For Ever

ten

dear ever,

do you remember the summer before sophomore year? do you remember the bridge? how about that  day? that awful day where you found me. ever, i was attempting to jump but by some miracle, you were there.

It's been a week since I got back. It feels strange to be here. The atmosphere is just off, way off. My naturally overhyped mother is gloomy. She says that she's fine but I could sense that she wasn't. My dad on the other hand comes back late from work and leaves early the next day. My home, doesn't feel like home anymore. It only took a year to change it. A year away from home.

I grabbed the remote from the table as I heard hushed voices. I slowly tiptoed my way to the kitchen, trying to get as close as possible to clearly hear them. I needed to know what was going on.

"John, we should tell her," my mother said gripping the knife too tightly. As if she's stopping herself from stabbing my dad.

"I'm not ready," my dad said after he sipped his morning coffee. My mom let out a sigh and shook her head.

"We can't keep pretending like this. Our daughter is old enough to understand, she's smart as well. She can handle it, tell her. Or else I will," my mom threatened. There was a short silence between them, the only noice that was breaking the tension was the soup boiling.

"I'm gonna ruin our relationship. You know that she's a daddy's girl," my dad explained. My mom let go of the knife and covered her eyes. She bit her lip trying not to make a sound. My heart was erratic, Ever. What my dad said was right, I am a daddy's girl. My dad's my best friend. We had a good relationship where I can freely express my thoughts to him. He was always there to listen when I was happy, sad, frustrated, and heck even when I was mad at him—I could still approach him. I took a deep breath as I wait for my mom's reply.

"You ruined it the day you had an affair, the day you had a child with another woman. John that was sixteen years ago, you have another child that's just three years younger than Tanisha. It's not gonna be better if you prolong it," she said and I could feel my world stop. Was it possible to freeze time? If it is, can someone do it please? I didn't know what to do. I got out from my hiding spot, making my self visible in their sight. My mom looked at me with her mouth ajar while my dad looked behind to see what made my mom react like that.

Tears were already streaming down my face, it felt like a waterfall.

I never cry, Ever. Or if I do, I don't cry where everybody can see me. I just bite my tongue and walk away. I'd look for a space where I can be alone and cry. That's what I do but Ever during that time, I froze.

"You cheated," I exhaled. I wiped my tears and looked at him straight in the eye, "I have a sister. A sixteen year old sister."

"I'm sorry."

"Were we not enough for you that you had to find happiness somewhere else? How could you do that? Did you not love us?"

"I love you and your mother, Tanis-," my dad said but I cut him off.

"You don't do that to someone you love. You don't cheat," I rudely said. Anger was devouring me whole.  I can't believe that the man I admired for the longest time turned out to be like trash, just like the rest.

I ran upstairs and took my wallet and keys, I bolted off  and drove to my safe haven. Leaving them both at the kitchen, not listening to another word that came from my father's mouth.

I parked near the bridge and I sat at the edge. I found this place a year after we moved to this city. It wasn't anything magical or amazing. The bridge was old, the river back then was stagnant but the occasional rainfall made the water rapid sometimes; it was located far from the city. But regardless, it's special to me. No one comes here that much, if you don't count the people that lives near here. So, I don't understand how you found me.

Ever, I can say that I'm not depressed or even suicidal. When life was tough before, I could handle it. I was strong. But at that moment, it broke me. People might say this problem is skin deep and that someone out there has it worse but it hurts so bad. I felt a lot of things back then. So many unanswered questions was flooding my mind. Am I crazy to say that I heard voices? Seeds of doubts and mistrust was being sown in me. I couldn't handle it, I  just wanted everything to end.

Without thinking I stood up and climbed up. I looked down to my feet and saw that one step was all it took to end it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Tanisha! No!" I heard your voice as you ran to me,
pulling me away from the edge. We landed in an unsafe manner but you hugged me tight, protecting me so that I wouldn't get hurt.

"Don't leave me again, I'm here," you pleaded. I hugged you tighter as I cried. My tears, soaking your shirt.

Ever, thank you.