Short stories and Other Whatnots

Happy New Year

Her.

The music was in the air on the highest possible volume setting, multicoloured lights darting through the room like bullets, and people danced around not caring what they looked like. I was surprised myself when I got dancing with them, I never dance to be honest with myself I’m too lanky to even sway my hips. But there I was my hands in the air surrounded by the people I love dancing to the Beastie Boys.

Lena, Gail, and Scott were dancing around me enclosing me into a small circle, jumping around with a mix of head banging and semi-grinding/swaying. Their dancing looks more outrageous than I led on all right; they had their eyes closed ever since they got to the party and danced all over the room dragging me along. But I had my eyes open and why? I don’t know.

Then, I saw Anthony and the reason why I kept my eyes open finally came to the light and revealed itself. I know myself to fall in love easily it’s a known fact for myself and close friends which is why they keep me at bay whenever we’re at some party or get together outside our usual circle of friends. I’ve been in love for too many times, 12 times if you want to keep score and only 4 out of 12 reciprocated that love. I like to think about what could have been if I had confessed to every guy I loved, would it have ended the way it does like in a John Green or Rainbow Rowell novel or end with a bitter poem written by me printed on the school newspaper?

Well at least I received recognition for those poems.

Being in love that many times ruins my apathetic bitch persona, you have no idea how difficult it is to be in a place where a majority of your friends are in steady relationships and whatnot while you’re just sitting there alone while a couple sucks face right in front of you. Relationships are hard, I get that clearly but I know for a fact that it is worth it. Having someone to love that loves you back is reward enough itself for making that kind of bond work just right, and it tears me apart that I have this feeling in my gut that makes me want to enjoy being an I instead of a we. But I can’t enjoy being an I, I have so much love inside me and it pains me to not give it away to someone who wants to receive it.

I hate it that I need to stay strong and independent as I was raised to be, I hate it that I’m seen as any other girl who swoons by a mere holding of hands or peck on the cheek. I’m not going to lie my ass off, all right? Love is the best thing to feel but it is also the worst. When I was in 7th grade, I swore to not have children in the future + to not marry anyone mainly because I can’t even take care my hamster who died after being with me for a month, what more if it was an actual tiny human? Let alone a husband don’t get me started on that.

I’ll just be that cool single rich Aunt that all of my nieces and nephews know, that cool single rich Aunt who goes on first class trips to London, Zurich, Amsterdam, Scotland, and New York, that cool single rich Aunt who lives in a comfy but sophisticated loft with a hammock in the living room and a decked out closet and library.

That sounds so happy and sad at the same time.

It pains me to know that I have so much love inside of me that I have no idea how to give it away just like that. How come other people just do it so easily? Other people have so much ease with it, it’s like basic addition to them but advanced calculus for me. I want to be that strong independent woman who don’t need no man but who the fuck am I kidding? Who’s not a sucker for love and being loved back? Everyone needs someone to kiss, to hold in their arms, to cuddle into when the rough winter nights come by, and all that sappy crap.

“Yo, Kira!” Scott shouted over the music, now staring at me as he danced with inhuman vigour around me, “You’ve been eye fucking Anthony ever since he got into the room.” He shouted into my ear which only came out in a whisper due to the loud music. I shrugged, turning my back to him still dancing. But I still heard him talk about it, about Anthony. I’ve had a crush on him for quite some time now but I wasn’t near close enough to confess it.