Ours

Bonus: I love you

Windows down, music blasting, warm sun on my face as I drive down the highway. Alexander sits in the seat beside me, his head resting on the palm of his hand as he stares at the road in front of us, his eyes unfocused under half-closed eyes. He drove for hours before I took over, so I don't blame him for being tired. 

"Do you want to stop for dinner soon?" I ask. He hums in response. I laugh at his tired attempt at communication, knowing it's the most I'll get out of him for another few hours. I take one hand off the wheel to grab his hand, squeezing it gently to let him know I heard him. I turn the music down to a lower volume so that he can rest easier. 

I breathe in the rushing air as it streams in through the window, a soft smile settling on my face as the wind ruffles my hair. It's getting a bit too long for my liking, and I let go of Alexanders hand so I can push it back from my face.

I see an exit for a random town along the highway. I glance at the time, then at Alexander and decide to pull off. The car slows down as the city quickly becomes more and more populated, until I'm driving down a quietly developing city, nothing particularly remarkable about it. We pass by a mall, whose parking lot is slowly emptying as teenagers begin to head home in order to make curfew. A McDonald's drive-through lineup curls into its parking lot and groups of people stand at bus stops, staring at their phones or nodding their heads along to the music playing in their ears. I drive along the main road until I see what could only be a grocery store. 

Not entirely sure what I'm going to buy, I pull into a parking space, staring at the building in front of me. I shrug, deciding to figure it out once I'm inside the store, and grab my wallet. "Grabbing some food, I'll be back in a few," I say to a still Alexander while I open the door. 

"'Kay, love you," He mumbles. 

It isn't until I'm halfway across the parking lot that I understand what he said. I stop, standing in place as the words run through my mind again. I turn around to look at him, blinking, half expecting him to be grinning at me goofily through the front window. But he's still in the same place, head resting in his hand, glasses slipping down his nose as the breeze brushes through his blonde hair. I turn around slowly, heading into the grocery store on nothing but instinct.

Love you. Love you? Does he... love me? I wonder as I grab a basket and wander into the produce aisle. We've been dating for quite a few months now, but it's not something we've ever said. I never really thought about it, but it's not like he meant to say it. He was half asleep. 

There are such things as Freudian slips, you know. 

I grab a bag of mixed greens from the rack, putting it in the basket absentmindedly. It's not a huge deal that he said it, we're in a long term relationship and have both been fairly apparent about our feelings towards each other. I grab a pepper as my mind skips backwards- Is it a long term relationship? 

You are moving in together next year with Taren. 

But that's an offer Taren made. Not a choice we consciously made together. Living in the dormitories was too expensive and Taren knew Alexander still needed a place to live. It was natural he should offer to the both of us since he can't afford rent on his own. 

It is only a two-bedroom apartment. 

There's nothing new about Alexander and I sharing rooms. 

This sounds like a long term relationship. 

I grab a cucumber and make my way towards the deli. 

What about when you two break up? 

I freeze as I reach for a rotisserie chicken. That's not something I can be thinking about. It's not something I want to think about. Who says there's a 'when'? I don't want there to be a 'when'. I don't want to be without him. No. No, there's no 'when'.

So it is a long term relationship. 

I grab our standard grocery list as my thoughts turn through my head. Bread, water bottles, granola bars. I'm only half aware of what I'm grabbing, and as I pay for the food I hope that I've gotten everything we need. 

There's only one question that remains,

I head back outside, the bags of groceries in my hands. The sun has slowly started to make its way back down towards the horizon, setting everything into a golden glow. Alexander is still asleep as I reach the car, and I look at him quietly as I load the groceries into the backseat. 

Do you love him? 

I climb into the front seat as quietly as I can, but Alexander doesn't stir. I look at him as I start the car, following the familiar lines of his face and arms and chest. He shifts sleepily in his seat and I quickly look away, not wanting to be caught staring. I realize my face is burning and there's a stinging in my eyes as my brain loops over an earlier thought repeatedly; What happens when you two break up? I push it away as far as I can, not wanting to think of that as a certainty. I don't even want to think about it as a possibility.  I don't want to be forced to imagine a world where he isn't beside me. There's nothing I want less than that. 

Later that evening, when I've brought us to a camping ground and set up our supplies, Alexander stumbles out of the car as I'm making dinner. He looks around groggily, shaking his head as he takes in everything around him. I stand up, pulling him towards me by his hand and resting my forehead against his. He puts his hands on my waist, pulling us closer together. 

"Sorry I slept for so long," He says sheepishly. "I don't know what happened," 

"It's okay," I tell him, "You were driving for a long time. I didn't mind taking over," 

His only response is a smile as he slowly begins swaying us back and forth in a gentle dance. He takes my hand, using it to guide me around in a twirl. I rest my hands on his shoulders as we sway to the sound insects humming and the wind twisting through the leaves. I lean forwards, gently pressing my lips to his. "I love you too," I murmur. 

Alexander looks at me, a surprised but curious look on his face. "Too?" He asks.

I trace the line of his jaw with my finger, following it with my eyes as I say,  "Today when I went to get groceries, you said 'love you' as I left. I didn't get to respond until now," 

Alexander chuckles, and now it's my turn to look confused. "I've known that I love you for a while now, Micheal," he says, "I just didn't think the first time I'd say it to you, I'd be asleep," 

"You can say it again, if you'd like," I tease. But Alexander only smiles, tilting my face up towards his as he kisses me again, slow and sweet and soft, making my heart flutter in my chest. The sun casts one final golden glow on the two of us, slowly fading away in the distance as the last of the birds finish up their songs. He pulls back, still holding my face close to his. 

"I love you,"