Xandra with an X

I Can't

"Seventeen?" Xandra smirks, opening a fresh pack of cigarettes. I can't help but watch her every move.

"No, are you serious?" I scoff, throwing a pretzel in her direction. It lands in her hair and she pops it into her mouth before throwing veggie straw at me. These nasty chips taste like styrofoam. I throw it to Popper, giggling from the buzz of my first beer.

"Sixteen?" She takes a drag and bites her lip, hoping to god that shes finally guessed right.

"Fifteen." I chuckle when her mouth falls open and she chokes on the smoke.

"You were a child, V!" I shrug, laughing harder. It was so long ago that it's not worth getting so upset over. "Who was it?"

"My teacher." I take another long drink of my beer that nearly makes a second appearance when I laugh, almost sending it back out my nostrils.

"Oh my god," she gasps. "How old was she?"

"Early 40s I think."

"Vita, that's so wrong." She sits up, a hint of sadness is laced in her voice. "That was an abuse of her power. Was she ever arrested?"

"You're that old." I completely disregard everything she said.

"No I'm not! I'm only 30, you jackass." Written on her face, it's so clear shes upset, but trying to maintain lightness in the conversation that I'm demanding.

I giggle and move to straddle her. "Kiss me?"

She smiles, abandoning our harsh topic, and her face softens as she pushes my hair away from my eyes. "Of course, baby." She holds my face in her hands and pecks small kisses on my lips. Softly she moves her tongue over my lip and I open my mouth, needing to taste her.

Her hands squeeze my hips and I moan. Xandra's hands. Sweet, soft, only rough after given permission. The only hands that are allowed to touch me. Not a teacher's, nor a man's. Only Xandra.

"I'm so sorry that happened. I just wish I could make it all better." She hums, kissing down my neck.

"Don't talk about- Just-" I gasp when she nips at my pulse point. Her lips are like poison, addictive. "Just this." I grind my hips on Xandra and dig my nails into her shoulders.

"Sweet girl, why don't you talk to me?" She kisses my cheek and holds my hips still while she looks me in the eyes.

"Xandra, stop. Just kiss me, touch me, okay?" I grab her face to pull her in.

I want her to erase everything with her touch. It'll be as if no one ever hurt me, physically, emotionally, or sexually. When I have Xandra none of it matters, none of it happened.

"Vita." She sighs, taking my hand in hers. "You can't pretend it didn't happen. That just makes it all worse."

"Mmm Mommy-" I move her hands to my breasts, but she swiftly removes them within seconds.

"Vita, I want to help you." She takes hold of my face and draws me near. "Let mommy help."

"No, Xandra!" I shove her away, getting up to leave her. "You can't-! I can't. No one fucking can." My anger is rising in my throat and I feel like im suffocating. Ripping open the glass door I retreat to my room, Xandra hot on my heels.

"Vita, please don't hide out again. Come on, I just got you back!" She shouts after me. "We only have so much time till Larry gets back and I wanna spend time with you."

Xandra is much faster than me so she catches me just before I reach the safety of my room. Her arms wrap around my body like one of those thunder coats that Popper has. They're to keep him calm when there's fireworks or whatever, make him feel safer.

"You have to stop running because one day I might not be able to catch up." She whispers breathlessly once I stop trying to get away from her.

"I can't- can't tell you." My sobs run wild and she leads me to my bed, taking me in her arms.

"Just catch your breath, relax for a second." She runs her hand up and down my arm like she's trying to warm me up.

"I- I sold-. I fuc-" I take a big deep breath in and hold it for a second before exhaling. I can't fucking breath. "I just wanted to feel in control, I was stupid. I let him a-and I didn't stop him. I should've stopped him, but I didn't, and I took the money because I'm disgusting. Xandra I-"

"Oh, baby." She coos, pulling me into her lap. "Just breathe. I'm here, sweetheart. Right here."

"I can't. I'm- I'm sorry."

"Look at me. Look at me." She holds my face in her hands and makes me look her in the eyes. "I'm not mad."

"What?"

"I'm not mad at you, sweet girl. I hate that you did it. I hate that you could've gotten seriously hurt, but-" She sighs. "I'm too familiar with doing things to feel more in control... but those things are not the answer."

I nod, blinking back another set of hot tears.

"I care about you."

"No," I shake my head. "You don't, Xandra."

"I do." She kisses my head, and spares one second of weakness before her face hardens. "But if you ever do anything so stupid to hurt yourself again, I will hurt you so much more."

Sitting up the pulls out a cigarette, lights it, and leaves without giving me another look.

~~~~~
I'm SORRY it's not much because I'm so invested in another story im writing but I'm trying to set myself on a schedule and hopefully it'll be better after that! Pls comment and all that jazz. I love to know what y'all think and what you want to happen.

~nel