Hold On

| 14 |

"Even though I'm exhausted." He licks his lips and rubs his nose. Thomas is breathless. "I want to go again."

He's ravenous and I can't help but push him away. Even though he's got the libido of a eighteen year-old, I am ready to combust and ooze into a puddle.

"I'm exhausted." I roll over onto my back and look at him. On queue, the kettle screams and I get up from the couch we've decide to make love in. I think we've fucked in just about every place of this house.

"Perfect timing." He hummed.

When I come back, Thomas's got on his trunks again. I hand him his cup of tea and sit down beside him, "What have you been up to?"

"I've been busy with you." He stops twiddling his thumbs.

His words make me shy, "No I mean, when you came back from France. Other than running an entire gang,"

He takes a sip of tea, but decided against it, he grabs his cigarettes and lights one up, he sucks on it. "I mean, I've been busy with you. For years, I've been thinking about you."

I smile, feeling my cheeks heat.

"Don't smile, it was torturous. When I left for France, I felt like I left my heart with you."

I put down my cup and crawl over to him, I lay my head on his legs and look up at him. "I kept it safe."

He combed his hand through my hair. "I wish you knew how much you mean to me."

"Why'd you do it?" I asked, I was always so curious. "When John saw me, why did you let him marry me?"

He continues to comb through my hair, his other hand rests on my bare chest. "I'm not the same lad I was before. Look at me, look at who I've become. You try and remember the man I was when we met, I'm not him anymore."

"It still would have meant the world to me, considering for so long I thought you were dead–"

"I did die."

I feel a pang in my heart that causes my throat to tighten. His words are so heartbreaking. I can't even imagine what brought him to say that, but I can tell that he's damaged from what he's witnessed in the war.

"You changed." I sit up and get on my knees. Sitting right beside him, I run my hand through his hair. "You changed, you didn't die, thank God. I still love you, the same way I loved that man I met so long ago."

He stayed silent.

"I changed too. I went from being a nurse to a fucking whore." The words make me laugh out of pure embarrassment. I wipe away my tears as he looks at me. "We're damaged goods, you and I."

"Damaged goods, ey?" He chuckled and grabbed my hand. He kissed my fingers, "You crave opium, just like me."

I was surprised that he said my secret, I didn't take John for the type to gossip before he answered my thoughts, "My dealer told me that you and John went by his the other night. John doesn't do drugs."

I laughed, and put my hands around Thomas.

"See? I'm really fucked up." I tease.

He allowed me to kiss him, "When John recovers, do you want to tell him about us? If I'm being honest, Alma, I want to marry you."

"If John was a normal functioning human being, yes, but he isn't." I put my hand on Tommy's chest. "John scares me."

"He hasn't touched you, has he?"

I shake my head. "No."

Thomas runs a hand through my hair. "You'd tell me if he did?"

I nodded and licked my lips.

"I want you to call me if he does."

"Thomas?"

"Yeah?"

I imagine Thomas telling John I'm off limits that day. I wish he told John I was off limits. I wish he told John to pick someone else, that I'm his. That he loves me.

"Nothing." I breathe.

"It's not nothing." He frowns. "Tell me, please."

"I just wish I didn't have John to call my husband. I wish you didn't have Grace." I swallow. "I wish we had each other."

"We do have each other." He grabs my face and kisses me hard. "We have each other."

Throughout the day, we go about telling each other about our families. I learned about Thomas's mother, who he called beautiful. He learned about Paco, and Ana. I told him about Henry, he told me about France. He tells me about Grace, and although I'm confident in our relationship, the idea of her still weakens me.

"When I saw you at the whorehouse, I didn't think it was you." He told me, we laid in bed, naked and covered in sweet nothings. "I never thought I'd see you again, in a whorehouse above all."

"I wish you didn't have to see me like that. Barely clothed, covered in dirt."

"You were the most beautiful person in the room." He commented. "Absolutely breathtaking."

"I had dreams, you know?" I smiled, and weakly shrugged. "I wanted to become a doctor."

Our toes touched, and I curled closer to him.

"It's not too late, is it?"

"No it's just–"

"We could easily pay for your schooling, get you back on your feet. Make those dreams a reality."

I bit my bottom lip and smiled. Rolling onto his chest, I imagined going back to school. Actually studying to become a physician.

"You were apart of those dreams." I whisper and kiss his chest. I rest my head there, and hear the light thud of his heart.

"Don't see her again," I whisper. "Grace."

"Okay." He replies softly, his hand runs down my back.

We fell asleep there, in each other's arms. And in the morning, I awake to a note that sits on top of the bed, right beside me:

Go see John, I'll miss you.

— Yours.

I flip the card to its back and see his number dotted down.