Hold On

| 09 |

In my hands sat a vial of opium. I imagined, maybe, sneaking out someday to fetch myself a heavily saturated light brown vial from some stupid drug dealer, but in my hands sat a vial of the most purest form of opium a girl could ever see. This was taken straight from a hospital I'm sure.

"So are you taking some of the sad mans drug?" He asked.

I turned and looked at him, "Huh?"

We were sat in his car, and it was raining and frosty. The worst kind of setting to get high in.

"The opium, we call it the sad mans drug."

I chuckle and glance down at my hands, "I don't think I want to take it with you here." I swallow, getting lost in the vial. "I usually take a sip, that's all I need. And I-I usually take it with company. My friends."

"Alright, and who the fuck are your friends?"

"They're not really my friends." I whisper and chuckle again, feeling my heart plummet. "If I'm being completely honest."

"Do you have any friends? People you can talk to?"

"Talk to about what? My job of being a whore?" I laugh. "God, no. No one likes a sap."

"This morning you were chipper."

"I've got my moments." I swallow and look over to him. "How much did this cost you?" I asked, raising the vial. "Twenty, thirty pounds?"

"It's enough, isn't it?"

I laugh, and I don't quite know why. "Yeah, it's enough."

Rain taps away at the car, and I wonder for a moment if I should drink all of the opium. I am so tired, and for the first time ever, there is no fight in me. I frown now, and my eyebrows pull together. I used to feel things, I used to have this drive. This fight that's no longer. All of this is just so fake, I want to go back to the good. I want to go back to when I was a real girl, living a good fucking life.

"You're really sad, aren't you?"

I turn my head hearing him ask this. John looks down at the steering wheel, he nervously touches it, squeezing his fingers along the soft leather. "I-I'm not good with feelings, Lizzie understood that."

"Lizzie." I smile, "Your Lizzie."

"I was in love with her, you see."

"Why'd you kill her?" I asked, holding onto the words.

Suddenly, the rain that hit the car grew softer and softer. I felt my heart hang, midair, I felt my stomach in knots.

This is the perfect place for him to kill me, with barely any space between us, in the middle of the nights as the rain continues to pour from the dark sky. And I've of course asked the trigger question. I notice him leaning in and panic, thinking he'll choke me, I slap his cheek and let out a scream, my back collides with the window and I groan as I hit the back of my head.

"Fucking hell!" He shouts and grabs his cheek. He pulls back, and his back hits the inside of his door, "What the fuck!"

"I thought you were going to kill me!" I reveal in sheer panic, I hold my beating heart and break into giggles. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Were you going to kiss me?"

He nodded, "Fuck! Yes!"

This time, I laughed even harder and couldn't control myself. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This isn't really a romantic time to kiss me, John." I scratch my head with my throbbing palm and exhale. "I was just asking you about your dead lover."

His shoulders drop. "Sorry, I told you-"

"You're not good with feelings." I finish and smile.

He smiles for a second and opens his mouth to say something before I sit up and straddle him. I hit my head on the top of the car and groan before kissing him. I break into giggles, as he also laughs. But still, his hands fall on my thighs and he's gentle as I kiss him some more. I get lost in him, opening mouth and tasting him. I let out a moan, as his hot hands move up my thighs and to my waist. Tilting my head, I gain access to his mouth, our teeth clash.

"Alma?" He says, and moves his hands to my hair.

He strokes my hair back and I gently pull back.

"Yeah?" I ask, drunk off of that kiss.

"I can be your friend." He tells me, "I mean, a real friend, not just your husband."

"Oh John." I can feel my eyes burn. I throw my arms around his neck and bring myself in for a hug, I hold him tightly and sniffle into his neck. He smells of a delicious cologne and cigarettes, I push my nose into his scent.

He grabs my arms and tries to pull me away but I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head.

"No!" I beg him, "Please, just, just let me do this."

His hands relax, though reluctant and he allows me to hold him. I don't sob, but a tear or two rolls down my cheek. I hold him so close because I don't remember the last time I hugged Paola. My first, and really only true friend outside of my family.

Sure, mama and papa were my friends, and Paco was like my best friend in the whole world but Paola? My God, she was the person for me. My person. She was the one I could talk to about just anything! We grew up together, we had conversations for hours but they only felt like mere minutes. She was the girl I could sob to, or come to for laughs.

She was the best secret storer, and the best storyteller. She was smart, and gorgeous. Holy and generous but she didn't stand for bullshit. She showed my brother love. And she wanted the best for me. When we were studying in nursing school, she was my partner in everything.

She was brutally honest. And so damn good.

I hug John, but imagine I'm hugging Paola. I miss her tremendously. When I became addicted to the opium, she tried to keep me distracted. Suggested I go back to Puerto Rico, spend the hot summer with my overbearingly Christian family. But I refused, I wanted to be with my Henry. And she told me, damn it, she told me to run the other way.

I should have listened to her, then we'd probably be friends today. I pull from John and sniffle, John smiles at me and reaches for me. His thumb is soft against my cheek, as he tenderly wipes away my tears.

"You okay?" He whispers so softly, I imagine didn't even hear him right.

I lick my lips and move back to sitting beside him. I rest my head against the window and let out a shaky breath, I move my hand so that it sits comfortably over his thigh. He moves his hand to hold mind, and I give his hand a squeeze, bringing his hand to my lips, I kiss his knuckle.

"Thank you." I whisper.