Hold On

| 02 |

It was strange, seeing him again. I truly didn't think I ever would, I thought he died.

I thought about Thomas a lot, the butterfly's were fluttering or whatever. I only felt such feelings for a man once, and we were children. His name was a Emanuel Gomez, and I don't remember much about him but he had these brown eyes that glowed amber in the sun. He was cool in school, hell, even the teachers loved him.

Anyways, those feelings came back and I was reminded of Emanuel.  It's kind of funny, thinking about Thomas made me think about Emmanuel. I thought about Thomas Shelby for days after we met, and then the feelings slowly eased up and went away.

Paola said I looked love sick, and I truly believed her. I think I fell in love with Thomas that day, love at first sight maybe? The thought makes me blush. All I knew was that the way I felt for that man was totally different and beautiful. It was dreamy and fun, I found myself fantasizing about the silliest things and I took his playful remark that he'd come back for me seriously.

But that was years ago. So long that I managed to fall for another man called Henry O'Malley. I thought he was good, and I allowed that deep infatuation I had for him to ruin me. I disobeyed Paola and I left the practice to pursue him. Lost my license as a nurse and became addicted to opium. I spiralled out of control in the name of love.

Henry said I cant control my problem, he got sick of me and tossed me to the whorehouse in Birmingham. I was subjected to horrible things there. Forced to call that place my home ever since.

He came to us on a Saturday. It was cold. The men who pimped us out were upset because cold weather meant there were too many horny men and so little rooms. Sometimes they'd make us spend's nights outside and alone. Cold. But this day, this Saturday, they were living their best lives. I couldn't understand why until three men walked into the lobby excitedly.

The women, we, stood, the way we were trained to. In nothing but the raggedy night gowns we've been put in, we stood in a line with our hands to our sides and our heads raised. Being sold meant more than to putting our best selves forward, it meant eating well. Meant showering and begin on the pimps good side.

I licked up my lips and looked down, something I could get in trouble for. I've got the lashes on my back to remind me of the mistakes I've made in the past.

"Take your pick brother." He said, and he was different. Not a questionable kid but a man. The type who had a bottle of scotch in his hand and a cigarette between his fingers. The type who drives a car and has children but doesn't speak much to them because he's too tough for that. That type of man.

His voice was stern, and I don't recall him looking like he came from money. It was apparent now that he's rich, filthy rich.

He surely didn't remember me, but I remembered him. He still had those handsome features and baby blue eyes. Innocent looking in the face, his hair was different though. Cut down and uniform like, he was wealthy by the look of his suit.

Thomas Shelby, I almost wanted to say his name just to be sure it was him. See if, maybe I said his name, he'd turn around and say, hey, I was looking for you.

There was a man who approached me, one of the three. He had brown hair, like Thomas, his eyes were a bit less blue and more green. He was visibly younger. More smug and excited than the others.

Then, there was a tall slender one. He smoked and walked around as well. More cocky, snickery. The only one who stood quietly with his arms behind his back was Thomas.

"This is a proper girl here." The tall one says, his accent much more heavier than the others. "She's a woman."

He mentions Lucille, whose gown had tore open after a quarrel with our pimp, Alex. Her breasts were exposed and the tall one took the opportunity to grope her. She didn't flinch, we've been taught not to flinch. And only cry if it really hurts. Our safe word, House.

I knew they were nearing me and I knew it in my heart that they would stop at me. It wasn't that I had a hunch or something, but because I'm the only woman here who's considered ethnic next to the handful of Chinese women. I'm the only one who looked different here, and something I once thought was a blessing turned out being a curse. I looked down, and my hair covered the sides of my face. My hair was short, but long enough touch my shoulders. My eyes are a frosty brown, big. My lips are full, and I've got a figure. Most men picked me. I breathed, and felt my heartbeat roll all over my body. I hoping that they wouldn't choose me, that I was wrong about my intuition.

Still, I felt a tall finger lift my chin up and I was staring at him for only a second before my lips began to tremble. I knew what he saw was extraordinary. I was different, and something like an offer he couldn't refuse.

"Hello there." His voice was like venom and I got attacked with it. I felt the bile roll up my throat, the urge to heave came over me.

I pressed my lips together and turned my head away. It was something about the ones who looked wealthy who did the worst to us. I once passed out from being choked for too long by some big shot politician. I got an extra couple pounds for his foul play and an bag of snow.

He spoke from behind me, "How much for this one?"

"She's the priciest." Alexander Chang, the leader, said. "Alma's a good time, she bites though."

I hold my breath, despite the rapid pace my heart beats at. I hope to goodness that soon I'll faint. The opium I had this afternoon is beginning to ware off.

"Do you bite?" He asked in a low whisper, the back of his hand gently caressed the side of my face. "Look at me." He instructed.

I did so, facing him. I swallow, feeling repulsed by the way his eyes roam my body.

"My names John Shelby and I'm looking for a wife."

"Shelby?" I breathed, feeling the confirmation stop my world. I was right.

Brothers? My eyes fixed to Thomas who now looked at me. I felt my stomach sink and my face heated.

"The lad who dropped her off here said she was a nurse, she tends to some of the wounds the ladies get from their beatings." Chang informed the three boys. "She's from Puerto Rico or something like that. Prideful, this one."

"Why don't you look for another girl?" Thomas spoke, clearing his throat and stepping forward. He nodded at me, but still spoke to his brother. The urgency in his voice is alarming. "You don't want 'er, ey? She's probably riddled with something."

I got lost in his eyes, and I didn't know if I wanted to beg him to take me under his wing, or to ask him to leave me alone. Surely, he was as rich, if not more– with the lush suit he and brothers wore, I assumed he was well off.

"No, I want her." John states, fixated on me.

"She's a beaut." The tall one added with a snicker. "The things you could do to her." He bent down in front of me and tosses his cigarette at me, making me jump.

"That's enough!" Thomas said before walking up to Chang. "How much then?" He was in a rush, a panic. "How much for her?"

I looked down at the barely lit cigarette and felt my chest lift and fall, lift and fall. I was being tormented but nothing was happening to me. A panic attack that started in my toes and made its way up to my chest. I had a panic attack twice, once when Henry punched me and the second time, when I was threatened by one of my clients. The scar above my eyebrow still sits as a mark from that man.

It was a swift exchange. Money for woman, and I was grabbed them and hurtled into a car sat beside the man I was to marry John Shelby.