Hidden Desires

May 2020: sierra_french88@gmail.com

4pm. Home time. I grabbed my handbag, said my goodbyes and headed to the school car park. Our school was still open, despite the epidemic, as we were required to look after key workers' children and vulnerable pupils. However, I was only expected to come in once a week, so I couldn't complain. Plus, it was a chance for me to get out the house too. I set my Spotify playlist, for my 20 minutes drive home. An email notification, escaped through my speakers. Assuming it was a work email, regarding next week's rota, I picked up my phone and quickly gave it a glance, starting up the engine. My heart was racing. My palms felt clammy and sweat began to drip from my forehead. My dashboard read 29° degrees. The astonishing May weather, didn't exactly help either. The email was from Jaime. I was dying to find out, what was in the email, but I decided to wait until I got home.

The drive home felt longer than usual, despite there being no traffic. My favourite songs, had been playing in the background, but my thoughts were on Jaime's email. The email was entitled 'Dear Sierra'. I wonder what he said, I thought to myself. This sounded serious. And why through email? I would have thought the best way to talk, would have been through WhatsApp. Is he dying? I hope he's not! It can't be that serious!  I had so many questions, I wanted to ask and I hoped that Jaime's email would answer them all.

I'd been on the phone on and off, for the last 3 hours, talking to a work colleague and then Myah. Myah was my voice of reason. We'd been bestfriends since secondary school and she had always given the best advice. Myah, had finally found her prince Charming, was engaged and expecting her first child. I, on the other hand, was soon approaching 32. Single. Childless. Sadly, still kissing frogs.

Coming off the phone with Myah, I promised her, that I would fill her in on Jaime's email. Sitting down with a cup of hot chocolate, I anxiously, opened Jaime's email. First and foremost, it was long! Extremely long. It had at least 7 paragraphs. I couldn't help but to gasp and let out a few 'oh wow'. I was flabbergasted! Couldn't believe what I was reading. Jaime Stewart's confession. After all these years, I thought to myself. He was finally expressing his true feelings for me. I was so shocked, almost unsure that this was real. Could this be a prank? I read the email over again, focusing on a particular paragraph which read:

You were my first PROPER crush. I was actually shocked you liked me. Even now I can't believe I was even be able to be in your space.

So he DID have feelings for me! All this time. Why did it take him almost a decade to profess his true feelings for me? My head was spinning. But, suddenly I realised that, he wasn't the only one at fault here. Once upon a time, I was head over heels for Jaime. But I never told him. Not that I could remember anyway! And yes, we would flirt back and forth. Joke around and even tease one another, but back then, I didn't have the confidence to be upfront about my feelings for him. I was afraid that he'd laugh at me, or reject me. I was petrified of being humiliated. So because of that, my feelings for Jaime, grew each time, I spent time with him, but from a distance. I'd put up a 'barrier' and pretend to be all though, but deep down, I was weak and vulnerable, especially around Jaime Stewart.

For the past few years I've been doing everything in my power to not contact you. All I keep thinking about is you. All the time and sometimes I don't know if it's the guilt or me hating I can't have you.

Wow! He'd been thinking about me! I cannot lie, this was making me smile. It felt refreshing knowing someone out there, had been thinking of you in that way, if at all. I felt flattered even. Jaime had been in touch, on and off, over the last few years, checking in, I suppose. He'd message me happy belated birthday or wish me a merry Christmas. It was always a pleasure hearing from him, but this was soothing. I was absolutely lost for words!

You will be the One who got away. I messed up with you and I will live the rest of my life with that regret.

This sentence caught my attention. I read it over and over again. Each time, the words penetrating me even deeper. It was painful. I had mixed emotions. On the one hand, I was estatic to hear about Jaime's true feelings for me. I hadn't imagined it. It hadn't been all in my head. It hadn't been one way. He did actually like me. But on the other hand, sadness, filled my heart. We should have been together. He shouldn't have dated Evelyn Dacosta. It should have been me. If only we'd told each other how we really felt. If. Only. We wasted so much time and now it was too late. No turning back. 'I messed up with you' kept going around in my head. Laying down on my sofa, my mind wondered back to almost 16 years ago.