Dear Holy Spirit

🔥 4 | Broken Hallelujah

Dear Holy Spirit,

I'm sorry for grieving You. I'm sorry if there were times I stifle You. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

My Lord, I'm not really that strong. I thought I was a tough soul. But the other day, I felt the weakest. I cannot even look at Your face because of shame.

I'm sorry because, for a while, I despised the pain of Your discipline. I tried to see the bigger picture. I tried to convince myself that it's part of my journey. Still, I found myself partying in pity.

To be honest, I hated myself for that time. I want to be strong. I want to be a mature Christian. But why do I get hurt? Why was Your discipline too painful? Why am I crying and crying and crying?

God, I don't want to appear as the "weak Christian". I want to control my emotions. I want to hold the tears. I want to suppress the pain. But my hands were shaking, the tears kept falling. I felt my heart shattered into pieces.

I tried to sing and worship You. After all, it's not about me or my pain. It's all about You.

And it felt strange. You interrupted my worship.

I heard Jesus said, "I don't want you as a whole. For now, give Me all the broken pieces of you."

As much as it sounded comforting, I shook my head. No, God! I refuse to give You the broken parts of me. I refuse to offer You my broken worship. I refuse to give You my fragile self. You don't deserve it. What You deserve is the "whole" version of me.

I was singing my song again yet You want me to pause for a minute. I don't know anymore. What can I offer to You when everything was stripped away?

And Jesus spoke again, "give Me those broken pieces, my child."

"No, Lord! Why would You even want it?"

"Because I don't want anyone else to have it."

And there, I broke down.

Holy Spirit, it's only now that I came to realize...

That if I have nothing else to offer to God, He would still want me. Because before I have anything else to give Him, I was the broken version of me and it's all He ever wanted.