Hidden Desires

Year 10 2002-2003 Mixed Signals

Monday mornings were usually the hardest, but these days, I was literally skipping to school. My feelings for Mr Jaime Stewart were growing more and more each time I layed my eyes upon him. But I was still too afraid to tell him how I really felt. I was afraid of rejection. Afraid, that I had been imagining this whole thing and reading the signs all wrong. It'd been a couple weeks since the disco, and I was still on cloud nine. Each day, I'd reminisce about the way he held me close. The chemistry between us when we danced the night away, felt real. I felt like I belonged to him and he belonged to me. So trust me when I tell you, that it came to me as a shock, when I found out that today was gonna be a day of absolute heartbreak.

Myah and I walked into school, giggling away. I was boring her with more memories of the disco.

"Yeah girl, you told me that already!" Myah reminded me rolling her eyes.

"Oh yeah! My bad!" I replied putting my arm around her.

"Sierra's in luuuuvvv!" Myah teased me playfully.

"What chu talkin bout Willis?" I shot back, doing a poor imitation of our favourite catchphrase in the TV sitcom, Different Strokes.

We both burst into uncontainable laughter, said our goodbyes and headed up to our different form tutors, for morning registration.

Science, had been the last lesson before lunch and Mr Mcknight had been teaching us all about photosynthesis. However, my attention had been elsewhere. Lunch. My stomach growled. Myah, nudged me gently, with her elbow, indicating me to look across the classroom, to where Jaime was sitting. I wasn't sure what she had wanted me to see, at first. But then it hit me. Jaime and this new girl. Evelyn Dacosta. She'd only started a few months back and hadn't seem like a threat. Till now. They looked cosy. A little too cosy. They were giggling and whispering to one another. A sharp pain hit the left side of my stomach. I felt sick. I put my hands up and asked sir, if I could go to the toilet. In exchange, Mr Mcknight, challenged me to answer a question in order to go. Maybe it was the desperation to leave the classroom, to stop eveyone seeing tears rolling down my face, but I somehow managed to give a satisfactory response.

Leaving the classroom, I half ran to girls' toilets located on the 6th floor. I went inside a cubicle, closed the lid and sat down. A thousand thoughts were racing through my mind, was I just being overly jealous? He wasn't mine afterall. We'd never actually made anything official. My mind went back to my birthday. I'd gotten into trouble with my mum, because I came home from school at 7pm. I'd lied to my mum saying, I'd been at the library. The truth, was that I'd been hanging out at school, with Jaime. Talking a whole lot, laughing and hugging. It had wholeheartedly, been the best birthday ever and worth being grounded for. But now, after all of that, the disco, and even him asking me to be his Valentines, he does this? How could he? How could he hurt me like that? And why all the mixed signals? I was so confused. But, most of all, I was heart broken. I got up and wiped my tears with the back of my grey school jumper and unlocked the door. It was time to go back and face the music.

Walking back into class, I tried my upmost best to not make any eye contact with anyone. Instead though, my eyes fixated on Evelyn passing a piece of paper to Jaime. What could that be about I wondered. I sat back down next to Myah and she whispered 'are you okay?' noticing that I'd been crying. I nodded 'yes' and attempted to concentrate on the rest of the lesson. I glanced at the clock above the white board, 15 minutes till lunch. I couldn't help but to notice, Jaime writing something on the same note and passing it back to Evelyn. Whatever he had written, must of satisfied her because she was smiling. Suddenly, I wasn't so hungry anymore.

I'm not even sure how I got out of that classroom. I felt numb. My whole world was spinning. And not in a good way. Myah, bless her heart, had been trying her best to cheer me up. Reassuring me with, 'it's his loss', 'he don't know what he could of had' and 'you'll find someone else', simply weren't comforting enough. I felt betrayed. And by the end of lunch, rumours had been flying around in the playground, of the latest couple. Jaime and Evelyn. Not Jaime and Sierra. I was truly heartbroken. Disappointed even. Part of me, had hoped it wasn't true, but I began to feel and notice the change in Jaime. Whenever we would cross paths, he'd simply avoid eye contact. In class, if we had to work as a group, it'd be so tense and awkward. He'd look so uncomfortable, like he didn't wanna be there. We didn't make jokes anymore. We didn't hug. And we barely spoke to one another. I missed his warm hugs and his poor attempts at him trying to tickle me into laughter. I missed him making CDs, with the lastest bangers and charging the other kids a fee, but giving me copies for free. I missed watching him hold his blue biro pen in his left hand, and intensively draw a masterpiece in his sketchbook, with his tongue sticking out. I missed him. Most of all, I missed our friendship.

The next few weeks were tough. Everyday, was a constant reminder that Jaime was now taken. Evelyn, seemed nice. But I'll be honest, after discovering that Jaime, now belonged to her, I made no efforts into getting to know her better. All I knew about her, was that she was from a French speaking country. He must have a thing for French girls then, I thought to myself. What a coincidence! I couldn't help myself. I was jealous. I wondered who'd asked who out first. Then it dawned on me. The note during Mr Mcknight' science lesson! It was all adding up now. Sadly, this revelation didn't make it hurt any less.