kisses and cuddles•Mileven oneshots

How Can I Love You, if I can't Love Myself?

This oneshot is quite angsty. I just wanted to dabble into something different, but this might be the only one. This is an au where the kids are regular teens in high school, and El starts to question if she is enough. 

third person

1. my fingers are too short and fat.

2. my toes are ugly.

3. my feet have too many calluses.

4. my face is too fat.

5. I sound weird when I talk.

6. the food I eat is weird.

7. I'm too short.

8. I'm ugly.

El wrote the final word in her journal before laying her head against the wall to her bedroom. A shaky breath escaped her lips before a tear rolled down her face. "My fingers are fat," she whispered to herself as she analyzed her hands. 

A shaky sob escaped her lips as she placed her fingers on the ground. Her eyes welled with more tears as she remained on her seating on the ground. Her tears dropped as she blinked, each tear making her feel sadder and sadder. 

She wiped the tear beneath her right eye, before standing up. She entered the bathroom connected to her room. She looked in the mirror before letting another sob escape her lips. "My face is fat, I'm ugly, and I should just stop talking," she rambled as she watched her face in the mirror. 

"I'm a fucking mess. I wish I was pretty; I wish I was taller; I wish I didn't sound like a chipmunk on acid."

Her tears kept on rolling. Her breathing became heavier, and she didn't know what to do. She felt like she was this huge burden, and that there was nobody else that could fix it. There was one person who could make her feel better-- him. 

Mike was her boyfriend, and he loved her more than the sun loved the beach. His love for her was stronger than the force of gravity. But there was just one thing he hated about her. 

He hated how much she disliked herself. 

El listened to everyone else too much, and that led her to become very self-conscious of everything she does. According to 'her' she "deserves the hate" she brings onto herself. When the two are in a room together, all he does is talk to her about how beautiful she is and how perfect she is, and she couldn't think otherwise. 

This was the one time, El genuinely believed the things they were saying about her. El never believed that she "had fat fingers" or "she had ugly feet" and she never believed that "her face was too fat", but this last comment, it was just too much for her. 

"Would you look what the cat dragged in," the evil voice beside her said. "What the hell do you want?" Mike interjected, trying to lessen El's load on this one. "Just thought I would tell your little bitch that she's worthless and that you'll never truly love her," she said with a shrug. 

"Okay and what in the fucking world do you want me to do about it? I'm never enough for you. quit being such a bitch to me. I've done nothing to you," El said through gritted teeth. She rolled her eyes before unscrewing the cap to her water bottle. 

She took a sip from it before screwing the cap back on. She sat it on the table before the girl looked back at her. "Aww look at your fingers, they're so fat and short. They look like those party sausages," she laughed maniacally at her. 

"How's this party sausage look?" El asked holding up her middle finger in front of her. "Calm down," Mike said rubbing his hand up and down her back comfortingly, "What the fuck do you have out for her?"