Hold On

| 18 |

It's been a week since John attacked me. A week since he pried my legs open and forced himself upon me. A week since my cries and fighting did absolutely nothing.

I've slept my days and nights in bed. And John's tried to speak to me, but he's failed each time.

"Alma, I-"

"Hey Alma, we should-"

"Alma-"

He tried to speak. Tried to tell me he was sorry, but he failed each time. Someday, his cries from the bathroom could be heard, and that made me feel sorry for him. It sickened me, that I still felt sorry for John despite him dehumanizing me.

Anyways, it's been a week.

I laid in bed and looked towards the window to find a bird sitting on the ledge. I smiled, and sat up before walking towards it. The curtains blew into the bedroom, and the birdie chirped.

"Hello." I whisper.

The bird zips away because of the sound of the door front shutting. I get off of my knees and rise, my eyes move to meet John's. He enters the room and stills, I'm quick to wrap my robe closer around my body.

"Alma," John clears his throat. "You're out of bed."

I meet his cold eyes and quickly look away, John sickens me. "You sicken me." I tell him.

"You're also talking to me." He notes.

"It's been a week since you..." I swallow, and don't say the words, I swallow, and let out a sigh. "I'm not going to ignore you for the rest of our life." Shit, I wish I didn't say our.

"Alma–" He takes a step towards me.

I gasp, "If you touch me though, I'll fucking kill you."

He sits on the bed and sighs. "About that, I feel so guilty."

My eyebrows pull together and I press my lips together in confusion. "Did you feel guilty before or after you forced yourself inside of me."

"You, you pissed me off. Loving Thomas, what were you thinking?"

"I fell in love with him long before I met you."

"Still!" He shouts. "You should have told me."

"You forced me to marry you." I snap. "I'm sorry but you weren't remotely friendly to me."

"You hurt me." He struggles to spit out those words. "I mean, you really fuckin' hurt me, Alma."

"So you had to hurt me back?! You had to punish me in the most inhumane, undignified way!" A tear rolls down my cheek at the memory, but I don't allow John to see. I wipe away my tears quickly, and sniffle. "God, I told myself you were good. I believed you."

"I changed, for you." He looks up at me. "And now I don't know who I am without you."

"You didn't change!" I tell him and laugh. "John, you raped me." I weakly add.

He lets out a shout, and brings his face towards his knees. His hands burry in his hair, I only notice as I he folds over himself that he begins to tremble. My eyes widen, as he somehow reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a gun.