Hidden Desires

May 2020 10.01am: Hey Stranger

This madness of a lockdown is driving me insane. All I do is wake up early, pick up my phone and spend almost 2 hours back and forth on social media. WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram and repeat. Scrolling through the same post and sending memes to the same 4 followers that I always do, hoping I'd get a better reaction than a simple 'lol' or 'seen this'. I look over at the time. 9.57am. Do I go for a walk and kill off some time? I lay in bed considering my options. My stomach growled a sound of high desperation and need for food. I had put on so much weight during this Covid-19 virus lockdown, that my only way and form of exercise was walking for an hour to stop me from going into a whirlwind of depression. I was in fact dreading returning back to work. Not only because of working with these little spoilt brats, but because of the excess weight I was now carrying. Sigh. My phone's notification informed me that I had an Instagram Direct message. Finally! At last, someone had responded to one of my numerous hilarious memes that I had sent. I picked up my phone from my bedside table which read 10.01 am and to my surprise did see a direct message but it was in fact from Jamie87. It read:

Hey Stranger. I know it's been a while. How are you coping in this lockdown? Hope your walks have been keeping you sane. Look you've been on my mind for a while now and I needed to reach out because there are a few things I need to get off my chest. Could I please have an email address? Anyways, thought I'd message you to see if you were okay. J x

I sat up. My heart skipping several beats. What on earth could he possibly want, I wondered. It had been over 8 years or so, since I'd last seen him. He had reached out a few times here and there since then, but nothing major. I was extremely curious yet nervous to find out what he wanted. But I needed to play it cool. I couldn't reply straight away. Could I? Fuck no. That would look totally desperate. But I am desperate. Yes, but HE did not need to know that. Sigh. I decided to let Jamie wait.

Hours went by, and I had pretty much memorized his message word for word. His deep voice ringing in my ears. Jamie had been someone special once upon a time, a long, long time ago. I'm talking we could have been the Hova and Bey of our generations. All eyes us walking into a room type of thang! Yasss honey! But nope we both were too shy, too insecure and too concerned about what our fellow peers would think to act upon our true feelings.

I picked up my phone. Opened Instagram and headed straight into my direct messages. Jamie87. Felt like everything around me was in slow motion. I could hear my heartbeat through my ears. The birds outside were singing in unison 'do it, do it'. I knew I was about to re-open a door of emotions that had been shut for a very long time but never locked. Anxiously, I begin to type:

Hey J...a bit random but erm I guess an email address would be fine..
sierra_french88@gmail.com

4.32pm. Sent. I let out a deep breath realising that I had been holding in my breath the entire time. I put my phone down. Lay back into my bed. Staring at the ceiling, I began to reminisce on how it all began...