Hold On

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He unlocks the door to mine and John's home and he's kind enough to walk me past the long trail of blood. John's blood.

I can still remember the screaming and the pleading. I was begging him to slow down, beginning him stay with me. I heard the crushing of his ribs as I preformed CPR. It was my first time in almost four years since I had to do CPR on someone.

Thomas is soft with me. As he helps me out of my clothes and helps me into a nightgown. He asks if I want to take a bath, but I shake my head.

I don't tell him about what Paola and I discussed. But I do wonder, for the life of me, why Paola never told me. Doing what she did so wrong, she ruined my life.

Thomas walks me to the bed, and we sit beside each other but don't touch.

All I can think of is where I was before I met Henry. Curious and doe-eyed. An overachiever, who loved assisting in surgeries and I wanted to be a doctor. I was saving up to go back to school for those exact reasons.

I stayed in contact with my mother and father. We mailed to each other all the time, Paola was jealous of my relationship with my parents. She used to tell me that she so much wished she and her parents had that bond.

But the truth was my parents adored Paola just as much as they adored me.

She knew everything about me, but now, I can't help but wonder, if she knew me, she wouldn't have pushed Thomas away from me. She knew how much of a hopeless romantic I was. She knew that cherished the idea of Thomas Shelby. She knew that I wanted nothing more than for him to walk through those hospital doors and pour his heart into mine.

Because of her, the woman I so confidently relied on, I lost myself. I met a man, who I thought was good for me. Who pushed me over the edge, led me to absolute distraction. I'm a disgrace, and it isn't because of me falling in love with Henry. But because Paola pushed Thomas away from me.

My entire heart shatters as I feel the internal blame break apart from me. I've felt guilt, immense guilt for what happened.

"I was patient, and I waited." I tell Thomas numbly, as I come back to the now. "And you-you were there, you went to the hospital, didn't you?"

"She told you then?" He croaks.

I nod, "She told me that you came around the same week that I had my appendix removed." I chuckle and look down. "Paola told me she deliberately pushed you away from seeing me because she was afraid you'd hurt me."

Silence sits between us and Thomas clears his throat.

"She said you were gone." He replied, just as emotionless as I was. "She told me that you left. I-I had no choice but to–"

"Oh God." I press my hand to my stomach and lean over. I begin to cry, feeling for once in my life, sorry for myself.

He holds me, and I fall into his touch. I feel him kiss my hair, ever so gently and the way he rocks me is comforting. Everything about Thomas is soothing, and I lace my fingers around his arms as I continue to sob, in his arms, a deep sleep consumes me thereafter.

In the morning, I awake to Thomas laying beside me. I haven't slept with John yet, but I have no desire to.

"On your darkest days, I wanted to protect you. Because on mine, you were there with me." He smiles kindly at me. "In France."

I roll onto my back, and grin as he leans down to kiss my lips. He kisses me softly, and caresses my face.

"I thought it was the whiskey making me like that, but it wasn't." He studies my features, "It was you. It's been you, this whole time. Sitting in my heart, pointing me to the right direction."