, familiar, and god I missed feeling safe like this. "Turn, let me wash your hair." 

I do as told and cover myself again at the lack of contact. Xandra washes then conditions my hair, but I stop her before she goes to wash my body. "I'll do it." I gently take the loofah from her and step out from under the water. While I scrub my body Xandra washes her hair. Once I'm done I rinse the loofah poor more body wash on it. I can do this. It's Xandra and it's not like she's asking me. I'm doing it because I want to. I'm in control. 

"You okay," she turns to look at me. "doing that?" 

"I'm fine." I run the ball of suds across her shoulders and down her back. 

"Okay." she hums when I pull her body against mine. I feel a lump in my throat form and I squeeze her a little harder. "Baby?" 

"I'm sorry, Xandra." I cry. 

"What? What, baby?" She turns and holds my face in her hands. "You don't need to apologize for anything. You don't have to tell me till you're ready or at all. So don't hide and don't feel bad. Whatever it is, we'll get through it." 

"When I do, don't throw me away, okay? Please?" 

"Never, baby." She pulls me against her and kisses my temple. "I could never." 

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A lot of people have been asking for fluff so I kinda gave ya that? lol pls let me know what ya'll think and more interesting things will be happening soon aside from Vita hating herself over having sex for money lol 

~nel